Why make the choice to not have children?

[catnapper]

Hi, me again

I just wanted to pop my head in and say that I love children! I really do... from afar. Take a look at my artwork (well, imagine it) the majority of my work is babies and young children. They ALWAYS turn out to be my best pieces. Always. I have a sensitivity and can capture their innocence and personality easily. I LOVE to draw babies. I'm going to a Baby Fest again today to see if I can get more commsions. I go to a Baby Fest/Expo at least twice a month. I sit there all weekend with a million babies being pushed in strollers. Each baby is so impossibly cute and I coo and make ga-ga noises at them. Not once have I left saying "awww... I want one." I know that my step-kids are all the kids I want and am meant to have. Someday I'll get to play grandma and that's enough for me... so long as it doesn't involve diapers. I'm not good with bodily fluids

My brother's baby is 14 months old and I love him to pieces. But I really really can't see myself taking one home fulltime and doing everything they do with/for him. Not only that, but hubby and I have COMPLETELY different parenting skills. We'd be divorced before the kid reached their 3rd birthday. Since my step kids are his kids, I relent to his parenting style most of the time... especially since he got them to teen years without my help, they don't respond to my style anyhow But things would be VERY different if the child were BOTH of ours. People don't stop to think about how parenting styles can vary and philiosphoies can wreck a great marriage. I've seen it time and time again. Ok, so a marriage can end on its own accord over many other reasons, but I can easily see in my case that a baby together would kill US as a husband and wife.

Captain, I have had to tell MY OWN MOM a similar story about why we're not having a baby because she offered to PAY for hubby's vasectony reversal! I hate having to have lied to her... but it IS mostly true, since I've known forever what the doctors said when I was 16.

[sirrahved]

Personally, I LOVE children and can't wait to drive a full SUV around of them! (Me, drive a minivan???? No way!!!)

My best friend from college, though, can't stand children. He despises them! In fact, he says he'll still be my friend once Jason and I have children, but we won't be as close

He has absolutely no desire to reproduce at all. He says that kids are bratty and not really tolerable until they are 13 or so.

My theories on this particular situation:

Jon has problems forming bonds with people. I'm the only friend (seriously!) that he's ever had. Our relationship, although I enjoy it, is a shallow one. We don't do a lot of soul searching together. He's really not good at expressing his emotions or things like that. He is an intellectual and enjoys expressing himself that way.

In conclusion: Have you ever tried having an intellectual conversation with a two year old?

[guster girl]

Originally posted by sirrahved


He has absolutely no desire to reproduce at all. He says that kids are bratty and not really tolerable until they are 13 or so.

Just from my experience, it's people that generalize ALL kids as being brats, are the ones more likely to change their mind about having them. I've read all the posts, and, the people that are saying they don't want kids aren't really saying it's BECAUSE kids are bratty. They're usually admitting that they actually have met some kids that they enjoy being around. I'm indifferent, if I have one, fine, if I don't, fine. But, it's got nothing to do with the way kids act. I am fine with kids, and, as I get older, I meet more that I like. Mine comes from what I want more out of life. I'd rather have the love and companionship of a soulmate than children. I have a friend that won't even date someone who doesn't want kids. And, I'm a supporter of her, because she KNOWS she's always wanted a family, and, she's trying to find Mr. Right. SHe doesn't want to waste her time with someone that doesn't share the same dream. Me, on the other hand, if I meet my soulmate and he's a person who doesn't want kids, that's cool with me. Actually, my ex was the kind of person that has always said he'd never get married and never have kids. I'm fine with both of those. I'm not a religious person, so, marriage is more of a legal thing with me, and, I've already shared my thoughts on kids. What I want in life is to feel that connection with my soulmate (I felt it with my ex, but it wasn't reciprocated). If kids are part of it, my path will be different, but, and, I've said this before, my life isn't going to be less of a life without them, it'll just be different. Sorry for getting off on the tangent.....it's just an interesting thread.

[Twisterdog]

Well, for those of you that don't know me, let me start by telling you all that I have one child. He is almost thirteen years old. (Sheesh! Am I that old already!? ) I love him more than anything or anyone in the world. He was the most adorable baby, the cutest toddler, the funniest and most precocious child ... unfortunately now he is the most sullen, insolent and smart-mouthed teen ... but I'm hoping he grows out of that soon!

BUT ... I really never wanted kids. He was not planned, by any means. I never played with dolls or played house or school when I was a kid, my mom says. I never liked babies, or wanted to baby-sit. I'm a selfish person, really ... I want MY stuff in MY house, and I want to spend MY time doing MY things. It has been VERY VERY hard for me to be a parent. I think I have done a pretty good job, the best job I can do. But I will be QUITE happy and relieved when he grows up and moves out on his own. And I NEVER wanted any more kids, not for a nano-second. I could have lived my whole life very happily without a child. Of course, I can obviously live my life happily with a child, too.

I really don't see why the world feels it must divide itself into the "child" and "no child" camps. Strange. I can't fathom why people with kids feel EVERYone should have kids. My gosh ... isn't it obvious that most people who don't want or like kids don't make very good parents, and turn out not very good kids? Why would ANY of us want to live in a world populated by those kids, after they grow up? I have friends that are married, single, have kids, have no kids, straight, gay, rich, poor, like animals, don't like animals.

[guster girl]

Originally posted by Twisterdog
My gosh ... isn't it obvious that most people who don't want or like kids don't make very good parents, and turn out not very good kids?

Unfortunately, people always feel the need to label and/or categorize others that don't feel, think, or do the way they feel, think, or do. It's just the "nature of the beast." Again, my signature speaks loud and clear in situations like these.

And, I quoted that, because I know plenty of people who love and want kids that don't make good parents, either. I know you weren't saying the opposite of that, and, you're right in your statement, as well. I just thought I'd state the other side of the coin.

I've said this before, but, this thread is really interesting.

[CathyBogart]

Originally posted by Twisterdog
My gosh ... isn't it obvious that most people who don't want or like kids don't make very good parents, and turn out not very good kids?

Yeah, what kind of kid deserves to grow up in a home where they are resented for just existing? I'd never do that to another living being, it just wouldn't be fair. So...reptiles it is!

[Randi]

Sorry, I must post this - I don't have children myself. OK, this is the short version why: At the age of having children, I needed a husband who also wanted children, as I believe that is the best way of raising them, and I needed a decent place to live! However, I love my friends children - for short periods.

Anyway, I just got this in a mail:

Why God Created Children

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve....we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" asked the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and be quiet.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said..
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
AND FINALLY...

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN AND KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN".

[trayi52]

Lets see, I have three children, though they are not children anymore, I have a son 32, a daughter 29, another daughter who is 18. I have four grandchildren that ranges from ages eight to age 11.

Let me tell you if you are not up to the challenge of a lifetime, then do not have children. Twisterdog, even after you son moves out, you are still in for some worries. It does not stop until the day You die. Just because they are out on their own, that doesn't mean the worries stop. Sometimes it intensifys, I really mean that.

I still worry about my kids, that have left home, and have children of their own. Being a parent is not an easy job. It is downright a job that last and last.

My 28 year old daughter did not want children either, but after a couple years of marriage, she found out she was going to have a baby. She was not overly happy about the prospects of having a child. But when that baby was born, she became the best mother, one that I was so proud of. She doesn't choose to have another though, and I completely agree with her. Her dad doesn't he thinks she should have had another to ''go'' with that one. His explanation, she shouldn't be alone. I don't agree with that explanation at all, and told my daughter, it was her decision. Don't let other people rule your life, if you don't want another child, then don't have another child.

I completely agree if you don't want children, and think you are not parent material, then don't have children. They need so much love and taking care of a child is indeed a challenge that keeps lasting. Having a child means changing your whole lifestyle.

Me, I would not trade one minute of being a parent for anything on this earth. There is a lot of sacrifice involved, and if you are not up to the job, please don't have children, don't even think about having children. There are too many children out there that have parents that are too wrapped up in themselves to give the time needed to mold these children into the human beings they need to be.

I support all of you that don't want children. Don't have them. I have seen too many children in situations where the parent just don't have time for them. Very sad. If you are not ready to change your life, it is better to just stay childless, because the changes are until the day you die.

Randi, that was such a good and funny little saying and oh so true. I copied it and sent it on.

This is a very good thread, No arguements, and no pushing ones beliefs on another. That is great.

Willie

[lisalee]

Well, it's certainly nice to know I'm not alone in not wanting children. I always feel like I'm the only one not wanting kids, even though I could care less what other's think.

I'm 35 and have never wanted to have children. I never found babies cute. I actually find them ugly. Kids, they are bratty and get on my last nerve. I'll admit to being selfish, I'm an only child and that is a trait of alot of us. I like alot of time to myself and I have zero patience. I've never regretted not having kids and I'm positive I never will.

I have a deep love of animals and perfer to make this world a better place for them as I grow older. I find it sad that kids/babies are placed so much higher in society than animals. I find people to be selfish that can't open there hearts to let an animal into there home. I find them to be the most selfish.

Lisa & Sash





http://pages.ivillage.com/lisalee992 (Sash's website)

[G.P.girl]

i'm pozitive i'm never going to have a kid, but maybe i'll adopt one. i've heard way too many people say " i wish i had my body like it has beore i had kids!" but i don't really think i'll want one at all. i don't want the responibity of a child or the expense and worry. i'll just stick to pets; they're easier to train.

EDIT: plus they don't like letting single people adopt, and if i do get married (which i don't plan on it) then if i get divorced i can't just forget about the guy because he'll still want to see his kid.

it may seem like i'm being really negative, but i'm not, i just look at the the things that could happen.

[sirrahbed]

Originally posted by Randi
Anyway, I just got this in a mail:
Why God Created Children

Thanks Randi - that gave me some great laughs for the day!!!
I almost feel I am eavesdropping as it is my own daughter who started this thread but I told her on the phone this morning that I was reading it.....

First, I feel happy that she feels like being a mother is something she wants to do because I know that she will be a very GOOD mother and that it is important to her. I like to think that I helped play some part in that process - maybe not - but I also loved being a mother to her and her brothers very much and even though I had so many goals in my life that I never accomplished (medical school, a career, etc) I have not regretted it because I discovered that mothering was actually something I was fairly good at - much to my surprise because I was terrified at the idea. I was not good with babies as a little girl and more interested in my chemistry set and dissecting bugs.

That said - if my daughter had chosen to remain childless by choice - that would also be OK by me. If people give it thought and really feel they are not meant to be parents, then I think that is a responsible decision to make. It IS a bit hard to understand though and that is why this thread has been very thought provoking. The only couples I know who do not have children are those who have badly wanted them but have been unable to conceive.

I also have to agree with everything Willie said. When I was a young mother - I never could understand why older mothers would say things like "just wait until they are older!" I mean, how could it get harder?? Yeah, well now I am learning. Once a mother and life is NEVER the same again. The worries and heartache is unending but so is the joy and blessing. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like had I been able to pursue my career as I had dreamed - but I will never know. Besides, soon I will be a grandmother!!

Thank you to everyone who has shared their feeling on this topic - very good thread!!

[Aspen and Misty]

I don't want kids for many reasons, the number one is being my occupation.

I want to own a dog shelter, where I will have MANY kinds of dogs, dogs who hate kids, dogs who don't like cats, dog's who bite everything, etc. etc. I don't think I would want to take the risk, or to be bothered by a baby crying, or by a toddler doing something bad, or by a teenagers hormones! (lol) I want to be able to concentrate on my career, my animals, etc. To me, children are kind of a "bother".

IF and this is a BIG IF, I ever deced to have children. I probly would not have my own. I would adopt. There are so many needy kids out there, I don't see why we all need to have the giving birth experiance when you could adopt a baby from Hati who needs a mommie to hug. Or a child who has never known the love of anyone. For me, I don't think I will ever understand. I dunno, I'm more into saving lives then creating them (Human included).


BTW: Why do people who don't want to have kids labled as something? When ever I tell people I don't want kids they stand there stareing at me like OMG! Whats wrong with you?!?!?

Ashley

[QueenScoopalot]

Originally posted by stacwase
One of my sisters has decided she never wants any, though. She's terrified that she'll turn out to be the sort of person our parents were, and she doesn't want to ever put a child through that. I think that's often an issue - people are afraid that their children will have bad childhoods, and don't want to risk it.

I'm glad I never had kids, and it's too late now anyway...hubby's been neutered for years! I wasn't raised by loving parents by any stretch of the imagination, and also would be worried I'd have turned out like my parents. Being brought up in an abusive household (to say the least) doesn't make for good parenting skills later in life. A choice that wasn't hard for me to make. I understand the other side of the coin though, and feel it should be a choice made by someone willing to make that choice. Not me thanks just the same!

[sirrahbed]

Originally posted by QueenScoopalot
...hubby's been neutered for years!

Where else but on PT would you read this! I gotta go tell MY hubby he's neutered!! Or should I say castrated??

[QueenScoopalot]

Castration is too drastic sounding! Just like a dog....neutered.