Which last name?

[catnapper]

This is a discussion we're embarking on right now: does the baby get her last name or the father's?

The father says it will be his. Hubby thinks the baby should have her last name. She doesn't want to bring it up because she knows whichever name she chooses will bring on a HUGE fight -- either make the father or her father mad.

So, I figured, no matter what name she chooses, she should be informed and make a decision based on facts and not on which choice will make the least ripples.

Please offer pros and cons on which last name the baby should have.

I honestly don't know which way she'll go (I don't think she knows either) but I think she should go with whatever will be "right" after weighing the pros and cons of each side.

For instance, I heard that if the baby gets his last name, that when they break up and start a battle over custody, that the father will have more leverage if the baby has his name... of course that might be a complete bunch of baloney.

His last name is admittedly a strange sounding last name, and doesn't really have a nice "ring" to it. Our last name always is mispelled and misprounced (so its not a perfect name either) There's no way she'll hyphenate as the names sound dreadful together.

PS: We have given our opinon on which name to choose and left it there. We aren't nagging about giving the baby her last name, merely given our opinion, and are leaving it up to what she eventually decides.

*edit* I'll add more info that might make a difference or not:
Ash is 18, living at home with us, and has no plans to marry the father in any forseeable future. She knows the odds of them lasting as a couple is slim, though I'm sure she'd like to hope they do survive the next few years.

[JenBKR]

oh that's a toughie. My own personal opinion, I'd say go with her's. He doesn't sound like he's being a very stand up guy about all of this (unless I missed something in a thread somewhere, which I very well may have!). How much involvement does he intend to have?

[kuhio98]

I voted the Dad's. I know nothing about he legal ramifications, but I think the father's name is the right thing. That's the traditional thing (in this country, anyway). It doesn't matter the circumstances of our conception or if our parents stayed together. It's a link to the other half of our DNA. At some point, this child will want to know his father and his father's family. It doesn't matter if the father is a good guy or not. If he ever steps up to the plate. If he ever pays child support. This is his child. Grandad should butt out and let this woman start making decisions. She doesn't need to feel like she is betraying someone when she makes a choice. To me this doesn't even need to be an issue. Father - Dad - sperm donor -- whatever you want to call him is responsible for half the DNA of your grandchild.

[catnapper]

Jen, depends on who you ask. I have not seen him do one thing or give one thing for the baby. Its one thing I told her that bothers me - that he hasn't given her even one rattle or bib. Maybe we're not giving him enough credit since he's not very expressive when he's here; I'll have to go by what Ashley says about him......

Ashley on the other hand says he gets insulted and feels left out of all the baby stuff. She says he wants to be a part of it and got very hurt on Sunday at the shower when everyone was oohhhing and aahhhing over her and the baby, and basically ignored him.

I am happy that he wants to be there and wants to be a part of the baby's life. Apparently his own father is not there, and he wants to be different and be there for the baby. VERY admirable. I just wish the rest of the family saw and heard those sentiments from him.

Kuhio, thanks for your opinon! I really do need to see both sides of the story. Whether or not dad and mom are together, dad will ALWAYS be in the picture and we'll always make sure he gets the baby. Just because he has or doesn't have hte father's last name would never change that.

[Samantha Puppy]

That's a toughie. If the father is going to be very involved in this child's life, I'd say go with his. If he isn't going to be involved (much or especially at all), go with mom's.

[lvpets2002]

WOW thats a toughy = Its been traditionaly to be the fathers = however sign of the times states it could be the mother's.. I would state Ash needs to calculate her relationship with the father on if long term or short term to make the choose.. This is just only my opinion ok.. Good Luck & let us know..

[Logan]

I voted for the father's last name, but ONLY if he is going to be a part of this baby's life. My daughter carries her father's last name, and that is ok with me, as long as he participates, contributes to, and is a part of her life, which he has and will.

Just my two cents.

Logan

[JenBKR]

Jen, depends on who you ask. I have not seen him do one thing or give one thing for the baby. Its one thing I told her that bothers me - that he hasn't given her even one rattle or bib. Maybe we're not giving him enough credit since he's not very expressive when he's here; I'll have to go by what Ashley says about him......

Ashley on the other hand says he gets insulted and feels left out of all the baby stuff. She says he wants to be a part of it and got very hurt on Sunday at the shower when everyone was oohhhing and aahhhing over her and the baby, and basically ignored him.

That's good that he says wants to be there (sometimes hard to tell unless you actually hear it from him firsthand, I know what you mean). That is such a hard decision. Maybe this is a dumb question, but is it possible to change the last name at some point? Like if she decided to use his last name, then in a few years he split and she never heard from him again and she decided that she wanted her child to have her last name. I'm not saying that I think it would happen, just curious if you can even legally do that.

[BOBS DAD]

For instance, I heard that if the baby gets his last name, that when they break up and start a battle over custody, that the father will have more leverage if the baby has his name... of course that might be a complete bunch of baloney.

Oh... that's has got to be the "biggest pile of Jumbo (that's what we call baloney in Pgh)" I've ever heard. Women have always and "will" always have for the foreseeable future the most leverage in a custody battle in a court of law - reagrdless of the bay's name.

On a sidenote, when you are about to give birth to your baby, let us hope you are not thinking ahead to the day you get divorced and fight over custody. I know you aren't - just an observation.

I say if in doubt, give them both. My mother-in-law named her son (only son and potential family namebearer) her father's last name and also her married name. Her father was a prominent citizen and local historian and she wanted to carry on his name in her line. So hence, Gary Robert Craighead "Last name". Craighead is still written in his name and he actually goes by the first name Craig. Actually very few people even know his Gary Robert versions - I think is was a surprise to his wife when they got married. I am a traditionalist. I like the woman changing her name and subsequently the children inheriting it.

[Kfamr]

Since they are not a married couple I see NOTHING wrong with giving the baby Ashley's name. Like someone else said, tell her to look at what future she plans on having with this boy. If she does want to continue seeing him, and marrying him, then maybe give the baby his name.

Also, if she does give the baby her name, wouldn't she be able to change it if they do get married? If they do plan to marry, changing the baby's name to his at the same time she does, seems it may be something to sort of make them even more official. Hopefully you understand what I'm saying.. I'm a bit out of it today!

[BOBS DAD]

Whoops,

I guess I did not know the exact circumstances. In which case, disregard my previous contributions and go with whatever seems right under the current circumstances!!!

But yes on the change name thing. Sure you can carry both, one or the other or neither, and legally change at a later date.

[BOBS DAD]

Since they are not a married couple I see NOTHING wrong with giving the baby Ashley's name. Like someone else said, tell her to look at what future she plans on having with this boy. If she does want to continue seeing him, and marrying him, then maybe give the baby his name.

Also, if she does give the baby her name, wouldn't she be able to change it if they do get married? If they do plan to marry, changing the baby's name to his at the same time she does, seems it may be something to sort of make them even more official. Hopefully you understand what I'm saying.. I'm a bit out of it today!

YEAH... what she said!!!

[kimboe]

I voted the dads. That's just the way it is in our family.
But, If the baby is a boy and there is no other child in the mothers family to carry on the maiden name. Then the baby (boy) should pass on the family name.
I think that which ever side already has someone to pass the family name on then it should be the other side to carry on their last name.
Or if both do, Then father's name should be chosen

[Laura's Babies]

Without reading everyone elses responses I voted for the mothers last name because it will just make things easier in the future. Once the baby is here and the newness of it wears off, and the responsiabilities start building up, he is going to be history. He is only there right now because that is what is expected of him but I think it will get old fast.

Should I be wrong and they decide later to get married, all they have to do is a simple name change on the babies birth certificate later.

It will also create a lot of confusion with her having one name and the baby having another and they not being married... Everyone I know in this situation has given the baby the mothers last name.

[Queen of Poop]

My 2cents worth: Give the baby her name as they are not married. If they don't ever get married it will be easier for school, etc. if the child has the same last name as the mother. BUT, if they do get married change the babies last name to that of the husband/father, just like Ashley would likely change her name and use his.