Mary, looks like you and I are in pretty much the same boat! My dad is 71 years old, has been through several heart attacks, a quadruple bypass, a balloon angioplasty, both legs being amputated below the knee due to diabetes, and also had another body part amputated because of a gangrenous infection (can't mention the body part on a family site, really, but it's a very important male part). He's been through so much, but is still a chipper, positive, active guy - he's a dixieland musician, so he still plays a few jobs here and there, he can drive a car with hand controls, etc. He lives alone in Southern California, with none of us living near him, but he does great.

MOM, on the other hand - oy, where do I start? She's 67 years old, has had 2 mild heart attacks but is STILL SMOKING , and has been bipolar (manic depressive) for most of her life. (That's pretty much why my parents divorced 30 years ago.) Her depression made it difficult for her to work anymore (she's a registered nurse), so she went on Social Security Disability about 10 years ago. It's barely enough to live on, and until recently she did not have any good prescription coverage for her plethora of psychiatric (expensive) meds. She was living in a horrible part of Milwaukee, but I couldn't afford to help her with too many expenses. I would give her whatever overtime money I made at Christmas time, and try to help her out with little stuff. Then, when my husband's parents passed away, we inherited an IRA that we decided to use to pay for my mom's rent in a much nicer apartment in a much nicer suburb. I found an apartment that would allow her cats for an extra amount per month, with a private laundry room, attached garage, and every type of store she would need within 3 or 4 blocks. We paid for all the moving costs, including a debris hauler to come and clear out the 10 years of accumulated JUNK and NEWSPAPERS in her old apartment, since her depression causes her to stockpile everything. (They literally parked a dumpster under her living room window and just started tossing stuff out there.) So now we pay her rent, and she pays her utilities and everything else. We also pay for her prescription co-payments, and any meds that aren't covered. We gave her a bunch of furniture, dishes, silverware, TV's, etc. from my in-laws that we didn't need, so her new apartment is completely furnished. But, surprise, surprise........she's still unhappy. (And the newspapers are starting to stack up in this new apartment too........)

I not only get the guilt trip when I don't call often enough, but one time I forgot to return 2 of her phone calls, and she went completely off on us, and even called the county Elder Abuse hotline to report us for abuse ! She left a phone message completely berating my husband, saying he didn't tell me about her other messages ON PURPOSE, he wouldn't have treated his own parents that way, blah blah. (This after they're both dead and we're using their money to support her......) I totally blew my stack, and reminded her that I have a full-time job, a family of my own, and more things to worry about than when I called her last. (I also DREAD talking to her, so I try to avoid it whenever I can.) She apologized, and we never were contacted by the county, so I guess they didn't see it as an abusive situation . She is in excellent physical health, other than the smoking, but still needs me to drive her places because it's too "exhausting" and "stressful" to drive (yet she insisted I find her an apartment with an attached garage - very difficult in this neck of the woods, too); complains about the high cost of electric heating in this new apartment even though she leaves the sliding patio door open year round so her cats can roam freely (which they are not allowed to do in that apartment complex - I told her I'm not helping her if she gets evicted) and asked me to help pay her heating bills; and tells me EVERY TIME I talk to her, in the first 2 minutes of conversation, that this is the day she's going to die, she really will be dead soon, she's so tired, etc. Every conversation is just a litany of complaints, and it just gets so frustrating. However, I can't commiserate and tell her about my problems and stresses, because then she gets completely overwrought and worried about ME, and says I should quit my job and evict her from her apartment, she'll be dead soon anyway, blah, blah, blah, and just about starts crying, so now I have to always pretend everything is GREAT when I talk to her. I can't imply that anything she does causes me stress, even though EVERYTHING she does causes me stress.

The greatest worry I have now is that the IRA we inherited is really dwindling fast with the stock market in such a bad state - I only have about 3 years of rent money left, and then I don't know what to do with her. My 2 sisters don't contribute a PENNY for her care, (which is another story altogether), so I have to start making plans. I had such a hard time convincing my mom to get out of her old apartment, even though she had begged me to get her out of there, because the "stress" of relocating was just too much for her (even though she did absolutely NOTHING - no packing, no lifting, just sat there and watched the movers). The idea of telling her that she may need to move AGAIN is what I'm totally dreading.

Wow, sorry for the long post - but I needed to vent!