I can empathize. Years ago, I took in a neutered male, obviously quite old. I don't remember how long he was with me, but he'd obviously been someone's pet - even the vacuum cleaner didn't bother him! When he became ill, I drove him to the vet. Since he'd already been abandoned at least once in his life, I promised him that I'd bring him home; he wasn't going to be abandoned again! The vet diagnosed FeLV and offered to send him on to the Bridge right then - but I'd promised him I'd bring him home, so home we came. That night, the next - I don't remember - I was fairly certain his time was coming; I made him comfortable in a large carrier and put it beneath an end table. I left a night light on so he wouldn't be in the dark. The next morning, he was gone, but his body was kind of stretched out, as though he might have had a seizure. I felt the same guilt you feel, but that pain was mine - and is yours. "Mr Bojangles" was happy - and Salem is so very happy, too - gloriously alive, perfectly healthy,and blissfully, supremely happy. She holds you no grudge, so why punish yourself? She left on HER terms, not on anyone else's; don't we all wish that for ourselves? Cry and cry and cry - it helps to wash out the pain, but know that your beloved Salem is living in Love, and waiting - ever so happily! - for you. May Salem's Creator bless you with peace.