Just had a bad argument with my parents because of Lily :(

[catmandu]

You know,taht I could no more,see myself,going to a Persons home,and mistreating thier Pets,than I could seeing myself,playing in Traffic.My Mother,Bless HerMemory,taught us,that picking on anyone,was a mark,of direspect,and the mark,of a Coward,and a Bully.

[Barbara]

I am so sorry Kirsten! I have to agree that it shows they have not enough respect for you. They should respect you, even if they think you are crazy- which nobody here would think as we know better, but it will happen to you in the outside world. Why does he need to be funny in a way that is aggressive towards you (because he attacks you in simply ignoring what you asked him to and not so much Lily)?

I have no idea why- but this is the issue you should think about and work upon.

I hope you can talk to your mom later.

[smokey the elder]

Oh, I'm so sorry this happened! Geez, what part of "Leave my cat alone!" doesn't that guy understand?? I hope you can mend fences, but the bottom line is that he didn't comply with your wishes, and it's your house and your cat!

{{Hugz}}.

[Felicia's Mom]

I'm sorry this happened to Lily.

[jazzzytina]

WE LOVE LILY!!!!!!

[Cataholic]

Kirsten,
I am sorry this happened. However, and I think Barbara, for one, touched on it a little. This ISN"T about cats, and Lily. This is about another adult refusing to respect you, your feelings, and your home.

When you take Lily out of the picture (and ship her to my house), and insert, say, a framed artwork on the wall, and a person that refuses to be careful with it, tosses it around, throws stuff on it...well, it is EASY to see the wrongness.

This person, be it your mom, your stepfather, or a friend, is acting very passive aggressive towards you, and trying to manipulate you and your feelings. This isn't about Lily. This is about your stepfather's own internal issues. If I were one to bet...I would say this is not his only 'quirk'. I would bet he is also like this in other areas...and it just hasn't registered with you.

To feel bad about losing your temper is one thing. And, if you feel so inclined, apologize for the way you reacted, but, not for your actions.

[Kirsten]

Thanks everyone for your reply, this is a huge comfort for me, and it's good to be amongst people who understand...

I guess those who have said there's more about the entire thing than "just" Lily are right. I know that I have never been respected as a person by my parents, neither by my biological father (as long as he was alive) nor by the other men my mother had after my father has died (not that you think it's been that many men, she had one other boyfriend she has also lost by death, and now her fiancé, Reinhold). My mother is acting towards me the same way, and I guess her spouses just pick that up and continue what she's doing. In some way, Reinhold is even nicer to me than my father was, but like my mother, he's not taking me serious. I guess they all have problems with the fact that I've chosen to live with cats instead of husband and kids. They just don't get it (and my mother reacts really hurt when I'm telling her that it's probably the bad experiences I made with my father that made me prefer being single; she doesn't want to hear any of that, most likely because it's makes her feel guilty).

Anyway, it's a good suggestion to write a letter, and to analyze the entire situation. LOL, I would love to print out this thread and show it to them, but none of them is speaking English.

I haven't spoken to them since that yesterday's incident. Last night, my mother sent a message to my cell phone to let me know she cannot sleep, and that I should never yell at Reinhold again, he wouldn't deserve that... (see, she's not getting the point, she only sees that her Reinhold was hurt and treated badly, but she does not see what's the cause). Well, I replied this morning that they should think about why I have reacted that way, and that I have said several times before that I don't want my cats to be teased by him, and that it's obviously a problem for him to respect that wish. Got no reply to that so far, so I guess they are really mad at me.

BTW, they do have animals, one Rottweiler, and a cat. They are proud that both these animals are absolutely following their rules, but their education is based on fear, and not on friendship and respect. At times, Dino (the cat) acts very mean and aggressive, and he hates people (but he loves me, comes into my lap when I'm there, at least as long Reinhold isn't in the same room).

Well, as it seems, there's no other way but meeting them only outside my apartment. We've been at this point before, and they know that I haven't invited them for a while for exactly that reason - and they have learnt nothing!!

Kirsten

[Laura's Babies]

This may be a few days late but MY opinion is I wouldn't write a letter or have ANY communications with them at all, it would be a closed book and the end of that story.

ANYONE who mistreats ANY animal WILL and DOES also mistreat humans, as he has already proven by not respecting your wishes in YOUR home or respecting your fur kid. I personally, prefer NOT to assosciate with people like that since he could put on the appearance of being sorry to get back in your good graces and then continue to mistreat her behind your back.

There seems to be to much negativetivity around your Mom and her choice of men and WHY would you subject yourself to that? I am the sort of person that if a person does not respect ME and mine, I do not want them around me, no matter WHO they are. As much as I loved my Mom, I was forced to tell her several times that if she was going to continue to act like she could get at times, I would NOT be coming around and did not want her at MY house. I just will not tolerate all that, life is to short to live that way. My step Dad I totally banned from my house and being around my children when they were small because of his drinking and fowel mouth... BUT, he knew I loved him and I was always there when he needed me and he knew what lines NOT to cross with me.

I am VERY strict with the people I love and am real quick to draw the lines they better not cross. The first time I would have caught someone being mean to one of my babies, I would have told them the very NEXT time they did that, WOULD be that LAST and the next time, they would no longer be welcome in my home anymore and I would not let them in.... But I know not everybody is like I am and you do what you feel you need to do. NO ONE mistreates MINE under ANY circumstances, no matter WHO it is! (I have dumped many boyfriends over my cats)

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

Oh Kirsten, that was a very mean thing what your stepfather did to Lily!! there is absolutely NO excuse for doing that!! You did very good by yelling at him!! if he doesn't get the picture, that's to bad then...! I'm sorry for you that your mom doesn't see what got you so mad...

[moosmom]

At times, Dino (the cat) acts very mean and aggressive, and he hates people (but he loves me, comes into my lap when I'm there, at least as long Reinhold isn't in the same room).

THAT says it all!!! Their own animals are afraid of him!!

Reinhold has a big problem with animals, loving and respecting them. I wouldn't be at all surprized if he treats your mother the same way. He sounds like a control freak to me. Some women's self-esteem is so low, they settle for guys like him. They feel they are NOTHING without a man in their life. How do I know??? I USED to be one of those women. Years later I realized that a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

I feel sorry for your mother. But I would stick to your guns. It ISN'T about Lily. It's about Reinhold respecting your wishes when he's in YOUR home.

[Randy_K]

You did the right thing and it will probably all work out in the end. You no longer have asked to have your wishes respected, you have demanded to have them respected. If those terms are unacceptable to any of your visitors then you're better off without them in your home. Your mother will get over it.

[Kirsten]

Well, here's a little update:

Reinhold called me on Saturday morning, asking why I haven't called them. I told him that my mother doesn't want me to, and that I'm still upset about the incident. He explained he reacted that way because he found it odd that a cat opens a sliding door and walks into the cabinet. Told him that Lily is allowed to do so, and even if she wasn't, it would have been my turn to tell her, not his, and I would have used other methods but punishment. I don't know if he really got my point, but he better does!

Then he asked me if I would stop by in the afternoon (at their restaurant), and I was reluctant at first, but then I did. My mother acted as if nothing has happened, and I didn't bring up the subject with her since I felt it wouldn't make any sense. When my mother feels defensive (and I'm sure she knew they were wrong), she cannot admit her faults but acts hurt and offended. It would have only led to a new argument, at least at this point. But I have planned to bring this up again when some time has passed.

Actually, I feel I made it too easy for them, but I hope they have learnt that lesson. I don't like being in conflict with somebody, and especially since my mother's sister has suddenly passed away last fall, I realized that my mother isn't the youngest anymore (64), and that she might not be there anymore one day.

moosmom, Reinhold is indeed a control freak when it comes to animals, but not with the women he lived with. It's more the other way around. When he was still married (his wife has died), he didn't have much to say in that relationship (he told me that when I yelled at him, he thought he'd see his wife in front of him). My mother isn't that bad, but still the one who's wearing the trousers. Guess he doesn't have much self confidence when it comes to people (he grew up in an orphanage), and I figure that's why he has to show to animals (who he considers to be lower creatures) that he's the boss. Sad.

Kirsten

[catcrazylady]

Kirsten I'm glad the peace has started and I'm especially glad that they initiated it. They knew they were in the wrong or they never would have made the first move.
I think you may have really gotten point across this time. At least I hope so!
It is wonderful of you to understand the reasons behind Reinhold's behavior. It doesn't make it right but understanding why makes you a better person.
I agree with you that if it's possible you should try to resume relations with them. She is your mother and you are so right when you say the day will come when she will no longer be here. I would hate to think that later you would have regrets if you didn't attempt to mend fences.
They still MUST abide by your rules in your home. That is simple respect and everyone deserves that. Even though you are a grown woman they still see you as a "child" and are not regarding your feelings. That is wrong on their part and that needs to change.

You are a wonderful person, a wonderful kitty meowmie, and I'm sure a wonderful daughter. Don't ever forget that Kirsten. Every person deserves to have their wishes respected and absolutely in their own home. Stay firm in your beliefs but keep peace whenever you can. You are the bigger and better person for it.
{{{HUGS}}}

[Kirsten]

(((CCL))) Thank you!!!

Kirsten

[gini]

Originally posted by catcrazylady
They still MUST abide by your rules in your home. That is simple respect and everyone deserves that. Even though you are a grown woman they still see you as a "child" and are not regarding your feelings. That is wrong on their part and that needs to change.

You are a wonderful person, a wonderful kitty meowmie, and I'm sure a wonderful daughter. Don't ever forget that Kirsten. Every person deserves to have their wishes respected and absolutely in their own home. Stay firm in your beliefs but keep peace whenever you can. You are the bigger and better person for it.
{{{HUGS}}}

Kirsten, I could not have said this better myself. I am happy that this has taken a turn for the better for you. But do stay firm on the ground rules for your home and pets.