I hate my MIL!!!!

[finn's mom]

And let me reiterate - my mom sat down with me and said she wanted to do something for the baby, Josh and me. She *asked* what I wanted, so I spoke with Josh and we decided that what best fit us was just a party with all of our friends and family there. I would never just up and dictate what I wanted - I was asked...

It sounds to me like your mother should just go ahead and send out invitations for a co-ed laid back party for you and Josh. Pizza and beer and friends. And, if you have to make a few phone calls to explain what's happened, it would be worth it. I mean, to call your guy friends and tell them that it's not so much a baby shower as it is just a party for all of you guys to get together. Baby gifts appreciated, of course. It sounds like your mother-in-law, like I said earlier, is simply doing this for herself. She doesn't even seem to be inviting the people that you would want to attend. Blech, what a...crouton. Sorry, that's all I could think of to describe what your mother-in-law reminds me of, from what you've said. An inaminate, unfeeling, piece of toasted bread. I haven't been up long, my creativity switch isn't on, yet.

[Samantha Puppy]

Well, I won't know what the total truth is until I hear back from my friend. My mother has mentioned that if it comes back that MIL misrepresented the party to my friend (and therefore, the guys), she would be willing to host the pizza-wings-beer party that Josh and I had wanted. However, if it comes back that our friends really aren't interested in celebrating our baby's impending arrival, it doesn't really matter who hosts what. Know what I mean? If they don't want to come, they don't want to come and I have some reevaluating to do.

Even if it does turn out that MIL misrepresented the party to my friend, Josh and I know that having our own or allowing my mom to host it would cause more problems between more people. Right now, I'm assuming the only person MIL is upset with is me. If my mom were to host a party, MIL would then be angry with her... with Josh... AND with me... and it just wouldn't be pretty.

I don't know. I'm trying to stop speculating until I hear back from my friend. It's just hard not to.

[finn's mom]

Well, I won't know what the total truth is until I hear back from my friend. My mother has mentioned that if it comes back that MIL misrepresented the party to my friend (and therefore, the guys), she would be willing to host the pizza-wings-beer party that Josh and I had wanted. However, if it comes back that our friends really aren't interested in celebrating our baby's impending arrival, it doesn't really matter who hosts what. Know what I mean? If they don't want to come, they don't want to come and I have some reevaluating to do.

Even if it does turn out that MIL misrepresented the party to my friend, Josh and I know that having our own or allowing my mom to host it would cause more problems between more people. Right now, I'm assuming the only person MIL is upset with is me. If my mom were to host a party, MIL would then be angry with her... with Josh... AND with me... and it just wouldn't be pretty.

I don't know. I'm trying to stop speculating until I hear back from my friend. It's just hard not to.

Wow, Jaime. It does sound like you should wait to get the 100% entire story, and, find out what was said to your friend and your guy friends. I know what you mean about reevaluating, too, I've had to do a lot of that in the last year. I hope that doesn't turn out to be the case at all. I wish you the best of luck in finding out what "went down."

As for your mother-in-law, your mom was supposed to be the host to begin with, that would be pretty silly for her to get that upset about your mom hosting it. That was the original plan to begin with. Gosh, I hope you're able to work everything out, though. I'd hate to think of you stressing out about stuff you shouldn't have to. For now, just take some really deep breaths.

[Lobodeb]

I'm just now reading this and can relate. I'm not crazy about my MIL either but we won't go into that.

I still think honesty is the best policy here. How would your MIL react if you were to just sit her down and say something to the tune of, "I appreciate you wanting to have a party for me, but I would prefer if you worked WITH my mom in giving us the kind of party that WE want. I didn't feel comfortable at my bridal shower and don't want to have to travel down that road again, but I appreciate the thought." This way, she can still feel like she's contributing (if she doesn't take over again) and you won't have to deal with her throwing you a separate shower. Also, explain to her that although she may not agree with having men and beer at your party, it's what YOU want. Times change, she can accept it or not take part at all. Those are her choices. The ball is now in her court. You'll still be allowing her to contribute, but not dominate and hopefully, in the end, you'll get the party you wanted.

Good luck.

[BitsyNaceyDog]

Oh Jamie, I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this stress. I know how you feel about being the center of attention. I have panic attacks when I get in situations like that. I didn't have a bridal shower and when I'm pregnant I won't have a baby shower either. I'd rather buy everything myself than have a shower. I'm sure when it comes time my family and friends will want to buy things for my baby even though I won't have a shower.
I don't like the idea of a shower anyway (I hope no one takes offense at this, because I mean none). I feel like a shower is something no one ever wants to go to, but when invited to one they feel obligated to go to it. I don't want people to feel the have to give me a gift (and lets face it, that's basically the reason for a shower). If someone wants to give my baby a gift then they will without feeling obligated.

I much more like the idea of a co-ed party (not shower!) to celebrate this special event in ALL of your lives. This baby will be a part of all your family and friends lives too. A party to celebrate that is a lovely idea. Gifts not necessary (though most would probably give them anyway).

[ramanth]

Linn is super laid back and didn't care what kind of party she had for a bridal shower. It was a traditional shower in the sense that only women were there, but that's as traditional as it got.

Linn's MIL refused to drive all the way to my parents house for the shower and decided to throw Linn one of her own.

Mom wasn't too pleased, but Linn figured if it'd keep the peace, she allowed herself to be thrown two parties.

[Samantha Puppy]

Update

My MIL called my mother this afternoon. My mom was surprised that MIL didn't sound at all mad, but rather concerned for me. She asked my mom to speak with me to see if there was anything else they could do that would be okay with Josh and I.

Since I hadn't yet heard back from Erika, all I could go on was that I was told that our friends had no interest in coming to a party in our honor so I went with that. I said how hurt I was that they would "rather not" attend a party held for Josh and I, how I had some reevaluating to do, and how I felt stupid in assuming that Josh and I were as important to them as they were to us. I also reiterated that most of the really important people in my life are guys - my dad and brother, Josh's dad and brothers, my baby, my friends from school, etc. - and that having something to celebrate the baby that Josh and I created together with only my oldest friend's wives and the female-only-side-of-the-family just seemed wrong... so while I appreciated their (my mom's and MIL's) willingness and thoughtfulness to want to do something for Josh, Nug and I, it just wasn't me or us or what either of us would be comfortable with.

MIL then said that she thinks that my guy friends were under the assumption that even though it wasn't classified as a shower, it would still be like one (Hmmm, wonder why? Maybe because it wasn't explained to Erika correctly?) and that Josh's uncles said that if Josh's dad (their brother) wouldn't be there, they didn't want to come either and since my FIL is scheduled to be out of town on the weekend the shower was planned for, that's why all of the men opted not to come. So MIL and my mom are coming over tomorrow and we're going to discuss changing the date and possibly the title of the event (MIL mentioned "open house" but I just think that if it is made clear that it is JUST a party for Josh and I and NOT a shower, classifying it as a party is fine).

So we'll see. I guess my next update will come after I hear from Erika and then tomorrow after I meet with my mom and MIL.

Thanks everyone for listening to me vent. And KBlaix - you hit the nail directly on the head with everything you said. Ramanth - Having two parties in this case would not have kept the peace, it would've made things worse between me and MIL, my mom and MIL, and Josh and his mom. It would've been a disaster.

[carole]

I hope that you can resolve this to your pleasing Jamiee, I completely understand not wanting to be the center of attention, and over the years I have done things I hated to please others, not any more, I say please yourself and do what makes you happy, it is your life and you are entitled to have what you want.

Maybe your MIL interferred too much by the sounds of it, and although I agree Josh should stand by you , it is always hard for a son to be against his mother, he might feel torn between the two of you.

I cannot judge your MIL because I do not know her, but i know that she is going to be in your life for a very long time and really you might just have to stand your ground and it might mean that these type of issues will not happen again in the future, just my thoughts anyhow..but try not to feel Hatred towards her, she might have had good intentions really but just went around it the wrong way.

Life is full of these type of hiccups, someone somewhere always gets their feelings hurt or intentions mis-construed,but a big falling out over this could mean years of hurt and stress, so my advice would be to try and work something out, to suit everyone but mostly yourself without a great big argument if humanely possible.

I hope to be a MIL oneday, and I think this thread is giving MIL a bad name,from all the comments regarding MIL, there are some out there who are ok ya know.

[Samantha Puppy]

Hate is a strong word. I don't hate the woman, I was just extremely upset and emotional yesterday. She and I actually get along great about 98% of the time. She spent the last 25+ years being the only woman in the household (she and FIL had 3 boys) so she's used to getting her way. She's also spent 35+ years around the bossy matriarch of the family so that rubbed off on her too, I'm sure. At any rate, though we have our disagreements I know I'm lucky to have someone like her as a MIL as opposed to, say, what my brother just got as one.

I have given in to her plenty over the last 10 years... sometimes because I was still "just" Josh's girlfriend and didn't feel it was my place to stand up to her and other times to keep the peace. I cut down my side of the guest list for my wedding so that she could invite more people -- and they didn't pay for the reception. Josh and I did. I just felt that if I didn't take a stand in this case, she'd expect me to roll over and get her way with everything and that's just not the way things are going to be. All that in addition to the fact that I hate, loathe and despise having the attention focused on me so the thought of spending the day with the wives of my friends and the women in the family alone, instead of everyone who means something to Josh and I, was just excruciating.

Anyway... I'll see what tomorrow brings. I did hear back from Erika who basically confirmed what I thought. MIL did not explain the party clearly so my guy friends were under the assumption that it would be your average baby shower type party. I don't think it was malicious in intent but the fact still remains that she didn't explain things clearly to Erika so that Erika could spread the word accurately. So I guess there will be one final update tomorrow or Friday, once my mom, MIL and I have spoken tomorrow night. As of right now though, everything is still off.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Have you considered hibernating and taking care of yourself, your hubby and baby and letting the rest of them get on with it? You 3 are the most important.......YOU are the family unit, it isn't a "peepshow" for anyone else, however well meaning they are. Do not go tying yourself in knots over things that really don't matter - your health and that of your baby comes first xx

We don't really have baby showers in the UK so escape all the stress - frankly mums-to-be have enough to cope with

[Samantha Puppy]

Jaime - 1
MIL - 0

Well, we met last night. She still resisted the idea of a coed party, saying that "your friends just aren't going to understand that it isn't a baby shower". I'm mean, so I let her present her whole basis for that argument before telling her that I'd spoken with Erika, she had been under the assumption it was a traditional baby shower, so that I contacted each of my friends to let them know that it was actually just a regular party. That shut her up and she asked for the addresses of the guest list.

She wants to label it as an "open house" so people don't feel the necessity to be at the party at a certain time - they can drop by whenever. I think that's a little dumb, to label it on the invites as an open house, but whatever. It's a minor detail.

So there we go. The party's back on, albeit a week later than originally planned, but still - it's happening. I am relieved!!

[Oggyflute]

Glad your having what you want Jamie.

[rosethecopycat]

I hate being the center of attention. But I adore my MIL.
Sometimes I don't want the traditional things, and they are forced upon me.
Such as, we didn't want a cake at our wedding, and surprise! At the reception (very low key in a B&B) there was a cake! I was told: 'you gotta have cake!' No, if I wanted cake, I would have arranged to have it...

I have been forced to participate in other peoples events, like watching them birth babies, even though I would have just rather receive a phone call about it. As if, I am missing out by not having kids myself....

I would grin and bear your situation, because a party is just one day but the relationship with your relatives is ongoing.
Some people just don't understand the introverted nature of people who don't like parties or attention, they think; Who wouldn't like a party?!?

Your problem lies in a personality clash, I believe between introvertism and extravertism. It is usually the extravert that infringes on the introverts sensibilities, and not the other way round. This leaves the introvert, feeling
uncomfortable.

[catnapper]

Whew! Glad it was worked out!

To be honest, hubby has never gone to any co-ed shower with me. Even the ones listed as open house (yes, a few were)

I know you'll have a great time now! Kudos Jaime!

[Cataholic]

No matter how I try to word this, it comes out wrong. I will just say this, "remember, this is your husband's mother, and more your child's grandmother". Unless there is some safety issue, there isn't any reason why two mature adults can't get along.