Weighing on my mind

[Corinna]

Kim I wish you guys would consider the outward bound program It's simular to what you diid with son, but it challanges the teen to "servive " but doing some really tough things such as hikes, rope climb and outdoor stuff. they get their confadance and learn how to communicate. I'll try to find the web site. One of my girl freinds was a guide and instructor for 15 years says she never had a teen not be changed after completeing the program .
www.outwardbound.com I thing if $$$$ is a problem they have scholarships, but how much is it worth to get her going on the right path?

[carole]

Is it similar to BRAT CAMP,? that was an awesome show, with British children in Utah, they had it tough, but it changed a lot of them, would love to see something similar in my country, but alas it does not exist.

[catnapper]

Thanks again guys....

As for hubby, I suppose I should explain that his fear is making her feel that he also abandoned her. He thinks if he takes my side, then in her mind he has abandoned her. He's desperately afraid to take sides. If he sides with her, he knows its wrong because its not helping her at all, and he knows he'll catch the devil with me. If he sides with me he's going to appear like he's taking my side and not considering her feelings at all. He's basically paralized and frozen in spot.

He tried talking to her again tonight... I sure do feel better realizing its not just ME!

[Fox-Gal]

Your living my old life, I was a step-Mother to 2 for 18 years, a son and daughter. I also had a husband/father that did little to nothing, because of his guilt of the divorce and the few years his children lived with their mother and her new drug dealer of a husband. Somehow he thought it was his fault, for not knowing, that this man, was a big dealer, till after a few years of them living with him.

So I became the hard step-Mother, my husband the softy!! There was a lot of fights/anger with my 2, for a few years. But I would not give in on what I believed was right, for them to grow up to be the adults they should be. And finally after a awhile, when my husband saw the signs that, my way was working, he slowly came around, to realized that being firm with children, didn't mean, that they would love him any less. Sense in the end, his daughter and I became closer, then she ever has been with him............And I was the Meany for years.

But even as the mean old step-mother, I always told them I loved them, even when I sent them to their room and I wanted to kill them. I believed they needed to know, even in the heat of a fight, my love for them stayed the same.......Strong.

Don't give in. Once you give in, once, she will expect it again and again. If you show her, that your values/beliefs can be compromised, just so she will talk to you, or whatever, What have you just taught her??

Second, What I ended up having to do, is put a lot of things on my husband, even if he didn't have the time. Yes he got upset with me. We fought over it. But as I told him, they are your children too and if you can't help me with the problems, where we work together, as parents, then I'm turning the problem over to you and walking away. A few weeks of that and he decided to find a compromise with me.

As for the not talking to you and the evil looks. grunts etc. I know they hurt and you hate it. It makes day to day life a strain. But don't let it get to you, if you can. No mother died of evil looks or of quiet rides in a car, slammed doors etc. It will pass, if you stay strong.

Your goal as a parent is not to be their friend, even though it's would be nice. Our goal is to raise them to be adults, that we can be proud of. You have to think long term. Short term, she might hate you and make life he#, for awhile. Long term, you stick to your guns and fingers crossed, you will have a young woman, you can be proud to say, you raised.

My step-son, now has a wonderfully home in Tenn, owns his own Biz and has 2 perfect children.
My step-Daughter, is now living in Kentucky, runs a store up there as well as helps out at the children's hospital and is married to a great guy.

Two children that I am PROUD to say I raised. So all those years of crying, fighting, slamming doors and even a run away, or two, was worth it......in the long run.

So my advice to you, is think long term, stay strong and don't give in. But in all that's going on, don't forget to tell her you love her, even when she giving you those looks of "I hate you"

[Fox-Gal]

Originally posted by Corinna
Kim I wish you guys would consider the outward bound program It's simular to what you diid with son, but it challanges the teen to "servive " but doing some really tough things such as hikes, rope climb and outdoor stuff. they get their confadance and learn how to communicate. I'll try to find the web site. One of my girl freinds was a guide and instructor for 15 years says she never had a teen not be changed after completeing the program .
www.outwardbound.com I thing if $$$$ is a problem they have scholarships, but how much is it worth to get her going on the right path?

I have two boy, here at the house right now that did that and to hear them talk about it, it's was the greatest thing. One wear's his t-shirt with pride, and shows it to everyone..........it's so funny, but it also shows how much pride he has in going there.

[lizbud]

It was pretty clearly stated that this girl is your step child who
has a Mom who didn't look out for her welfare at all. Sorry if
that wasn't made clear for you. I don't think you don't care.

It's just that the thing that struck me about the situation was
the facts of this child's life are so sad. She seems like a very unhappy kid. How must she feel about herself & life in general
if her Dad won't participate in her parenting, except to "pat her
on the head" and go on his way.I don't have answers to give,
but just felt sad about how awful it would feel if your own Mom
didn't love you. I can think of few things sadder than that.

I do hope you can maybe get some family theraphy or what
ever you need to get this worked out. Good luck, of course.

[carole]

Lizbud although I feel the child obviously has some emotional issues regarding abandonment by her natural birth mother, she has a very loving mother in Kim and her real dad, I don't really feel her life is that sad, infact i think she is exceptionally lucky to have someone as caring as Kim, she just does not see that.

It does affect the child, in my mind there is no doubt, as I have seen it with my own son, more like an anger inside of them, but all the same my own son has had a good upbringing, a mother who loved him and a father who although not his natural father, he could not wish for better.

I think it is too darn easy to blame it all on this alone, she is just giving her parents a hard time right now, probably no different to any other rebellious teenager, it is just we tend to let them off because of other circumstances.

I support Kim 100 per cent here, now she just needs hubby to do the same, I can well understand he feels like piggy in the middle, but all kids need and actually want discipline, once he gets the hang of it, he will see it works and no longer need to feel guilty, tell him Kim he should feel more guilty about letting her away with things, which will in the long run only be detrimental to her well-being.

Now if only I could get my own hubby to discipline his child more. ho hum.

Kim my hubby is like your's in the fact he is a kind, caring loving Dad, he just hates to be the disciplinary parent, it is mostly my job, and it does become tiring doesn't it?

[catnapper]

Lizbud, I'm sorry if I misread your words. I am beyond emotionally frazzled over the whole situation. I over-reacted, and I'm sorry. I get tired of people discounting my feelings since I am a evil-step-monster, and thinking that I don't care because I am the one who catches her in all her lies. People think that because I catch the lies that I'm looking for them, and I'm going to extra lengths to snag her doing something wrong. I'm not! I swear! I know now thats not your intention, but believe me, I've heard my share of it elsewhere.

Regarding my husband, my goodness, he is definately NOT the pat on the back and send her on her way dad. He does EVERYTHING he can to make EACH and EVERY one of her swim meets. Even when she pointedly ignores him during and after the meets. If you've ever been to swim meet... its pure three hours of torture but he does it to watch her swim that 5 minutes. He even held off his own education til if he doesn't finish a mandatory 24 credits by December, he'll permanently loose his teaching certificate just so he could spend as much time with the kids and their activities as possible. He TRIES to sit down with her, and researching colleges, and calling college coaches on her behalf, but she pushes him away. Last year when she acted up, we felt it was because she was jeaous that we were spending so much time with our son contacting colleges... now its her turn and she doesn't want our attention and help in the college search. We continually reach out to her and she continually pushes us back.

[Logan]

Kim, I got your situation and Libby's situation confused. Now I know why I thought you had been with your stepchildren for a long, long time, not just 4 years. Sorry about that! I think you are both saints to have stepped in when you did, though.

Logan

[Pawsitive Thinking]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by catnapper
[B]

"As for hubby, I suppose I should explain that his fear is making her feel that he also abandoned her. He thinks if he takes my side, then in her mind he has abandoned her. He's desperately afraid to take sides"


It's not a case of taking sides for or against your step-daughter - its showing a united front when it comes to the sort of behaviour that you and her Dad expect from her. Easy to say, I know, and virtually impossible to get through to a stubborn stepkid! Echoing what a lot of PT ers have already said, she is a very lucky girl to have you looking out for her and one day she will appreciate you for it (even if its not until her kids are putting her through the same thing)!

I would say that you must make time for you - an hour or so with a friend away from the house where you can concentrate on enjoying yourself........there were times when it was that hour with my mates that kept me sane and step-daughter still breathing!!!

[catnapper]

Sometimes I wish I COULD get away more. I work from home... and the majority of problems started with my unemployment and me being home all the time. I started noticing things I never noticed before because now I'm home and everything I see is day in day out and I notice immediately if something's out of place, missing, etc. Needless to say, I'd catch her doing sneaky stuff because I'd notice things amiss. Things a parent working away from home would never catch. Boy, she looks at me like "HOW'D you notice THAT?" And I don't know myself. Observant?

I do get out and I finally have my own set of friends around me. Thank God. Without a support network, I'd be completely insane by now. Even though my friends can't relate -- either childless, with young babies, or their kids are grown and married.... they still help listen to me vent!

[finn's mom]

I'm glad to hear that you have a support group. That's so important. I wish there was something we could do to help out. I hope it's just an ugly, gawky teenage phase she's going through. I just wonder what's going on in her head, ya know? I hope she opens up to you guys soon.