What do you think about age differences in relationships?

**Logan** · 01-25-2005, 12:21 PM

Cass, sorry, but you need to get over yourself. You give us the parts of your life (new pets, new baby pets, new guys, etc) that you want us to see, but you just want us to trust you on the other parts. Maybe you've exposed us to too much over the last couple of years. But, YES, I would love to hear more about Dylan, including how much you are with him, what he is doing, how he is doing, etc. I know that isn't pet related, but neither is the "age differences in relationships". You chose to share much of your personal life with us, and we've been here through thick and thin. Keep us up to date on how much time you are spending with your son and how he is doing! We want to know about the pets too! What kind of job do you have? Is it pet related? I might have missed something, but I am interested, but I'm also holding you accountable!

I married at 22. I had a baby at 28. I divorced at 30. My primary focus was and still is my daughter, who will turn 14 years old on Saturday. It took 10 years for me to open myself up to find the right person to spend the rest of my life with. I wasn't looking.......I found a life for Helen and me, minus a "man". It was the best place I could ever get to, to tell you the truth. What a blessing to figure out that I was ok, regardless of whether I had a husband or a boyfriend.

But, to answer your question, he is 5 years younger than me. Would I have been attracted to him at 25? Probably not! There is no rule where relationships are concerned as is proven by the posts on this thread.

**lizbud** · 01-25-2005, 12:45 PM

Originally posted by Logan
Cass, sorry, but you need to get over yourself. You give us the parts of your life (new pets, new baby pets, new guys, etc) that you want us to see, but you just want us to trust you on the other parts. Maybe you've exposed us to too much over the last couple of years. But, YES, I would love to hear more about Dylan, including how much you are with him, what he is doing, how he is doing, etc. I know that isn't pet related, but neither is the "age differences in relationships". You chose to share much of your personal life with us, and we've been here through thick and thin. Keep us up to date on how much time you are spending with your son and how he is doing! We want to know about the pets too! What kind of job do you have? Is it pet related? I might have missed something, but I am interested, but I'm also holding you accountable!

Amen to that ! Logan, I am sooo proud of you for speaking
your mind.

I agree completely.

**LKPike** · 01-25-2005, 01:05 PM

I've gone through her most recent posts and I don't see anything rude or unneccesary said by her. Though I do see it by a couple of you in this thread

Maybe I'm missing something so whatever rude thing shes said in a thread or response, I'd really like to see it. Until then shes innocent in my book and only turned to you people for some friendly advice.

Jeez, I thought this was a "friendly" board. Definatly NOT. Theres no reason to be so rude, even in the "dog house".

My 2 cents for you is to COOL OFF.

Come back, with manners, please.

(Luckies I hope the other online community your involved with is nicer towards your questions and comments)

**cali** · 01-25-2005, 01:11 PM

I think it depends, my mom and dad are 10 years apart, at a younger age it sounds horrable, like when my mom was 6 my dad was 16. or when my mom was 10 my dad was 20 now though my mom is 39 and my dad is 49 so it does not sound so horrable anymore lol

**Logan** · 01-25-2005, 01:36 PM

Originally posted by LKPike
I've gone through her most recent posts and I don't see anything rude or unneccesary said by her. Though I do see it by a couple of you in this thread Maybe I'm missing something so whatever rude thing shes said in a thread or response, I'd really like to see it. Until then shes innocent in my book and only turned to you people for some friendly advice.

Jeez, I thought this was a "friendly" board. Definatly NOT. Theres no reason to be so rude, even in the "dog house".

My 2 cents for you is to COOL OFF.

Come back, with manners, please.

(Luckies I hope the other online community your involved with is nicer towards your questions and comments)

Are you directing this at me? And at Liz? Just wondering so I can respond, properly. I think that even Cass would tell you that I have been more than supportive her in the past, and still am. I don't know of anything I said that can be classified as "rude", but if I was, I would like your take on it. i am concerned about Cass's son..........as I assume she is. I just want to hear more about him and her interaction with him as I understand the mother/child relationship and how important it is.

Logan

**carole** · 01-25-2005, 02:16 PM

I think what people are saying here, is that if you share your personal life with us all, you have to expect to take the negative responses with the positive, people are only responding as such out of pure concern for Cass, and in her heart she knows that, but it may seem as a personal attack on her as a mother, and naturally she will be there to defend herself.

I don't see any problem with Cass having a social life, infact I would encourage it, I did not do that, I became almost a recluse and I don't think it did me or my child any good., as a result I was lonely and unhappy, that is bound to bounce off on your child.

I think as along as she is not introducing Dylan to him, what is the problem, she can still be a good mother, and have some fun, my only warning is be careful, feelings can get hurt, and you could get in way over your head., I think because Cass has had the serious stuff and it was hard and did not work out, she is sensible to not get involved seriously with anyone just yet, as she is still in the healing process.

Also just because Cass wants a social life, does not in anyway make her a bad mother, or one neglecting her responsibility's,there is a way to have both, and many people do, I have never doubted for one moment Cass and her devotion to her child, I am suprised that many of you do.

However I must say Cass I doubt any 19 year old male is very mature, but if that is not what you are looking for, and it does not bother you, then go for it.

**CamCamPup33** · 01-25-2005, 02:26 PM

Originally posted by Logan
Cass, sorry, but you need to get over yourself. You give us the parts of your life (new pets, new baby pets, new guys, etc) that you want us to see, but you just want us to trust you on the other parts. Maybe you've exposed us to too much over the last couple of years. But, YES, I would love to hear more about Dylan, including how much you are with him, what he is doing, how he is doing, etc. I know that isn't pet related, but neither is the "age differences in relationships". You chose to share much of your personal life with us, and we've been here through thick and thin. Keep us up to date on how much time you are spending with your son and how he is doing! We want to know about the pets too! What kind of job do you have? Is it pet related? I might have missed something, but I am interested, but I'm also holding you accountable!

I married at 22. I had a baby at 28. I divorced at 30. My primary focus was and still is my daughter, who will turn 14 years old on Saturday. It took 10 years for me to open myself up to find the right person to spend the rest of my life with. I wasn't looking.......I found a life for Helen and me, minus a "man". It was the best place I could ever get to, to tell you the truth. What a blessing to figure out that I was ok, regardless of whether I had a husband or a boyfriend.

But, to answer your question, he is 5 years younger than me. Would I have been attracted to him at 25? Probably not! There is no rule where relationships are concerned as is proven by the posts on this thread.

I agree 100%.

**Edwina's Secretary** · 01-25-2005, 02:28 PM

LKP...I see you have been on here since September. You may have noticed that Logan and Liz have been on here a long, long time, as have I.

NEVER....I repeat....NEVER have I known either of them to be rude.

Just because something is not what you or someone else want to hear does not make it "rude."

**carole** · 01-25-2005, 02:32 PM

I agree Logan and Liz have only said what they did out of pure concern for Cass, whether it was what she wanted to hear or not is another story, but when you post about your personal life you have to expect all kind of answers I think.

**Tonya** · 01-25-2005, 03:16 PM

LKPIKE, Dylan has grown up with us. We all fell in love with him through cute stories and baby pictures. We've been with Cass through her horrible relationship with Dan.

When I divorced my first husband, I remember that liberating feeling. After being in an abusive relationship, no one was going to stop me from being me. I had custody of Jaden, but there were plenty of days where I was so hungover that I layed around all day. I should have been playing with him and giving him more attention. Within a month or two, I quickly came to my senses and realized that I was on the wrong track. I was taking care of ME to much and not Jaden.

I've never said anything, to you Cass because I remember how bad my heart hurt when my parents had the talk with me. It tore my heart up to have my mothering criticized. I felt as if they were saying that I didn't love my son. At the time, I was defensive and didn't agree. Looking back now, I am so greatful that they said something.

I could name several posts and incidences that make me feel that you are making those same mistakes. But I'm going to leave it at that, there is no reason for me to point things out. I know in your heart you know what is going on and that you love Dylan. I just hope that your priorites change.

**popcornbird** · 01-25-2005, 04:31 PM

Johanna, Logan, Tonya...ditto, ditto, ditto.

LKPike, truely, we are all speaking out of concern. You've only been here for 4 months. You wouldn't understand where we're coming from. We've been here for years. Cass has been here for years. She, truely, chose to expose so much of her life to us. Having been here for years, it now feels like we all know each other personally here, to a certain extent...so when we post in this manner, it is out of concern. NOT out of criticism, not out of hatred...only out of concern, and it is because we've gotten to know so much about each other over the past few years that we have this concern for fellow PT'ers.

Cass, while you are right on me not being a mother and not having experience on this issue, I am speaking from the way I see things right now. I may be wrong, I may be right...I may be somewhere in between...BUT...I just cannot seem to visualize a mother of a (3 year old?) having the time to go about getting involved in 'relationships just for fun'...for some reason. To me, a child is a FULL TIME job...a HUGE responsibility. Personally, I don't like 'just for fun' relationships to begin with. Why? Because I feel women deserve respect and are not created for men to use, abuse, and discard. SO MANY women in today's society are treated just like that. They go through this hormonal stage, when guys want them for their desires. The guys might 'love' them at the beginning. They'll have their 'fun' with them. Then? Well they just use them for their own desires and often end up abandoning them and going for another girl. Guys don't have the hearts women have. It won't hurt a guy like it would hurt the girl. The guy might not even care too much in the end. The girl will be torn apart. This is an issue that happens SO much in today's society, and its an issue that has scarred many girls for life. I see it everyday at school. I see girls crying and complaining about losing the one they loved, and saying they feel betrayed. I see how these girls are treated...and truely, it makes me feel something. I feel for them. I feel for those girls who go through so much and through so many relationships and heartbreaks before getting the right person. Sometimes, they never get the right person. Sometimes, they suffer for their entire lives because of these things...because of 'just for fun' relationships. It scares me because I'm a girl too. I would hate, absolutely HATE to fall in love with someone (and I know it happens when you get involved in relationships), and then, just lose him. For me, relationships are either serious, or nothing. For me, it goes no other way. I would hate to get involved with a person like that, knowing it was just temporary and not for life. I would be CRUSHED...in all honesty, to lose the person I got a longing to. I know sometimes things happen. Sometimes relationships are not meant to be. Sometimes divorces happen. I just cannot comprehend why anyone would get involved in 'temporary realtionships' on purpose. Why do something that would hurt you in the end on purpose? Why? Especially when one has the responsibility of a child. When you have a child, every decision you make, whether the child is aware of it or not, WILL affect the child. Sometimes, if mistakes are made, children will grow up and blame their parents about things in their lives. You need to be careful when your kids are young. I KNOW I'm not a mother, but I'm trying to mentally prepare myself, because I do hope to be a mother someday, in the years to come. That, like I said, is how I see things for ME. Of course you probably see it in a totally different way and may not understand my point, but do know that everything I said is out of concern only. I don't believe in giving guys what they want when it is just for fun. It causes too much emotional heartbreak. Too much. Is it healthy to get involved in fun relationships and then break up or end it because they weren't intended to be serious? Is it worth it? Will its effects be worth it when you have a child to care for? I don't know. I haven't experienced it. My mind tells me it would hurt too much though.

That being said, I still cannot understand how a mother can have the time, even if you're ok with that whole issue. I think when you're a mother, your child should come before everything. I know that when I have children someday, I will compromise SO many of my 'fun' activities...my socialization, etc. for them. I truely believe being a mother is a full time job. You HAVE TO compromise much of your life when you have children. Life cannot continue to be the same as it was when you were young after mommyhood. I know being a mom isn't easy. Its hard work. Its supposed to be hard work. The fruit of being a sincere, loving, a devoted mother would be the best fruit a person could ask for. You need to see what the priorities are in your life, and then make decisions. We all do. I know you love Dylan dearly. I only know your life as you have related it to us, so I could be totally off, but this is what I know. Again, you chose to tell us so much about your life, so please don't take it negatively when we get concerned about such things.

**Kfamr** · 01-25-2005, 04:41 PM

I'm glad someone finally said something about the Dylan situation.. i've been wondering.

**luckies4me** · 01-25-2005, 05:02 PM

Look, Dylan is fine OK. Sheesh. As I said Dan and I split custody. When he wants to go out (and believe me, he does a lot) he has either I or a babysitter watch him. Is that bad? Not at all, as long as he isn't doing it every night. We all need our own social time, and believe me, if we didn't Dylan would not be happy. He has a great family support system. I don't see how each of the parents "moving on" is having bad effects on Dylan. He is a bright, loving child. He's in daycare right now while Dan works. He has a routine that he's comfortable with, and I see him as much as I can. As soon as I move (on the first of next month) Dan and I will be taking turns caring for Dylan. I will have him one week, and Dan the next. etc etc etc.

I don't go out everynight. Maybe twice a week at the most, and I am allowed that freedom because we split custody. If I had Dylan full time of course I wouldn't have the time. I'd be lucky enough to get out once a month, but Dan and I are helping eachother, taking the load off and keeping the stress levels down. I've seen what stress overload does to a child, and believe me, sometimes Dan NEEDS a break! I was talking to Moosmom online the other day about a circumstance regarding a toy I had purchased for Dylan at Toys R Us. Dylan can get frustrated easily with toys, as most children do. It was one of those wooden toys that you hammer pegs. He kept getting frustrated and saying (in such a cute voice mind you

) "Mommy, I can't do it. I can't do it". I told him he could do it, he just needed to try harder and focus on what the goal of the toy was. Now Dan on the other hand was getting frustrated and told Dylan he would take the toy away if he kept whining. He didn't offer encouragement. So I worked with him for about 20 minutes and he got the hang of it.

You should have seen the smile on his face!!! "I did it mom, I did it!" was what he said. Then after that he was fine. He just needed a little encouragement. Now, obviously Dan was stressed that day and needed a break. It was good I was there at that time. I am there for my child when he needs me. I love him bunches!

He's my child and I will always do what I see fit to make him as happy as possible. He still has both of his parents, whom love him very much.

**Fox-Gal** · 01-25-2005, 05:28 PM

Just so there's no confusion on what I say, this has nothing to do with luckies4me or anyone else for that matter. Just stating a different way of looking at things.

Single mothers need a life outside of their children, just as a husband and wife need time away from their children. It allows for happier people and that makes for happier parents.

Children are much more in tune then we give them credit for. If their parent have given up "everything" for them, denning themselves in the process, that can't help but change the parent. Children sense this. Children need happy parents to grow up to be happy children. Just as in cases of parents staying together for the sake of the children. Children would rather have 2 separate happy parents, then 2 parents together, un-happy. (studies have shown)

If that means going out and having a "just for fun relationships", then you should do it. It should not matter if your going out with your girlfriends or a man. That's what I don't understand, what difference does the sex make? If your going out with the girls no one thinks a thing about it, but once you say it's a man, somehow it changes.

This should not matter at all. Man, woman or alien, makes no difference as long as you know were your priorities are and are mature enough to handle a "just for fun relationship"

Never deny yourself, if it's something you really need to make you a more complete happier person. In the long run, your child will be happier, because he was raised by a happy mother. No child wants to be raised by a lonely parent.... Loneliness shows, inside and out. There is a happy middle, to where no one suffers, child or mother.

**My Peanuts** · 01-25-2005, 05:39 PM

Honestly, I really don't think any of it is our business. We don't know the whole story with Dylan and none of us ever will. Every situation is unique and unless your life was EXACTLY the same as Cass's, then we can't judge her. I understand the concern for Dylan, and I know most of you ask with love and not malice, but we simply can't judge a person's decisions and reasoning. I don't have kids myself, but when I do I don't want people criticizing my decisions. I'm sure Cass is doing what is best for her son at this time. Under the circumstances, there is nothing wrong with her going out and having fun. If the time comes that Dylan lives with her, I'm pretty sure she won't be going out all night. This isn't directed at anyone's comments specifically.

Cass, as long as Dylan is taken care of and in the best situation for him, then go out and have fun

.

As for your age question, As long as both parties are over 18 I see nothing wrong with it. If an 18 year old wants to date a 60 year old and they are happy, then it's none of my business.