"Helicopter" parenting

[Cataholic]

I absolutely DO consider myself an overly involved parent. And, my child will reap the benefits of that.

I will give my child every single advantage that I can. And, if you decide to NOT do that for your child, that is OK. But, it is an incredibly competitive world out there. In sports, school, employment, etc. To pretend otherwise is done so at your child's peril. The choices are to join the world as it currently exists, or bemoan the point, and stay stuck in the 1980s (my best guess as to when you might have graduated high school).

If EVERY (or most) kid's science projects are done at daddy's workshop, and they score high, and your kid doesn't- you have a choice there. I know what MY choice would be. Just like in sports. If I *stink* at basketball (and I do), and I want my child to play BB at a higher level, I can continue to work with him and hinder his ability to succeed, OR, I can get him with the right people and have him excel. To suggest I let him flounder, because some other person might call me a HP is simply inane. I care about one thing- MY child's success. If Johnny next door has a parent that wants the school of hard knocks to teach him? Great. Better opportunity for my child to succeed.

I force my child to brush his teeth, to get physical exercise, I pick out his clothes if I deem him dressed inappropriately. I tell him when to go to sleep, to read more, to do math facts, etc. I don't believe in just halting these things, and as life gets MORE difficult, with MORE important decisions, choices, I absolutely will be there.

[Karen]

Actually, Cataholic, this conversation brings to mind a former coworker of mine I haven't seen in many years. She was such an overly involved parent in her daughter's life that, when that daughter was a mother of three young children herself, and her house was on fire, she called her mother before she called 911 or the fire department! When I heard her mother fairly shouting, "Wendy, hang up with me and call 9-1-1!" more than once, I knew that was a bad sign!* I am sure you are raising Jonah to call 9-1-1 in an actual emergency!

*Thankfully, the fire was just in the top floor, and the children were not injured apart from some smoke inhalation, my coworker called 9-1-1 herself after she hung up with her daughter, just in case!

[mrspunkysmom]

Actually, Cataholic, this conversation brings to mind a former coworker of mine I haven't seen in many years. She was such an overly involved parent in her daughter's life that, when that daughter was a mother of three young children herself, and her house was on fire, she called her mother before she called 911 or the fire department! When I heard her mother fairly shouting, "Wendy, hang up with me and call 9-1-1!" more than once, I knew that was a bad sign!* I am sure you are raising Jonah to call 9-1-1 in an actual emergency!

*Thankfully, the fire was just in the top floor, and the children were not injured apart from some smoke inhalation, my coworker called 9-1-1 herself after she hung up with her daughter, just in case!

This is my concern. If the parents are overly involved, Helping or placing too many restrictions, you get one of two scenarios. The one above where the child remains dependent on the parent or a rebellious child. Neither is good.

I have students in my classroom that can only behave when you re super strict or even mean. They don't know how to manage their own behavior and make decisions. If they are not forced to follow some explicitly stated rules, they run amok.

No one has taught them how to manage their actions or make decision based upon the environment.

That mother was overdoing it a bit.

just my two cents.

[Pembroke_Corgi]

I think there are a lot of ways to successfully parent, and no one way is right for everybody. I know how competitive it is in schools today (I work in the education field) - BUT, I also think children need to be given the freedom to fail sometimes. I think that learning from mistakes is an important way to build true self-esteem. I think sometimes that all of the pressure on kids and parents to have an edge or be the best makes this impossible, which is a shame.

The most extreme example I saw of this was at an open house for my PhD program. Doctorate and master's students were at the college to find out more about the programs they had entered. A student who was entering a master's program had her mother with her, and her mom was interviewing the faculty while the student sat silently. She was probably only 22, but as a college graduate I would hope she had the skills to do this without her mother's help...

[sparks19]

We homeschool so no one needs to be threatened about their kids science fair projects lol.

We are all about looking it up... That's practically the homeschool motto. Don't know the answer to something? Well, why don't we do some research.

However, I will not leave Hannah (who is only turning 6 so that's a factor) to get frustrated and discouraged in her education in the name of "suck it up and do it yourself". I remember what school was like for me and I genuinely struggled with different subjects and needed someone to really sit down with me and isolate the issues I was having and help me work through them. I don't ever want to ignore a genuine need for the sake of "learning a lesson".

If that makes me a helicopter parent or if someone else disagrees with my tactics... So what. I am confident in our choices and I don't need validation from other parents. Hannah is a very well rounded child. She is very bright, sociable, and happy. Also, I want to instill self respect over "self esteem".

I don't want her to believe that she's going to be great at everything she ever tries... Because that's a lie. I want her to be able to accept the things she is not so great at without it crushing her. The "you can be great at anything" mentality is why we have weeks of American Idol audition episodes filled with nonsense and people who can't handle rejection.

But I am absolutely going to be there for her and help her

[Karen]

We homeschool so no one needs to be threatened about their kids science fair projects lol.

We are all about looking it up... That's practically the homeschool motto. Don't know the answer to something? Well, why don't we do some research.

That's good! Now, Hannah has the benefit of modern technology, and "looking it up" will not require wresting the unabridged dictionary from its hiding place, which always required two hands - and still would! Computers have made dictionaries available with no straining involved! It's a happy thing!

[Lady's Human]

We homeschool so no one needs to be threatened about their kids science fair projects lol.

The science fair project is an example, a symptom of the disease, if you will. The behavior goes across the spectrum, though. My child isn't going to fail at anything, so I'm going to help him/her with everything.....to the point that they can't do anything by themselves.

[snakemama]

I DO the hiring at my store, and no WAY would I hire someone whose mom came in and talked them up like that. I HAVE hired a few kids whose parent came by to shop and said something like "Are you hiring? My son knows horses and he needs something part-time!"

In the situation Karen described, if I were on the receiving end of that I would be thinking to myself that if the girl couldn't come chat with me about her own qualifications and skills, what CAN she do on her own? I want employees who don't have to be micromanaged and can get stuff done without me guiding them every step of the way. I do NOT want employees who have always had help with everything and therefore can't do anything without guidance.

I have one of those right now. I feel like a preschool teacher because I'm CONSTANTLY having to come up with projects and things for this employee to do. The rest of them can generally figure out what needs doing and only need occasional input from me. THEY get raises, paid holidays, health and dental insurance, and vacation hours. The one who needs constant guidance? I just keep cutting hours....

[Lady's Human]

We homeschool so no one needs to be threatened about their kids science fair projects lol.

BTW, threatened? Hardly.

[Lady's Human]

If EVERY (or most) kid's science projects are done at daddy's workshop, and they score high, and your kid doesn't- you have a choice there. I know what MY choice would be.

My choice is to go to the school board meetings and get the schools to clamp down on projects done out of a can or with parents blatantly doing most of the work.

My son's science project this year is entirely his idea, he's going to do the work, I'm contributing 1 gauge and some time to the effort.

My daughter's science project will involve communication with Osearch to answer question she has for them about their work tracking great whites.

Their grades aren't important to me, as the science fair is extra credit, and frankly, neither child needs the extra credit.

The day I do the bulk of the work for them is the day satan skis. However, you can look around the science fair and easily pick out which projects were the result of the child doing the work and which was the result of the parents.

They are both well in advance of their grade levels on science and math, and they have gotten their mainly on their own. I've assisted, and directed their studying, but I will never give them an answer. They have the tools, they can find the answers themselves.

[Karen]

They have the tools, they can find the answers themselves.

Reading this sentence (and because LH is my brother for those who don't know that) I am suddenly hearing a chorus in my head of "Look it up!"

If any one of us asked "what does xxxxx (fill in word or phrase of your choice) mean?" We'd hear "Look it up!!" from Ma, Pa, older siblings, any grandparents in attendance - there were good unabridged dictionaries on both floor of the house, and we were expected to use them!