Brand new JOKES Thread!

[GreyhoundGirl]

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

[DrKym]

Rofl GGirl! and yes karlyb I love that one too! every time i get it in email I giggle!

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

great jokes everybody!! the one about showering like a woman and man had me laughing so hard!!

[GreyhoundGirl]

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

~~~~

( Sorta a strange one)

~~~~

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

~~~~

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

[xcolbi]

In this joke you sort of have to know the titles of a couple Britney Spears songs, but it's still funny if you don't know.


One day, Britney Spears walks into a bar. She orders a drink and sits down at a table. Suddenly, she farts.

Bartender: Who farted?!
Britney: Oops, I did it again!

The next day, Britney walks into the same bar. She orders a drink and sits down at a table. She farts again.

Bartender: Who farted?!?!
Britney: Stronger than yesterday!

[cassiesmom]

I've never heard the Purina Diet joke before! Have you ever tried to laugh silently? I almost blew up! Our office is totally pet-friendly (7 dogs, 12 cats, a bunny, two cockatiels, and one person has just the neatest aquarium and I'm not sure how many fish he has now!) so I will see that this gets around.

[beeniesmom]

I just got this in an email:

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.
Their insight may surprise you.
While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses...
until they stop running.

2. Strike while the...
bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before...
Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of...
termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but...
How?

6. Don't bite the hand that...
looks dirty.

7. No news is...
impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a...
Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new...
Math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...
stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust...
Me.

12. The pen is mightier than the...
pigs.

13. An idle mind is...
the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's...
pollution.

15. Happy the bride who...
gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is...
not much.

17. Two's company, three's...
the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what...
you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...
You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as...
Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not...
spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed...
get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you...
see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind...
get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand...
is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than...
Pregnant.

[Randi]

Qantas is the Australian airline. After every flight, pilots complete a bug report to the mechanics to make visible the problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems that Qantas pilots have filed, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers...

[cassiesmom]

What did the garbanzo say to the chickpea when he had a fever?
I falafel.