Why make the choice to not have children?

[Denyce]

It can be frustrating and demeaning to hear day after day "You'll change your mind" "it's different when it's your own" "It'll change when you meet the right man" (I still hear this even though I'm engaged!) "Oh that's so SELFISH", "Who will take care of you when you're old?" "You don't really know what love is until you have a child!" "What if your parents thought the same way?" "Children are our future!" "You were a child once, too!" and a thousand other things that build up and after time a thick wall of resentment is formed.

Wolfchan!

I can tell you how many times I have heard all of these EXACT same phrases my entire life!!! It is so wonderful not to be alone in this life choice. I always wondered what it was about meeting the right man that would make me want to pass something the size of a watermelon out of my body

While some women may feel that they have been looked down upon by those of us who choose the child free life I know from my experience it is only those who force and shove their children down my throat first whom I have been perhaps rude with. I really don't appreciate it when someone with children comes to MY home and EXPECTS me to tolerate their bratty children. I have had collectibles value destroyed by this one neighbors child. It was a Disney stuffed Bambi and Dumbo that I had gotten as a child in perfect condition from one of those fast food give aways. If you keep them in perfect condition with the tags they can eventually be worth quite a bit of money. This child went into my bedroom...got the stuffed animals off the shelf without asking and ripped the tags out of the ears before I knew she had her grubby little hands on them. These "toys" were already about 25 years old at the TIME! And the mother didn't even apologize...she just laughed.

I also don't appreciate being told I have no idea of how to raise a child just because I never had one. In my opinion I am better at knowing what is the right thing to do because I am not so emotionally involved with the child so I can make a clear, consise and logical decsion in the matter....*LOL*

Denyce

[stacwase]

I always knew I wanted children. One of my sisters has decided she never wants any, though. She's terrified that she'll turn out to be the sort of person our parents were, and she doesn't want to ever put a child through that. I think that's often an issue - people are afraid that their children will have bad childhoods, and don't want to risk it.

[carole]

I simply cannot imagine my life without children, I always had the maternal instinct, and I can see my young daughter has too,(just as long as she waits until she is around 30 lol).

My first child was born at 24, from that day on I grew up, and became a mature human being, less selfish,(you have to be)if you want to be a good parent, and I consider them both a huge blessing in my life, there are times you think WHY did I have children, but not too often, they are the most precious in my life.

I Really admire those who decide not to have children, for whatever reason, because unfortunately there are those who do, and should never have, because they are irresponsible, and the children suffer, I know a few like that myself, and the damage done to the children is something that can never be repaired.

I have friends who chose not to have children, I have no problem with it, having children does not mean you are a valuable person in society,it does not make you some special human being, you can be all that with or without kids.

Each to their own, but for me, I would have been heart-broken could I not have had my children, however I never wanted a big family, two children was all I felt I could cope with, financially, emotionally etc, and as I got one of each, I was extremely lucky, my sister had two children as well, one of each, and so did my mother, funny how that has run in our family, two is the magic number in our case.

[catland]

good thread everyone.

I always though that I'd probably have children "someday" because it was what you do - but someday came and went and here I am, going on 48 years old, with my husband (a wonderful man) and my three kitties.

I always felt so ambivalant - which I figured was not a good enough reason to have kids. I also just don't understand the whole maternal instinct thing - I really think that I just plain lack it.

Its been hard sometimes, my parents came from large families and I have a sister and three brothers and all of them have kids - I feel sometimes like an outsider around them - like they pity me or don't understand me (this could all be in my head, but it is how I feel). I've also had to tolerate a father-in-law who has said on more than one occasion how its too bad that his son isn't a father - that one really stings.

But then just last week, the woman that cuts my hair and who has a grown special needs son commented to me how her generation often had children for the wrong reason and that she had her son for the wrong reason - as a way to salvage a failing marriage.

To all of you who have or want children - that's wonderful and I wish you the very best. For the rest of us, its so nice to hear that we're not alone.

[Cataholic]

At first, I was annoyed with this thread. Then, I realized it was because of my current state of whale-ness, and read the responses again.

Some of what the CF or CBC people say actually still runs through my mind. Can I do it? Can I give up so much? Will I make a good parent? Will I develop maternal instincts? Will I love 2 am messy diapers and feedings the day before I have a trial? He he he. Possibly an absolute NO on that last one.

Then, I read what Logan and Carole, for example, have written, and something inside me says, "yes, I will do it gladly". I have had many people tell me something magical happens when the baby is born, or placed in your arms for the first time. That alot of your fears disappear, and you just 'become'. (No, I am not in fantasy land, I am talking about generalities, and normalacy here). While I don't necessarily applaud those that choose to have children, I don't really think more or less of those that choose not to have children. It is a personal choice, alot of times, and that is what makes us different. Just think if you all wanted to become lawyers...it would STINK. And, most of you would say, "well, why would I EVER do something like that!" We are just different.

I don't really get the hatred or the "I can't stand babies" anymore than I understand "I hate cats" or "Cats scare me". All kids are different. Just like all adults are different. Some I love to be around, some I don't. With infants/young children, at least usually it is not them, but the environment that they are reacting to. Adults? I don't know what their excuses are.

I came to mom-hood by chance, rather than choice, I suppose (though...how much by chance was it really?). Will I regret my decision? I sure hope not. But, really, who knows what life will be like once my son is here. I can't pretend to know.

[ILoveReptiles]

One thing I don't get is the assumption some people have that everyone likes kids. Who says I have to like children? Where is it written? I don't understand why people refuse to accept the fact that there are people out there, like myself, who genuinely do not like being around them, or anything about them.

Why is that so wrong?

[catnapper]

I'd like to add that I would never discourage anybody from having children. I am happy when someone says they are expecting or trying to get pregnant. I just know without a doubt that it is not for me. I had a dream the other night... really it was a nightmare... I dreamt that I was pregnant. It was so real. So heartstopping. All I thought was "well mom will be happy. I'm not." Heck, if it can seep through to your dreams, its gotta be a pretty strong emotion!

One thing that I cannot stand is when people constantly ask me when my husband and I will be having kids together. We do... three kids from hid first marriage. No, they say, a new baby from YOU. Um... that's not happening. In 5 years, the youngest will be heading to college, why would we start all over again? Not only that, but he's "fixed" and isn't interested in becoming "unfixed" I knew this from date one. If I had a problem with it, then I would have not gone on dates #2, 3, 4.....

As for people making comments on either side of the debate, its rude. People should not make someone else feel guilty over their personal choices. People should not feel compeled to explain their reasons to strangers! My SIL was 40 when she had my niece... do you know the rude comments she had to endure? So what, she will be an old mom. She has more energy than I do! The thing about choices is that they are CHOICES. Only something you can make and keep.

[Karen]

I have different friends who have chosen to remain childless for different reasons.

One knows his mother's mental illness is often inherited, and knows how his own life has been damaged by her illness. He doesn't want to pass on either.

One friend had such a screwed-up upbringing that she spent years in therapy, and knows she doesn't have a clue about motherhood - as she wasn't every really "mothered" herself.

One friend knows herself well enough to know she's too concerned with herself to be a good parent.

I do not think anyone should pressure another person to have a child. I think the first prerequisite for becoming a mom should be wanting to be one.

And, Johanna, I hope you come to the Pet Talk gathering Memorial weekend. I bet you are not too big to be hugged if you want to be! Whale-ness, hrumph! Your little boy is gonna have more "online aunts and uncles" than most!

And I don't think ANYONE enjoys 2 am diaper-changes, but it's one of the prices one pays for the bundle of love! (And they don't (2 am diaper-changings) last forever, which is also good.)

[Sirrahsim]

this thread has been wonderful. I still do not understand why anyone would NOT want to have kids or how in the world anyone could not LIKE kids, but I guess I never will. I know that I'm not going to be a perfet parent and neither is my husband. I know that there will be times that I just want to scream and go to bed, but I also know that when I look into my baby's eyes, something completely perfect will have occured. I respect everyone's opinions and everyone has the right to not want children.
I have spent so much time studying and researching and worrying about whether I will be a good Mom to my future kids. But there is nothing in the world that excites me so deeply as looking forward to being a Mom. The thought that my husband and I will be largely responsible for shaping and molding a new life someday makes my heart feel so full of love- and we aren't even planning on trying to conceive for a few more years Thank you for explaining your views, and listening to mine. This has been a very enlightening discussion.

[moosmom]

Well, I can tell you from experience that motherhood is NOT all that it's cracked up to be.

I was very young and foolish when I got married at the age of 20. I saw all my friends getting married and having babies. I at one point decided to live with my "then" boyfriend. My father, being the very strict, conservative type said, "No daughter of mine is going to live in sin!!" So, I got married. What does my father do??? Six months into a relationship, he moves in with HIS girlfriend!!!

"Oh that's so SELFISH", "Who will take care of you when you're old?"

That is THE dumbest remark I have EVER heard!!

Anyway, getting off the tracker here...I had Amy when I was 23. At the time I thought I was in heaven. Years later, I admitted to myself AND my best friend, that I didn't think I was mother material. I mean, I ADORE my daughter, don't get me wrong, but if I had to do it over again, I probably would've passed on motherhood. Of course, hindsight has 20/20 vision.

Been there, done that...didn't WANT the tee-shirt!!

To this day, I get SO annoyed when I hear crying, whiny, unruly kids at the store. I just have no patience for it!

BTW Kimmy, I DO respect your feelings and opinions. It takes a very special kind of person to be a parent. I guess I just don't happen to be one of them,

[carole]

To be perfectly honest, there have been times, when I have said to myself "This is such a hard job, and am I up to it" with no training, only instinct to go by, motherhood indeed can be a challenge, infact I found it harder the second time around, I had a big gap of nearly 11years, my wee girl Bless her, was not the easiest of babies, whereas my first, my son was a breeze, it was nerve-racking at times, but she has turned out pretty well, no-one is the perfect parent, and sometimes parenthood is very demanding, and you just have to be a little selfish at times, and take much needed time out for yourself, in fact it is detrimental I believe to the children and yourself if you don't, I have never been one to palm my children onto other's family or friends, therefore that break is far and few between, to me life without my kids would cease to exist, there is no stronger bond I believe than that of a parent and his/her child.

I don't think anyone is exactly wrong for disliking children, but I think its sad that you do, because as pointed out , each child is individual, and different and unique in their own way,it may well be a part of your life you can well do without, but I compare it to people who dislike animals, IMO only they are missing out on so much in their lives, it can only be enriching, to have enough love to share with both humans and animals.

Yes having kids is a personal choice and one not to be taken lightly, it is a job for life, just because they grow up and become adults, you never stop worrying about them, caring for them, and hoping for the best in their lives.

Johanna it is understandable to have fears about becoming a mother, will I be a good parent? can I Cope? etc etc, it's a fear of the unknown, only time will tell, but I cannot imagine you to be anything less than a good mother., for some it comes naturally, others have to work on it, and for all it is exceptionally rewarding, not that the rewards are that often lol.(but well worth the wait).

[Sirrahsim]

Originally posted by carole
I don't think anyone is exactly wrong for disliking children, but I think its sad that you do, because as pointed out , each child is individual, and different and unique in their own way,it may well be a part of your life you can well do without, but I compare it to people who dislike animals, IMO only they are missing out on so much in their lives, it can only be enriching, to have enough love to share with both humans and animals.

I agree whole heartedly I wanted to say something to this effect, but I couldn't put it into words

[guster girl]

It's enriching if it's what you want and/or need. It's like a reptile lover saying a reptile hater is missing out on so much not having reptiles in their life. That's just simply not the case. I can't imagine not having rodents, but, there are plenty of people that can't stand them. Their lives certainly wouldn't be enriched if they somehow had rodents. I know it may not seem like a good analogy, but, it's the same concept. And, I don't think anyone here has said that they don't realize kids are individuals, and, unique. Maybe I overlooked that somewhere. I will say that I don't think not wanting kids has ANYTHING to do with not having love to share with another human. Just as I don't think not wanting animals has anything to do with not having love to share with them. I've seen plenty of cases where people with children and people with pets have been everything but enriched. I couldn't imagine my life without pets, but, I completely understand when people don't have them. Everyone is different, and, it's what makes life interesting. It's just a matter of seeing things from another's perspective, being accepting, and, opening your mind to the idea that people are just wired differently. Different things make different people happy. There's no need to feel sad for anyone because they don't have in their lives things that make your life complete. I mean, if someone couldn't have kids, and, wanted them, that's sad. Moving into an apartment and not being able to have a dog if you want one, that's sad. But, not wanting kids and not having kids, that's not sad. I've enjoyed this thread immensely. And, y'all will be the first to know if I ever get pregnant! Ha! For now, I'll just love on the few babies and children that I connect with...... On a really happy note, one of my favorite couples is pregnant with a baby boy. Now, that baby's already got me hooked and isn't even born yet, just cuz I love his parents so much.

[captain]

Originally posted by shais_mom
She SNAPPED at me "do you have kids" I said "No" she said "Well that explains it"

Shais_mom - I wholeheartedly agree with you - I get so annoyed when people say that to me!! WHAT, because I don't have KIDS I have NO UNDERSTANDING??

I have some friends who are childfree, and one of them got so sick of people asking her and her husband when they were having kids she told them she was infertile, had an infection and had a hysterectomy (all untrue!!) but NO-ONE ever asked her again. That is SAD!

I don't care if you have kids or not. No-one has the right to tell you "right or wrong" whether you should have kids or not. It should be no-ones business but your own!

To those of you who are happily CF - good luck to you! To those of you who have kids (or are in the process of "incubating" a little one, Johanna!!), good luck to you too.

Carole - if and when it ever happens to me, I am PM'ing you. You voiced so many of my concerns, and I think I will need to "bounce" some others off you too!!!

Good thread!

[CathyBogart]

Guster Girl - You put words to what I was thinking...I've been in hysterics all night because I lost my Chloe-rat tonight (I'll post a thread in Pet General later, so don't respond here because I don't want to hijack), but I know many people who find rats repulsive or frightening, and I respect them by never trying to shove my rats in their face or saying things like "You don't know what you're missing" (Unless they make a rude comment about ME keeping rats)

That is, in my opinion, the difference between being less something and free from something. I am a child-free person, because I don't feel that my life would gain any enrichment from a child, but I am currently scorpion-less because I don't have one, but I feel that I would love to have one and would take a lot of positive things from the experience of having one.

Now, I'm going to admit something that will surprise a few folks in here.....I LIKE Alikkon's niece! When she's not being noisy or hiperactive, she's cute. I danced with her at his sister's wedding, and I LIKED it. So :P

My boss told me awhile ago "you'll change your mind when you meet the right man".....after she already KNEW I am engaged. 0.o What on earth? Am I supposed to meet some guy now, and suddenly my uterus is going to scream out in yearning? 0.o Somehow I doubt that.