Kids, DVDs and the lessons involved

[RedHedd]

I heard about this on the radio this morning and can't agree more with Ms. Minow (San Francisco's local "Movie Mom") - her article in today's Chicago Tribune:

Kids, DVDs and the lessons involved

By Nell Minow
Special to the Tribune
Published April 13, 2006


My husband, daughter and I had just settled in for lunch at one of our favorite local restaurants when another family was escorted to the next table. The mother helped the little girl, who looked to be about 4 years old, off with her coat and lifted her into the booster seat.

Then, before removing her own coat, the mother placed a personal DVD player on the table in front of her daughter and hit the "play" button. Disney's "Cinderella" started up, and the little girl began to watch. Without headphones.

Even after we moved to a table on the other side of the restaurant, we could hear the strains of "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo" as we ate our tandoori chicken and talked about how many things were wrong with that picture.

Here's what we concluded:

First, the little girl's parents were teaching her to completely disregard the feelings, the rights and the preferences of anyone else.

The DVD made it harder for us to hear one another and the waiter and impossible to enjoy the quiet music that is normally a part of the restaurant's pleasant atmosphere.

Instead of teaching their daughter good manners and consideration for others, these parents demonstrated through their own thoughtlessness that they did not believe it was necessary to devote time or energy to thinking about how their actions might affect others.

Second, her parents showed the child she had nothing of interest to tell them and they had nothing they felt was worth discussing with her.

Family meals and car rides are the best time to share the stories of our days, to coordinate upcoming plans, to discuss the news in our communities and to make clear our values and priorities. This family communicated to its youngest member that she was neither valued nor a priority.

Third, the parents failed to take advantage of the opportunity to teach their daughter an indispensable life skill -- the ability to participate in a thoughtful and courteous conversation. If her parents keep it up, this girl will become a young woman who has nothing to say to anyone and no way to respond to comments and question at school, with friends, on dates, at job interviews.

Children need to learn the structure of a conversation, namely how to listen, when to nod, how to look the person who is speaking in the eye and how to know whether the other person understands and is interested in what you are saying. The art of conversation also involves knowing how to include everyone in the discussion, how to select the appropriate details to evoke a scene or convey an opinion, and how to disagree without being disagreeable.

Like music, these skills come naturally to some people and are harder for others, but everyone can benefit from practice and example.

Fourth, the girl's parents lost the opportunity to show their daughter how to pay attention to what is going on around her. The more we allow children to numb their brains and cut themselves off from their environment, the less we are able to encourage their powers of observation and inspire their imaginations.

By using "Cinderella" as a distraction instead of a fully engaging experience, the parents turned it into what Fred Allen called television, "chewing gum for the mind." The children who will grow up to create the next generation's "Cinderella" are the ones who are looking at the world around them and exercising their imaginations.

Parents should stretch their children's attention spans, a challenge in this media-saturated world. One way to do that is to set an example by turning off television, iPods, BlackBerrys, cell phones and PDAs when the family is together.

When our children were growing up, we had a "no headphones" rule on car trips. I preferred having my children argue about which radio station to listen to (that disagreeing without being disagreeable skill takes a while to get right) than having each of them off in separate zones of solitude.

Children need to learn to be engaged observers. Parents should both set an example and explicitly teach their families to be junior Sherlock Holmeses, seeing what they can deduce from what they see, and junior Scheherazades, telling stories to develop their senses of narrative, drama and humor. Is that couple at the next table on a first date or do they know each other well? What language are those people speaking? What can you tell about a person's profession, hobbies, education, political views and favorite sports team? How do you know?

As we looked across the room at this family -- the girl watching the movie, the father talking on his cell phone, the mother looking down at her plate -- we wished there was a "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo" spell to turn their devices into pumpkins and get them to talk to each other.

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Nell Minow reviews movies for radio stations across the U.S. every week and on http://movies.yahoo.com/moviemom.

[Cataholic]

Amen! Amen! Amen! I have long denounced the televion, movie watchin', video game playin' ways of the child these days.

Meal time IS family time. So much more goes on there besides eating.

[Jessika]

I have aLWAYS thought the TV was a bad babysitter. The TV never called the fire department when the house burned down.. go figure

Seriously now though, I agree with that 100%. It seriously makes me ILL to see this type of behavior in what I like to call "lazy parents". Parents who don't want to actually have to PARENT their children, oh no, the same parents who think their children can never do any wrong, and see their children as a burden instead of a blessing. I saw this behavior all too often when I worked in daycare. To those kids, *I* was their parent, and they looked forward to coming to "school" and HATED when their parents came to pick them up and did not want to leave it. It literally tore me apart to see how parents did not give their children the attention, care, nor discipline that they rightfully deserved.

[CagneyDog]

The thing is, this exact article would of been written if there was no TV for the child. However, the article would now be about parents not being able to control their children. I don't know if this was why the TV was being used however, I know that many people occupy their children with this so they can please OTHER people in the restraunt. I think listening to a child scream would be slightly worse than a cinderella DVD. Of course there should of been headphones used, but people are jumping to conclusions. Maybe they were simply forgot at home and this was the only thing that would keep the child quiet.

So I guess the question really comes up to, screaming and loud behaviour, or Cinderella?

There will be MANY oppurtunties to for this child, and children like this one to develop social skills. Using a DVD as a child instead of engaging in discussion will NOT make the child become some person who lives under a rock with 0 social skills. This child goes to school, it has friends. SHE WILL BE SOCIALIZED. People get up tight when it comes to parenting skills but they shouldn't be the one to critisize. Who knows what would of happened without the DVD.

[Jessika]

But whos to say the child would have been screaming in public? Not all children behave like that in public. All the children I have been around (sans daycare kids, of course) of family and friends behave beautifully in public. Of course, sometimes they get crabby and its near naptime or bedtime, but in that case why would you just go out to dinner you know??

And if a child DOES sit there and scream in public, its either because they are crabby and its close to naptime (as I've already stated) or the parents don't have control over the child, simply put. I mean, honestly. And if my child sat there and screamed in public and nothing I could do would quiet them, I would leave! That would annoy ME, I couldn't imagine how it would make others feel, lol.

[Lady's Human]

If you can't keep the child under control in a restaurant then STAY HOME!

We left a meal sitting on a table in a restaurant here because Marylin and Axel were being impossible. A Dvd player is absolutely unnecessary and irritating to everyone else in a restaurant setting. If that's what you need to keep a child quiet, at least use a headset.

[finn's mom]

If the only way to keep the child quiet and behaved is to put her in front of a personal dvd player, then there are some serious problems with that. That child has total control over them. Part of learning how to behave is misbehaving. If she were to freak out in the restaurant, then you get up and leave. I saw a woman do this the other day with her child. At the store, the child was acting badly, the mother told him if he didn't behave, that they were going to leave. so he acted up, they left. about twenty minutes later, i saw them walking around the store again, he was acting like he should, and, you could tell that they'd talked about it. i dont' know, i think the dvd player, the tv, that type of thing is just a cop out for not knowing how to deal with the child. and, no i don't have any children, so maybe I **don't** know what it's like. It's still my opinion, and, I hope I keep it even after I have children.

[CagneyDog]

But whos to say the child would have been screaming in public? .

As stated, I don't know if this was the situation however I know it IS the situation in many cases that people get uptight about.

[Cataholic]

If the only way to keep the child quiet and behaved is to put her in front of a personal dvd player, then there are some serious problems with that. That child has total control over them. Part of learning how to behave is misbehaving. If she were to freak out in the restaurant, then you get up and leave. I saw a woman do this the other day with her child. At the store, the child was acting badly, the mother told him if he didn't behave, that they were going to leave. so he acted up, they left. about twenty minutes later, i saw them walking around the store again, he was acting like he should, and, you could tell that they'd talked about it. i dont' know, i think the dvd player, the tv, that type of thing is just a cop out for not knowing how to deal with the child. and, no i don't have any children, so maybe I **don't** know what it's like. It's still my opinion, and, I hope I keep it even after I have children.

That is so true..the part about learning and misbehaving. Of course, most parents want their child to be perfect. Well, it just doesn't seem to happen with MY child, despite ME being so close to perfection. Go figure. I adapt...we go out to eat at quickie places, as well timed as possible. But, it doesn't always work, and we eat quickly and exit.

Just today, I was in the grocery, and Jones wanted down and out, as in down and out of the cart. Not happening. He SCREAMED. For probably two minutes. LONG minutes, as I walked by. I saw several people just smile, as they knew what I was going through. I was tempted to leave him in an aisle!!!

You can't live in a cave with your child, and somehow expect him/her to adapt to a world he hasn't yet lived in. You have to have an occasional awkward meal, and at four or five, it really shouldn't be that too often.

[RICHARD]

If that's what you need to keep a child quiet, at least use a headset.

My mom used a HEADLOCK!

And a few rabbit punches.......Sorry mayor!!