Weighing on my mind

[catnapper]

I talked to her today. She SWEARS that nothing's wrong and she's just not talkative, and that she doesn't talk to dad either. True... you should have seen/heard their conversation last night. It was actually rather funny to hear the conversation
hubby asked "So, how was work?
Her answer "fine."
Hubby tried again "Did you get any kids in trouble?" (she's a life guard)
Her answer: No
Hubby: You going to say anything with more than one syllable?
Her: ERG! (in a frustrated high picthed tone)
Hubby: Ok, what do you want to talk about?
Her: NOTHING! Leave me alone.... stomop stomp stomp up the steps

During my talk today, I rehearsed it a hundred times what I'd say. I did really good for the first two minutes... then I started to cry. Yeah, some big meanie I am! I dropped her off at home. Apparently I should have dropped her off at work... did she TELL me? No... when she didn't come in the house I looked outside and she was halfway down the block headed towards work. I guess my little tak/cry had no effect on her.

I'd LOVE to send her back home to mom... if mom would take her. Mom won't even send birthday cards or call. They don't even get Christmas gifts from her. We know from experience that sometimes seeing how life is with omeone else is worse than home. Last summer, my son was going through a stage where laziness was taken to new heights. We sent him out of state for the summer to a relative and would NOT bring him home no matter how much he begged. What a difference that made! WOW. We discussed it, and there's nowhere we can send her. Nobody was willing to take her for the summer, except one sister in law, and since we've had a falling out since her offer, she won't take her now. (we're still trying to figure out what we didwrong, but apparently we hurt that sister badly )

[moosmom]

Kim,

WOW!!! Your situation brings back SO many memories of my relationship with MY stepmother. But, that's an entirely different story.

Caseysmom is right. You've got her number and she knows it and I'm SURE doesn't like it. She's playing you like a fine violin. You need to sit her down, tell her regardless of how she feels about you, you are still her mother, and she is to treat you with the respect you deserve. PERIOD!

Then I would tell hubby to grow a backbone and discipline his kid. She's got him wrapped around her little finger, it's obvious.

Maybe Brody's Mom is right. Give her a dose of her own medicine and don't talk to her. Eventually she'll have to make her own mistakes, falling down as she goes. It's a little bit of "tough love", I guess.

I wouldn't wish this kind of problem on anyone! I'm sorry you've been put in the middle. Stay strong, Kim. Things will work out, no matter how bad they look right now.

[catnapper]

Originally posted by finn's mom
And, just a question, does she throw that cliche out...but, you're not my mother...?

LOL.. she tried it ONCE. She didn't get the hurt reaction she expected... I laughed and told her "Damn good thing I'm not, isn't it?"

I keep appologising to my mom for anything I may have done as a teenager to make her pull her hair out! I hope and pray that SOME day she'll have kids of her on and realize why I do some of the things I do. I seriously hope she has step kids so she gets the full dose of what its like.

My brother used to always think my stepdad was a cold, heartless, unloving man. I always told him that he had dad pegged wrong. Then something happened: he had a kid of his own. Now he thnks dad is an amazing man. Funny how one thing can change your whole perspective. (BTW, my stepdad IS my dad... my real father is nothing more than a sperm donor to me.)

[finn's mom]

Originally posted by catnapper
(BTW, my stepdad IS my dad... my real father is nothing more than a sperm donor to me.)

My step dad is my dad, too. My dad was more than a sperm donor, but, my step dad is amazing. I was lucky to have two great dads for a few years. My dad died when I was nine. My mom and step dad had been married about three years already. But, anyway....maybe your step daughter just doesn't feel like she can open up to or trust parents, especially if her mom doesn't even contact her. There are so many things that are probably in her head, and, in her heart. Something will have to happen that will break her walls down.

[Karen]

Ask her, if she doesn't like to talk, whether she'd be more comfortable writing things down? Maybe buy a journal or note book, write this message in it with whatever you want to say to her, and ask her that she write a response, and give it back to you. You can try that, trading off turns, ask her if there's anything she'd like to ask/tell you ...

Reinforce that if you didn't love her, you wouldn't care. But you do, so you do care, and want to help her.

Reinforce that you will always love her, that will not change, and you will always be part of her life. BUT that she needs to learn her actions have consequences, and you are not going to be a doormat. There's a difference.

Is there anywhere she could do community service this summer, maybe working with either disadvantaged children or the elderly? Something that would a - help her school transcript for later, count toward graduation if her school has a CS credit, and might lend some perspective to her existence, help her see beyond the end of her own nose?

Even if she doesn't know it now, you are being a better parent to her than the two responsible for her birth. She may already know that in her heart, if she doesn;t, she will some day.

[catnapper]

Karen, we have done everything you listed. Last summer was the journal. She did not take to it. Funny thing was my son did, and I was surprised to see he still kept writing long past summer. The summer beofre last was where she had to do community service at the local retirement home. All that taught her was old men are sly creatures (she said they all pinched her butt! )

She actually does have two jobs this summer- lifegaurding at the pool and at the local ice cream shop where she worked last summer and all school year. She got my youngest daughter a job there this summer too.

We've tried so many things with her. Sigh.

[lizbud]

While I would not comment on your family problems with your
step daughter, I will say one thing. I feel very sorry for this child.
She has an emotionally distant Father & a Mother who doesn't
love her. How sad is that? The teenage years are hard without
a strong support system at home.

[catnapper]

Originally posted by lizbud
While I would not comment on your family problems with your
step daughter, I will say one thing. I feel very sorry for this child.
She has an emotionally distant Father & a Mother who doesn't
love her. How sad is that? The teenage years are hard without
a strong support system at home.

I sure hope you're referring to her BIRTH mother as not loving her. Because I Love that kid tremendously. If I did not, I would just sit back and let her screw up her life doing god knows what and not care one fig. As for my husband, he is the most loving and compassionate father I've ver met -- thats how I fell in love with him -- seeing how much his kids meant to him.

She HAS a support system. At home, and with other family members. SHE chooses not to open up and utilize her opportunities to talk. WHICH IS MY WHOLE DILEMMA.

Its sad that you are taking my heartache and turning into fuel for fire. If I thought she was not worth the fight then I would have left a loonnnng time ago. Being a step parent is a zillion times harder than a birth parent because you have to deal with the child's preconception of you, their emotional scars from the deterioration of their real parent's relationship, the courts system's total blindness toward you (stepparents have NO legal rights whatsoever in the court system), and the relationship of the missing parent, ON TOP of all the other parenting duties you might ordinarily face. PLUS... its unspoken, but always there in the minds of all involved: I am NOT their mother. Which is fine, I accept that. But I won't ever accept that they are not loved by me or my husband.

[jenluckenbach]

Kim, I can see that Lizbud meant the biological mother. And she is probably refering to Grant's inability to discipline (which in its own way, IS emotionally distant).

Persoanlly, I think you are doing just about everything RIGHT! But If Grant (as the father and biological parent) won't do his part, your part will NEVER be looked upon as anything but cruelty.

You NEED to get this through to him. THAT is where you should be focusing your energy (and anger).

[Logan]

Kim, I think maybe you misinterpreted what Liz was trying to say. I didn't take from her comments that she was talking about "you" at all, but about her mother's indifference and what I interpret to be a lack of fathering from her dad (not lack of love). I am not trying to put words in Liz's mouth, but that's the way I interpreted it when I read it.

I, personally, do not know how you do it, day to day, with an indifferent child. I do view your situation as that you ARE her mother, not her step-mother, especially since her birth mother is not involved in her life at all. Sometimes, I think that no matter what a parent or step-parent does, it just doesn't work with some kids. Isn't that sad? Some kids just can't recognize or don't want to recognize love and care. I think I would have to play her game. Be pleasant, provide food and shelter for her, and a ride to work if that's your agreement. But beyond that, I wouldn't even try to discuss it again. Leave her alone for a while, but continue to maintain the family rules that have been established. Don't allow her words or lack of them to hurt you anymore by trying so hard. Expend your energy and love on the children who want it right now and let this girl have some time to herself if that's what she seems to want.

I do wish you the very best of luck with this situation. It has to be stressful on your marriage to be put in the middle of this situation. It is hard!!! And I feel for you all, including your husband, who wants to be the "good" guy to everyone.

With best intentions,
Logan

Edit: I would NOT change your mind about the permit until she has earned the right, Kim. (Just sent you a PM with some personal thoughts, too)

[finn's mom]

I agree to the last two posts, I didn't want to seem like I was putting words in liz's mouth either. but, that's how I read her post, too, i just couldn't think of the right way to say it. and, as for her saying your husband is emotionally distant, it's just based on what you've told us as far as he won't do anything to help the situation. i hope you're able to talk to him so that YOU can have the support YOU need.

[Mad Mags Moo]

Hi Kim!
Just been reading all this through and i have no experience what so ever with kids or step parents etc but I think you are the best mum that this girl has and you are doing a great job. Grant really should try and support you more.....united together and you could get through the barricade and get somewhere together.
I would not give her driving lessons....big mistake.....never teach a loved one how to drive...learned that the hard way...that is why i still have to get my car licence! Dad (god rest his soul) tried to teach me to drive....gave up after i tried to kill us both...got a wee bit confused with brake and go faster pedal!!!
It sounds to me as if you have tried everything to get this very ungrateful girl (and she is ungrateful) to listen, understand and co operate. So maybe it is time for tough love.....just tell her that you love her as if she was your own daughter but now she has to find her own way in the world and just leave her to her own devices. Let her make mistakes and just be there if or when the shit hits the fan and more importantly get Grant to be on the same wavelength.
Not sure how easy this is to put into practice but maybe it is time that you just kick back and just say fine you know best....go ahead but I will always be here for you and you know where i will be if you need me.
Is that any good Kim? Mmmm now i see why i don't have kids!!!!
Good luck and will be thinking of you.

[carole]

Kim I would imagine step-parenting to be the hardest job in the world, I have never had to do it but hubby has, although my son is legally adopted by my husband from the age of Ten, both my son's and husbands choice.

I can only relate to being the biological parent, I know at times I am very defensive of my son, if my hubby say's things against him, even if they are true, I try not to do it, but it is just natural, whereas because Melissa is his biological daughter the problem never arises, sometimes I take things negatively, and really hubby was not meaning it that way.

I think unless Hubby can really see his faults ,nothing much will change, he is your best bet, if you want a turn around, and from the sounds of it you are beating your head against a brick wall, but keep trying to communicate with him and get through to him, that you cannot do it alone and cope with it all by yourself.

It is obvious you love this girl as if she were your own, as you say why would you even bother to care, take time here to ask for advice if you did not, she is a very lucky young lady, she just does not realise it.

She does sound like she is reacting the way she does, because she has some emotional turmoil going on inside, probably due to the lack of love shown from her REAL mother, a counsellor once told me something regarding my son, although I told him that his father and I separated mutually,that just does not make things all right for him, he still feels competely abandoned by his natural father, and feels that he owes him, even if it is only monetary, this is something I never really thought about, she probably feels exactly the same, apparently it is a normal reaction for children , where one parent is absent.

Kim I hope some of this helps,I can hear your pain sweetie,and feel for you so much, it is a battle, that I hope you can win. GOOD LUCK.

[caseysmom]

In Kim's husband's defense, I think it is hard for men with their girls. My husband is having a hard time with our boy crazy 14 year old, I think they remember how they were as hormone crazed boys and it scares them. I think they at least in my hubby's case its easier if I handle it, they just don't know how to deal with it.

[carole]

I agree to a certain extent what you are saying Caseymom, but I am afraid it is an easy cop out, Kim needs the emotional support and he just has to step up to the mark IMO, otherwise Kim will just not beable to cope, and that is hardly fair on her.

As I pointed out I can relate, my own hubby is extremely soft on our daughter and it does create problems, not only for her, but between us,she knows Dad is a soft touch,as does Kim's stepdaughter, it gets tiring playing bad cop all the time, it just completely drains you, she needs his support and that is all there is to it IMO.