I don't really think the facts are that important - but rather how I and others are responding and dealing with the outcome but I will share the *nutshell* version. I come from a strict military family and grew up in a state of constant fear in a home I can only recall as being a battlefield/warzone because I have so few memories of it - mostly conveniently forgotten I suppose. At an age I do not recall, but it was very young - perhaps 3-4, I was sexually assaulted/abused by someone in a uniform, a professional I believe - while I was hospitalized. I was often hospitalized. My parents either did not believe me, did not understand what I tried to tell them, or were fearful of rocking the boat, etc. Life in the military was strict in the 50's.

As an adult I went for counseling to my pastor for an unknown nagging depression and anxiety. After a 12 year close counseling relationship in which I trusted and looked to him as a father, he sexually assaulted/exploited/abused me. Another abuse by a professional - thus reliving the same betrayal of trust I had hidden away for so many years and now - the ptsd. It happened in 1999 and I was an adult! I buried the secret of the abuse for over a year but I disintegrated. Unless it has hit home, it is hard to understand how it can happen but it does. It did to me. I am like one of the statistics you hear about in the news with the Catholic Church and so many others. Some say those people are lying or exagerating - I can say we are finally finding the bravery to find our voice that has been stunned and shamed into silence.

Things like 9/11, the war against terrorism, the daily news - these things are very triggering for anyone with ptsd - as well as depression and I would imagine a variety of illnesses. It is so very scary to not feel safe, to feel that fear rising - for a real reason of course but exagerated greatly from the ptsd and the symptoms caused by the disorder. Too many days of sleeplessness and withdrawal that might be normal in one situation - could possibly lead to another major depressive episode (MDE) and so I am vigilant and watchful!

But, I also have a life! This weekend, I watched all three Lord of the Rings movies I had never done this before because I thought they were silly but I have suddenly become a fan. I studied up all the characters and now have Middle Earth on my desktop I enjoyed watching the kitties lounging on the patio, took pictures and posted to Cat General and spent hours admiring the other kitties there and posting - I am addicted and *know* most of the regulars and their kitties like my own!! Yesterday I went to a senior's home to work on her computer and give her a few lessons. Hubby and I do "consulting" for seniors only and for donations only. He does the hardware and I do the software and teaching. This job I was paid with an old set of dishes Maybe a boring weird life by another's standards but it is mine! I wrote numerous e-mails and posts to Internet friends - mostly PT people I have never met but whom I certainly consider genuine friends! One I am concerned about in the mid-east and another who has other worries. I love to encourage where I am able! I am also politically motivated and write numerous letters about things I am concerned about and badger my lawmakers about laws I want changed.

See? I am a REGULAR person. .