opinions wanted family issue

[caseysmom]

Forgot to add that since the twins were born we are trrying to be careful to give my nephew enough attention because of course the twins
are getting tons...hence the birthday cake candle...

[Cataholic]

Firstly, there is NOTHING wrong with putting a candle in a cake and singing Happy Birthday to a 3 year old, even when it isn't his birthday. Trust me, they grow up fast enough and realize the world 'isn't all about them'. Is this the 3 year old in the same family as the twins? If so, I would go out of my way to make sure he realizes how special and loved he is. Of course, even not, he should still be shown how special and loved he is.

If someone comes to my house and insults my guests, I would say something. But, your sister should also stick up for her own child, too. No need to have a war, but maybe, "seems you have forgotten what it is like to be 3, we haven't. Please back off" or something to that effect.

Oh, the horrors of a child sticking his finger in a birthday cake! I can only presume your BIL never, ever eats out in a restaurant. Talk about dirty/germy.

[pomtzu]

Well I might be in the minority, but I think this little boy needs to realize that the world doesn't revolve around him. Sorry!!! By putting that candle on the cake, your hubby was reinforcing the little boy's behavior - I won't say bad behavior - maybe more like undesirable. And the boy should have learned you don't stick your fingers in somebody else's cake - especially twice. I believe the parents are at fault tho - IF he behaves at home, then he needs to be taught that he has to behave at other people's homes too.
Of course this is just my very old fashioned opinion.

[moosmom]

Well Pomtzu, looks like you and I are BOTH old fashion, cuz I totally agree with you.

I worked with a woman who had 3 daughters. Everytime it was one of their birthdays, they ALL got a gift so the other ones wouldn't be left out. If they didn't get a gift, they threw tantrums. That is udder BS. And rewarding this kid for bad behavior is not a good thing either.

I believe it is the parent's obligation to see that their children behave both at home AND out in the REAL world. As far as the BIL is concerned, I think he has issues with kids in general. Nothing this little kid does will be okay with the BIL.

[catnapper]

If you didn't say anything at the time, you missed your opportunity. If he freaks out again, say something jokey like "thank goodness Godzilla saved half of Tokyo!" or "I guess its HIS cake now!"

My brother has the best behaved kids I know. At Easter I bought Bakery made cupcakes. His kids know they aren't allowed sweets, so when the adults were having a conversation in one room, they were in another licking the frosting off of $20 worth of cupcakes. I thought it was funny. Funny! They took a calculated risk (knew they weren't allowed sweets but weighed it against dad's reaction) and went for it. They're KIDS! At a PARTY. I was upset over the money wasted, but I was the idiot who bought gourmet cupcakes for a family gathering.... besides it was my brother's job to correct them. By the way, Cameron looked at me in shock because he knew he would never get away with something like that.... but his misbehavior is of a different variety -- he's high energy and generally embrasses us in public as strangers watch either in horror or laughing their tooshies off (people think he's much older because of how big he is. He's 5 but defintely looks 8. They tell me he should be acting his age.... yeah, have a five year old act like an eight year old and you can keep waiting three years to see it happen).

As for saying something to him or your sister. Tell your sister it hurts you. Use "I" statements (see? my time in therapy has some uses! ) and see if she can talk to him. If she disagrees, then agree to disagree and drop it. You told her how it makes you feel. Its her husband and her relationship and she can talk to him about his behavior. It will only cause animosity if you skipped over her and hent to him. I am still smarting 10 years later when my brother did that to my husband.... they were right, but they went about it all wrong.

[momcat]

Ellie and Donna, I have to agree with both of you. Apparently, BIL isn't a kid person but that's okay. Kids that age get on my nerves now, I just don't have the patience for them anymore. But at 3, this kid should have some manners and know better than to stick his hands in cake frosting.

[pomtzu]

Just one more thought................Hubby missed an opportunity to steer this little boy in the right direction. When the boy saw the cake and asked if it was his birthday, hubby should have said; "no - it's for (fill in the blank), and after the cake is cut, you will get to have a piece too." Why not nurture him to become a sharing individual?? - nothing wrong with that! The longer everyone waits to introduce him to acceptable behavior, the less likely you are to have positive results.

[Pembroke_Corgi]

I'm actually surprised that people think that, by three, kids should have the whole world figured out. Developmentally, 3 year olds ARE the center of their own universe; it's a normal stage of development and they really do not have the cognitive ability not to be so egocentric. And you know what, freaking out over a stupid cake (as a grown, fully developed adult) is WAY more childish and immature than anything the child did.

Your nephew's behavior seems perfectly normal and I think it's the brother in law that has the problem. How does your sister in law feel about the issue (the one whose child is being insulted)? I would talk to her, say you don't like the behavior and ask if it bothers her, then decide what to do.

[caseysmom]

Thanks everyone I figured I would get some vastly different opinions which is good that is the real world.

Firstly my sister is not the child's mother its my sister in law pembrook you seemed like everyone but you was confused about that, and my sil his mother
is so polite she just ignores him. My in laws do lots of disciplinje correction but he is 3 and the cake issues were about a year ago. The cake sunday was for
mothers day so it wasn't anyone elses birthday cake just to clarify.

Some of the remarks I wasn't standing right there, the one about the whole world won't revolve my daughter was there for.

Also sometimes he plays with a phone app on his moms iphone, on another day he saw the twins playing with a play phone and said at least they don't
have a phone like Ryan! I guess I don't think quickly on my feet but clearly he can't stand him. The thing is he is good with kids usually he was great with
one of my nieces he just can't stand that my nephew isn't perfect I guess.

I do tend to agree with cataholic and pembrook but I also understand the others opinions on this and do appreciate them. I have tried to give my sister
in law some tips like when he has a meltdown in a store to just leave.

[Cataholic]

I'm actually surprised that people think that, by three, kids should have the whole world figured out. Developmentally, 3 year olds ARE the center of their own universe; it's a normal stage of development and they really do not have the cognitive ability not to be so egocentric. And you know what, freaking out over a stupid cake (as a grown, fully developed adult) is WAY more childish and immature than anything the child did.

Your nephew's behavior seems perfectly normal and I think it's the brother in law that has the problem. How does your sister in law feel about the issue (the one whose child is being insulted)? I would talk to her, say you don't like the behavior and ask if it bothers her, then decide what to do.

Nail? Meet head. You are so right. I am really surprised that people think a 3 year old....which is one year away from two...my goodness, my son didn't even TALK at two, think this toddler should have it all figured out, too. Frankly, if one expects such maturity from a three year old, shouldn't the adult know ten times better? It is all about control. Some people have to have it.

Children learn what they are taught. I know how I was raised, and it surely wasn't with such disparaging comments as the ones you have mentioned Caseysmom. The child is three.

Sometimes, I think we forget what it really was like as children, and our views become somewhat tainted. I know of many well behaved children, respectful, kind, thoughtful, etc. And, of course, I know some that aren't. Just like I know some adults that should be forever in a time out chair. LOL.

Bottom line- this man is a guest in YOUR home, and he should act it. If he wants to run roughshod in his OWN home, he can (and prolly does, all alone, too).