Weighty topic

[Scooter's Mom]

I don't talk about this with most people. I do talk about it on a weight loss forum I'm a member of, and my husband and my best friend know the info I'm about to share... but this is what I've done since I was diagnosed as diabetic. I've had numerous health issues over the last decade that have caused a bunch of surgeries and medications that caused me to gain weight. I didn't ever realize how much I had gained until they told me I was diabetic in January 2011. At that point, I was up to 283 lbs. Well, without having any weight loss surgery, in the time since I've managed to lose quite a bit of weight. In fact, this morning the scale said 217.6. That is a 65.4 lb loss in just over 13 months. No it hasn't been easy, no it hasn't been fun. It's not fast, either. Yeah, I could go on a super low carb diet and lose mass amounts of weight in a short amount of time, but then I think the chances of me keeping it off would be much less. So for me, slow & steady is how I'm doing it.

For me, the only thing that got me to wake up and start losing weight was the dr telling me I was diabetic. You know, they never even said to lose weight. They just said to monitor my glucose and eat better. I've done the rest. It's something I needed to do, but until I *HAD* to and got a wake up call, I just didn't even realize it was at the point it was.

I hope your husband doesn't get to a point where he gets one of those wake up calls like I did. I hope he can get to a point where he just WANTS TO... and doesn't HAVE TO. I hope you guys find a way to make the changes you need to. It's really not an easy thing to do. We get in a sedentary lifestyle and it's hard to break the patterns... move a little more & eat a little better. Drink a little more water, and a little less soda (or none at all in my case).

Anyway, just sharing what I am doing to work on losing weight. It's a very slow process. But I feel confident that the way I'm going about it will be the right way for me to keep the weight off.

[Alysser]

I think the fact that he is in denial is the whole problem. Maybe if you suggest doing things together it'd be easier on him? Or maybe just tell him what you told us...that you know this upsets him but you are just concerned for him. That's truly extremely dangerous and I hope he finds some solution to it before something serious to make him wake up.

I agree, weight is ALWAYS a sensitive topic - especially to those who KNOW they're overweight and secretly probably feel guilty about it like your husband.

When I was 13/14/15 I used to weight 150-155 pounds which was BAD because not only did I felt fat, but I have a heart condition. My Cardiologist told me that's what I should weigh as an adult. Now down to 135-140 pounds I still feel fat and guilty sometimes..I really just want to be 120 lbs. But I've gained alot of muscle in the last year of working out and everything, I've finally started wearing bikinis, which was a big deal 'cause I never felt skinny enough for that. Not to mention I hated the scar I have from Open Heart Surgery and I still do...but hey, it's my badge of courage now. Maybe it's ugly, but I don't care anymore! Lately I have been so busy with school and work that it has gotten away from my gym time. I STILL count calories, which I've been doing since September and it helps ALOT to see what you're eating. I am not the most confident person in the world and I'll probably never be extremely happy with my weight, even if I did get to 120 lbs..

[catnapper]

The bulk of my husband's weight is emotional. He's the definition of emotional eater. After having recently eaten a meal with his father and sister, I can completely see why he ate himself happy --- his family is as dysfunctional as they come! We were talking about the weight of my neice who is 10. Sister in law is taking her to a pediatric nutritionist. SIL and I were in complete agreeance on its not a diet, but a way of life. We agreed to never make her feel guilty for eating, or that anything is wrong with her... to teach her to make healthy choices and to learn when to allow herself a treat. I shared the story of my family growing up, and how my grandmom was naturally thin, so she didn't understand how her children and grandchildren struggled. She would anylize everything I ate and compare me to skinny strangers, and I became a closet binger. I told of how I would leave after a short grandmom visit and stop at the bakery and eat 6 donuts while crying as I drove.

My father in law decided that was hoopla and started berate everything everyone had on their plate (never mind the fact that his plate mirrored everyone's) He told hubby that Omar the tent maker must be on vacation (because hubby needs new clothes). I walked out of that meal so very mad. And everyone waas soooo polite and hubby just sat there without standing up for himself or anyone else. I wanted to throw my fork at the man!

He used to call Cindy (the one who recently overdosed) Pudge McGee instead of her real name. He tells my kids to, "Stay skinny and not get fat like your dad." EVERY TIME HER SEES THEM. The girls are both size 8 and very athletic. My son is a walking match stick because he runs marathons on a weekly basis. The man is seriously mean.Yet somehow, nobody is allowed to be mean in return to his comments, nor is anyone allowed to stand up for themselves. Hubby stood up for himself about 6 months ago and the entire family told him to call and appologise - it took 3 months for hubby to finally get the family to forgive him for standing up for himself!

So, as you see, me mentioning weight is taboo. He knows I'm talking, but really hears his dad.

He is working hard on losing weight. At least in his mind, its hard. I am convinced he's in denial about what he eats. He does keep a food journal and thats helped a lot. But he underestimates how much fat/calories he's consumed in a single meal. So yes, you could say, "all I had was a hamburger." But was it a single hamburger or one of those Red Robin type burgers loaded with junk? The same could be said for salad. Just because you ate chicken on a bed of lettuce doesn't necessarily mean it was healthy once you add a cup of dressing, a ton of cheese, croutons, etc. But I know from my own experience I can not measure what he eats or tell him not to. I have put my foot down regarding soda. I found his stash of empty Coke bottles the other day. I made a joke of it, but I did remind him that its the one thing he promised the doctor he'd cut out.

He is also getting all the testing done to have gastic bypass type surgery. It'll be sometime during the summer (hopefully) but htey won't do it if he can not demonstrate that he has the ability to lose weight on his own. Then he also needs to lose weight so that he will be able to safely undergo surgery. The odd thing is, that at his weight ALL his tests come back beautifully. His sugar levels? Perfect. Cholesterol? Could be better. Heart? All channels clear.

As for walking with me? I try. He can't go more than two blocks. I take him to stores with me just to get him out and walking. He has to push the cart for support, and I can't be in the store more than 15 minutes before his back cramps up and he has to sit. I took him to the carpet store yesterday - I'm getting FREE CARPET!!! - and he could only look for ten minutes before finding a seat. I made him come to me every time I found something instead of enabling him to sit the entire time.

Whew - I wrote a book. Sorry

[Freedom]

WOW I am a bit amazed at the responses. Here you have made it clear weight is a sore spot with your husband, and everyone is suggesting how YOU can get him to start losing. NO WAY JOSE!

You can only change you and set the example. He has to want to change. I don't know what type of therapy both of you are in (and no I don't want to know). Hubby needs to decide for himself he has a problem and has to address it. At his weight, a good first step for him, when he is ready, is a therapist who works with this sort of issue; there is an underlying cause making him have such low self esteem, and having to console himself with food. Once he works on that the weight becomes secondary and will slowly SLOWLY come off.

I am currently over weight. Two years back at my annual physical my doctor told me I needed to address this and offered an appt with a nutritionist. I clearly remember telling her, "I know this is a problem, but I'm just not ready to deal with it." Last Fall, for reasons I can't even explain, I was ready. No I didn't go to the nutritionist; I've started exercising, and lost 13 pounds. Not earth shattering, but I'm on the way.

I say this to explain that I do have some idea what I'm talking about; and it is only going to further stress your marital relationship for you to constantly bring it up, suggest things for him to do and such. He is not ready. YOU can do things, YOU can try things, YOU can explore this option or that, all FOR YOU. But now, I think he knows quite well that his weight worries you.

Good for you to be working on your issue and making progress. Keep it up!

[Randi]

I'm certainly not an expert on weight loss, but I think that eating a good healthy breakfast would be a good way of starting to lose weight. How about making porridge with half milk half water, every morning - put a bit of dried fruit in, like cranberries, that will make it a little more interesting. Also, rye bread is a good start of the day - with a slice of cheddar (perhaps you can even bake your own). Home baked rye bread is delicious, I swear! These foods are filling and you simply won't get the urge to eat, until lunch!

I have a cousin who was married to an extremely overweight man, he know he had a problem, but just wouldn't stop eating junk food. She woke up one morning and found him dead next to her. I hope it won't happen to you!

Good luck!

Btw, have you watched any of Jamie Olivers TV shows?

[pomtzu]

It all boils down to one thing with your hubby - he has to want to do this - and stashing Cokes doesn't look like he's all too serious about it at this stage of the game. But he's a grown man, and you can't regulate what he consumes, like you can with a child. No amount of begging, pleading, reasoning, threatening, nagging or insulting (as his father does - so cruel and counterproductive!) is going to get thru to him, and probably makes him even less receptive to what he knows he should do. I suppose the only thing you can do is try to be supportive, and hope that light goes on in his head, sooner than later. I'd certainly avoid his toxic family environment like the plague too. If he can't (or won't) lose the weight, then he can't even have the surgery, so it's a vicious circle that he's running. Just out of curiosity and if you want to answer (tho don't feel obligated), is there a reason why he would be having gastric bypass rather than lap band?

And as for you, Catnapper, continue with your own quest to lose weight. I Know it's not an easy road since I have been there - I wasn't always slim. Keep eating healthy and keep moving, and I hope you reach your goal. Just maybe it will inspire hubby somewhat too.

[Catty1]

It's like living with an active alcoholic - they are killing themselves, yet they are the only one that can decide to recover.

I spent about a dozen years in Overeaters Anonymous. You might want to look it up and show hubby the 10 questions or however many there are. Your hubby is as puzzled and hurt as anyone as to why he can't stop. You might look for a therapist that deals with Adult Children issues, since he grew up in an dysfunctional home, or look up a group in your area.

It is what's eating him, not what he's eating. The food is only a symptom.

HUGS and best of luck to your hubby!

[Scooter's Mom]

I am sorry my reply didn't seem supportive. I did not intend to tell you how to make him lose weight. I just shared that with me, nothing worked until I had to and I was ready. Grant may be the same way. Again, sorry if I sounded preachy.

[carole]

I do believe a person will only loose weight when they are ready to do it, you can't make them,and it is a very hard thing to do, as we have to eat and food is always around us.
My friend just had a fairly new procedure, the gastric sleeve, you may want to look in to that, it is supposed to be safer and better than a bypass, so far she is doing well, i cannot wait to see her ,by the time i do, i bet i won't recognise her.

You really do have my utmost understanding and empathy and i wish you both well in your efforts.

[Cataholic]

Catnapper- You have helped to motivate me. I hope you will find some comfort in knowing YOUR ability/desire to talk about this 'out loud', has motivated at least one person to do something.

Cataholic

[Medusa]

I think that starting out w/walking every day, trying to go a little farther each day, will make you both feel better and doing it together even more so. Years ago I taught exercise classes to morbidly obese men and women, mainly women, though. The heaviest that I can recall is a woman who weighed 444 lbs. and a man who weighed 500 lbs. They both took my exercise classes. I started them out slowly and they gradually built up strength until they were able to keep up and eventually they were doing the entire class w/the others. And, believe me, I worked them hard. After a couple of years, I left teaching the class and I bumped into one of my students in a local mall. She actually broke down and cried b/c she said no one was able to get her in shape like I did. She said that she hated me during the class but after she went home and took a bath and then measured herself at the end of the week, she loved me. Your husband can definitely start walking and he can do some leg and arm and waist exercises while sitting, too. It can be done but I think the key is that you both should walk and work out together. Good luck. I know you can do it. Keep the faythe.

Btw, the reason I told you this story is not to blow my own horn but to let you know that after a slow start these people worked out religiously and were able to get the weight off. As I said, I worked them hard and they worked me just as hard. It was good for all of us. So don't let your husband tell you that he can't do it. He absolutely can. The key is finding someone qualified to work w/him and the two of you working together.

One more thing: if he decides to have lap band surgery, his doctor will insist that he take off some weight before surgery and after surgery he will want your husband to exercise daily. There's no way to get around it; he must exercise.

[catnapper]

What a crazy few days.... did you all know I work with a bunch of children posing as adults?

I went to hubby's thearpist with him yesterday (we see a joint therapist and he sees one on his own - I swear by therapy for anyone who has tension or stress --- which is EVERYONE ) Anyway, I learned a few things, like he's keeping a food journal (which I knew) but its waaaayyyyy different than I thought it was. He enters every single thing that goes into his mouth. He cooks an egg with a pat of butter? He enters what size egg, and how much butter, and whether it was salted or unsalted butter. Its an amazing site and I joinded it last night. We went the movies with Cam tonight so I forgot about my diet with a Slushie and salted and buttered movie popcorn. I entered it into the website and it showed me how much fat, carbs, etc I ate today.

Anyway, he lost 3 pounds in two weeks. I do think he is trying, but I think its only a half hearted attempt. I think he is counting on the surgery to be his salvation. I just wish we could talk about weight without him reacting emotionally.

[Catty1]

3 lbs is a great start.

Suggestion: The next time you two see the therapist, ask about dealing with the dysfunctional family Grant grew up in. I know when overeating really began in childhood and teen-hood, food was the only thing I could control. But it wound up controlling me.

[Digi]

I know what its like to gain weight and not be able to control it. It bothers me daily and im bitter about it.

Ive had a few people go on about my weight and how i can loose weight. I try not to snap or be rude but it just comes out with anger.

Its not my fault i was in a car accident and it buggered up my back(idiot wasnt paying attention and slammed into my stopped car at hwy speeds). I was very active before the accident and was a healthy chubby person.

Grocery shopping is a chore and i cant walk the dogs further then the back yard.

When i do too much i wont notice it then. Ill notice it when i try to get up from a chair. By try i mean greatly struggle. If i lay down in bed to read and try to get up, nothing happens. Im trapped and become very scared as my mid section is paralyzed.

I hate being a fat blob. I want to go for hikes, camping, swimming, but im scared to do any of them in fear of getting paralyzed with no one near by or in the water.

I make 80% of my meals and i eat about 1500cal/day. 2000 is too much for my size, and i rarely to never ate that much. Always somewhere between 1000-1500. Im naturally high energy. So you can imagen how crazy a puppy gets when they are on restricted movement for a few months. Try doing that to a puppy for years and see how they act.

My partner is very good to me. When i get stuck he always rushes in to help me get up or will lay with me if my back is completely paralyzed to the point i cant support myself. My legs always work, but if my back is totally gone they just cannot support any weight. Very flustering.

We are planning to buy an excercise bike next month in hopes i can use that with little issues, as it wont involve my back much. Also with it being in the house, its less scary to get stuck somewhere.

I need to loose weight as mh blood pressure is getting too high. It doesnt need medical attention yet, and i want to keep it that way.

In a way i understand your hubbies frustration.

[redbird]

I feel you, believe me. I have been overweight since my early 30's and am now the heaviest I've ever been in my 60's. I am a life time Weight Watcher and have lost lots of weight with them and also was on Jenny Craig twice but the weight just keeps coming back...with my help of course My family doesn't bring up my weight anymore, I guess they just gave up. If I complain about how hard it is to walk at times, then my sister will say it's probably my weight and she is right. I love to eat when and what I like and I know that's not a good way to live. I don't see any change for me tho in the future, I just hate to diet.