Been a while but I need opinions

[catnapper]

Karen,
Geesh, its 3AM and I'm wide awake with grief over this.

He and I have been seeing therapist over the years. He has a great set of therapists right now at the VA hospital. They say we're such a strong team that I'm not "Allowed" at his visits more than once every 6 visits - that he needs to continue working on his own. It sounds odd, but it makes sense in context: We're STRONG as a couple and a team. We're both on the same page of everything that matters (Stupid things like where to eat dinner don't count )

We've suggested the kids join us over the years. Once even got Ashley there (with a bit of bribery of our own) and she clammed up and didn't say anything and refused to ever return. She needs therapy on her own desperately. Heather thinks therapy is a joke and staunchly refuses to go. We've invited her many times, and suggested couple's counseling for her and her husband. He (her husband) thinks therapy is hooey too, so we're out of options there. and Tony? the closest way I got him to go to a therapist meeting was the time I had him drive me there to meet Grant at the VA hospital, and I swear there were skid marks on the street (one because he's a terrible driver and another because he was relieved to have me out of his car!)

God, I'd love to throw a family intervention - but how on earth to get them all in the same place at once? How to KEEP them there without storming out? Because I can see at least one or two storming out.



I never thought about the babysitting in the light of daycares making parents bring the kids. How simple! Why do I overthink things like that? Gos, how many times have I said that they're not hurting us - they're hurting the kids. Cameron's said so many sad and desperate things to me. Unsurprisingly, she's a selfish mom who makes her son fill the role her dad did: do what I want, when I want, and how I want or endure my wrath.

Oh, he has 2 therapy meetings a month - the most he's been able to schedule within the VA. I just got new insurance and therapy is murderously expensive: $100 a session that goes towards my $3000 deductible I think I'd be better off paying outright. Even though finances are much better, its still hard to swallow $100 a session, especially seeing I'll most likely never meet my deductible. I PRAY I'll never see me meet the deductible - that would mean I got seriously sick.

[Freedom]

My first thought was same as Karen's. Time for you and hubs to get some talk therapy. OK so hubs it getting some, now you need to do so also.

Your insurance doesn't have a copay? You have to pay the entire $100 per session, until you meet the deductible? That is unusual, IMO. Please investigate this further.

[catnapper]

Yes, that is the way my new insurance works. I was shocked in the doctor's office when they told me, I was shocked when I called insurance to confirm. I was shocked when I called HR to re-confirm.

I actually enjoy therapy. It centers me. I don't need to go often anymore, just once in a while to get me back on track when I feel life is getting out of control. Like, maybe now so I tag along as often as I'm allowed to hubby's sessions. Even those help center me.


I honestly can not remember a time when hubby and I have been happier and more in sync. We have a lot of stress going on but still perfect with him. I'm lucky

[Catty1]

From what you say, therapy is working for you and Grant. This is fantastic, especially in the strides he has made!

As some wise person once said, "You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to."

If the kids won't cooperate, keep on doing the therapy and getting better. I know this next suggestion will be very hard to do, but do no contact for a little while. If one of the kids happens to call - or you might call each of them and leave this message - something along the lines of "We are going to a therapist right now and there's no point you and I talking unless we do it with a therapist."

HUGS. I am just glad the two of you are doing better.

BTW: Exercise DOES help depression, don't know about anxiety.

[katladyd]

You and your hubby are fine. It's your CHILDREN who need therapy! How ungrateful can they be? Just keep doin' what you're doin' and let the kids sleep in the messy bed they have made for themselves and their children. You might call them and offer to see the grandkids (leaving them out of it). On Christmas give the grandkids amazing presents and give the parents a card. They will get the message, believe me. You are not doormats anymore and if they want positive things from you, they will have to respect you first.

[Catty1]

You and your hubby are fine. It's your CHILDREN who need therapy! How ungrateful can they be? Just keep doin' what you're doin' and let the kids sleep in the messy bed they have made for themselves and their children. You might call them and offer to see the grandkids (leaving them out of it). On Christmas give the grandkids amazing presents and give the parents a card. They will get the message, believe me. You are not doormats anymore and if they want positive things from you, they will have to respect you first.

What she said!

[catnapper]

You and your hubby are fine. It's your CHILDREN who need therapy! How ungrateful can they be? Just keep doin' what you're doin' and let the kids sleep in the messy bed they have made for themselves and their children. You might call them and offer to see the grandkids (leaving them out of it). On Christmas give the grandkids amazing presents and give the parents a card. They will get the message, believe me. You are not doormats anymore and if they want positive things from you, they will have to respect you first.

Thank you.

Though I had to laugh over the Christmas gift thing. I bought the kids great gifts this year: each got between $500-$1000 worth of limited edition artwork that THEY picked out. (Oh goodness, I never paid that much!)

Ashley and Tony never picked theirs up. I'm redoing the spare bedroom, so its getting the picture that was destined for Ashley (REALLY cool custom artwork of black branches arranged on handmade rice paper. My one coworker constantly tells me that if I don't find a place for it, that she could find a place in her home

Tony's artwork will go in the dining room once I redo that. I have to redo both rooms because we had a major freak hail storm that did $40,000 (yes, forty thousand) worth of damage to the house, put a hole in the roof where I could see daylight through the ceiling and the bedroom flooded through to the dining room. I currently have a patch on the roof that leaks with every new rain, no ceiling in either room and bowed walls from the drywall/plaster expanding with moisture. Its lovely and Callie keeps tinkling in the bedroom, which, since we have nothing on the floors, and no ceiling, pours right through to the dining room - she never did that until tony moved out (one week before the storm). Insurance has been decent, and are giving us nearly $32,000 to do the repairs. Right now hubby is rebuilding the shed, which is saving us a lot of the missing insurance money - between what they gave us, and us doing a huge amount of the manual labor, we'll break even without owing anybody anything. But I digress....

Heather got hers and asked me to hang them. The day I showed up, her Mother-in-law and sister-in-law looked at me with daggers and said "He will not want you to hang those - he wants to do it!" (Heather wasn't home and her hubby was upstairs during the interaction). So I got back in the car and headed home. When she found out what they said she was furious. All I could do was shrug - at least hubby and I enjoyed a nice lunch at a restaurant by her home we never get to visit.

So, lets just say, they will not be getting any gifts from us in the foreseeable future. I, however, get to enjoy my gifts.

[Karen]

Oh, another thought - do start a little journal for each of the grandkids that you just keep around to write down stories you want them to know someday, family memories, etc. Even if you just mail it to them when they turn 21, I bet they will be fascinated!