Brand new JOKES Thread!

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

A long search for the old Jokes-thread once started by our Popcornbird, didn't help me find it... .

But, hey, with a new year coming up, how about starting a brand new JOKES Thread?! A good joke is always good for the spoul, or like my granddad used to say : "A good joke a day, keeps the doctor away" . ( he got 92 )

Let's start!! Post as many jokes as you like!


A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant
that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he
wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked
inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you
have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider
eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"
"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied. ************************************************** *********************

A Latin American tour guide was addressing a small group of
senior citizens and telling them about the country they were
visiting. When he asked if they had any questions, one person
inquired, "What is the number one sport in this country?"

"Bullfighting," the guide replied.

The same person asked, "Isn't that revolting?"

"No," replied the tour guide. "That's number two!"

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

One more, a little bit "naughty"

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."


"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.


"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"


"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"


"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they've finally laying fertilized eggs."


"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"


"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence!", she replied....

[jujuboy]

a drunk guy trips and stumbles his way inside a bar...
finally he sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey...
being quite drunk and not being able to focus...
he finally notices a horse sitting next to him having a beer...
he takes a good, hard, long, look and finally says...
"Hey buddy, (hic)..why the long face??"...

Why didn't the skeleton jump of the cliff?
Coz he didnt have the guts!!!...

yeah, yeah, i know corny!!...

[buttercup132]

Blonde Diary:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.
Helllloooo!!! bottles won't fit in typewriter!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on an escalator for hours.....power went out!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water
won't fit into those little packets!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the
other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because
soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it?

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108 lbs!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on
the stupid phone!

What a year!!

[borzoimom]

Buttercup- ROFL!!!!!

[jackmilliesmom]

Heres one got it a while back but made me laugh - sorry if it offends someone but I am catholic and I still laughed...



A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the
Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!

[jackmilliesmom]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game,

he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

[jackmilliesmom]

Will look up a couple more later busy at work right now - sorry

[lvpets2002]

Reading Test

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is forty cat
11. This is seconds cat

Now read each line
Now go to the third word & read straight down..

[lvpets2002]

Boudreaux & Band-Aids

Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux..
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile..
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step..
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed on his rump..
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painfull..
Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding..
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood..
He thin hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room..
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux said "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?
"Well", Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror..

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

Uh oh.....

A guy goes to a super-maket and notices a beautiful blonde waving at
him. She says, "Hello!"

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her
from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

She replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

He thinks back to the only time he was ever unfaithful to his wife.
He says, "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I
laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in it?"

She said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

[DrKym]

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog . . . . . . . . Duh! I wanted to say..."here's your sign!". but instead....

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it . I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me...

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door

[GreyhoundGirl]

Rofl!!!!!!!!!!! :d :d

[Dorothy39]

Goodnow~

Laughing too hard to type~~~( call 911, call 911)

[karlyb]

I've read the Purina diet joke a few times before and laugh like a loon each time. Thanks for posting it, Goodnow!