Advice on suicidal thoughts & self-harming

[ToBeEvergreen]

First off, I'm sorry for completely disappearing from PT for so long! Life has been INSANE for a while, especially with the start of my senior year in high school. I've got loads to tell you all, but that's another thread (or five )

Also, I want to say that I do NOT self-harm. When I say it's my friend, I really do mean that it's my friend.


A few nights ago, my friend (we'll call him B) told me that he's struggling with depression. It was a little weird because we've never been super close but I was fine talking to him about it until he told me that he "just really wanted to die right now." I talked to him about it and he told me that he's bipolar and struggles with self-esteem issues.

He then told me that he has a problem with self-harming. I guess he's been cutting for almost a year now, and confided in me because he feels like our group of friends/newspaper staff is the only family he has right now. I was a little scared at this point because I think he must have been feeling really desperate to come to me out of all of our friends. Like I said, we've been friends for a couple years but we've never been really good friends.

BUT ANYWAYS. I didn't know what to do so I just started asking him why he did it, and he said that he has a really low self esteem and cuts when he feels like he's done something wrong or hasn't been good enough. I made him promise to text me the next time he felt the need to cut (at that point he hadn't in about 3 weeks) and I got a text a few hours after I fell asleep (I think you can guess what it said).

Before he told me that he cuts, he made me promise not to tell any of our friends on staff because he didn't want them to look at him differently, which I was fine with. I know there are some pretty judgmental people on staff who would NOT help him out at all. He did tell me that one of our friends, E, knows about this and has for a little while.

But I think it's gotten a lot worse for him lately. First, he started talking to me about it. He's also acting differently in class to the point that a few of the people who are closer to him noticed. He left class at one point yesterday and after I went out after him (I don't know what I thought he was gonna do but I followed him out to make sure he was okay), one of my friends came out trying to figure out what was wrong. I didn't tell her anything because he asked me not to but they all know that he's not okay. And if they notice, it worries me that it's really, really bad.

I talked to E yesterday to let her know that he had cut again and that I was ******** out (I don't know how to handle this!) and she let me know that she had told our newspaper adviser (who is more of a friend/mentor than a teacher) and I think she mentioned having talked to the counselors at school. I'm not sure exactly where she stands with the counselors. Like I said, I've only known for like 3 days and our newspaper is currently imploding on itself (we're fighting the principal about prior review/censorship right now) so we haven't had time to talk alone.

I'm just...confused. And a little scared for him. He knows that he can talk to me whenever he needs to (that first night I was up until 3am texting him) and that I'm not judging him on anything and I'm trying to be as supportive to him as I can, but I don't know what else to do. And he HAS come to me when he's feeling really low - I've started keeping my phone on me at all times and checking it during class in case he sends a text because I really don't want a repeat of that first night, where he needed help and I wasn't responding.

He texted me about 30 minutes ago saying "I just can't deal with these problems anymore." and then didn't respond for about 20 minutes when I texted back asking what was wrong. I'm not even gonna lie...I was really, really scared waiting for that text to come back because he wasn't answering... but he answered and mentioned family problems and he's going to text me when he wakes up from his nap so I guess I'm going to be finding out more about WHY he's doing what he's doing tonight.

I'm really glad that he's told me and he trusts me enough to confide and I want to help him, but I don't know how. I watched my sister unravel a few years ago but she never self-harmed and we were a lot closer so it was easier for me to comfort her.

Hi there! Don't believe we've met on here, as I am fairly new.

First off, very nice to see that you're seeking help for your friend. My advice to you will have both personal and professional views thrown in. I am part of a national group called Active Minds, and we work to raise awareness for the stigmas around mental illness (www.activeminds.org) - don't want people to have to be afraid any longer of coming forward and getting help! It's completely natural, and most people in their lifetime will go through a period of regular or serious depression. Depression is actually the common cold of mental illness, in that it is really, really common.

Problems your friend listed:
- bi-polar
- depression
- self esteem issues
-self-harming

In perspective, self-harm, suicidal tendencies and depression all go hand in hand. I can't tell from your story if he is bi-polar depressive, or if you're talking about two different problems. They can be treated with different meds, which is why it is often very important for people to seek help to see if they can find what can help them as soon as possible. I do not believe that medication should ever be the Only way. The root of the problem is key here. You do not, to my knowledge, have any sort of counseling degree? Unless you really know how to handle it, one can't exactly "treat" the problems, although you can certainly help! As you've been doing, which is very good. It is always beneficial for friends to take an active role in helping a friend with these problems. Some people are made very uncomfortable about it so they don't know how to handle it- which can cause scorn from friends and family, and a sort of, "What's wrong with you!?!" attitude.

I had a friend in high school who self-harmed, had attempted suicide in the past, had self esteem issues and was bullied. His parents tossed him from state to state, and so he had adjustment issues at his new schools, including his last one, my own.

He would put weights in his backpack, cut off his own circulation, and then suddenly he told me he'd tried cutting. I had had enough. I first encouraged him to tell multiple people. He did tell a few of our friends, but not his parents, for he feared they wouldn't understand- and not teachers. I got really worried about him, so I went to a school counselor and told her what was going on in confidence. She got his teachers involved, and helped him with class adjustment issues. Later one day, a friend sent me a message on Facebook saying he wasn't answering and they thought he had hurt himself, so we called 911 (they do wellness checks, and if the person is not okay, bring them into the hospital for help). He was out with his mom at the movies- BUT, now by default his parents knew. And they HELPED him! He was surprised, and he told us he was very grateful. I talked for many long nights with him, spent a lot of time assuring him of his talents and worth. More than a lot of people might, and finally realized I could only do so much- without the professional knowledge, it's hard to do what is absolutely best for them, and hard to know since each person may need something slightly different! Counselors at school are trained on how to respond to these situations, so understand that involving them is not a bad thing, and can be done in confidence if need be!

What do I do the next time he tells me he feels like he needs to cut?! What are alternatives/steps to help him stop/avoid cutting?

I'm afraid that I don't know a lot about cutting specifically, but you can do some research on it, and I will too if you need some help! I've got my books right here. I'm a psychology major, so I deal with this stuff a lot.

One of my/his best friends knows that something's wrong/that he's depressed but she doesn't know about the cutting. She's REALLY worried and respects that I won't tell her what's up but I know she's kind of been monitoring him with me, if that makes sense.

Perfect sense, I did the same thing with the friends who didn't know what was going on. You have to respect their privacy, but having multiple people looking out for him is only a plus!

I know that I should go to the counselors about this but I really don't want to betray his trust, y'know? And I think they already know if my friend told them...

I'm honestly at a loss right now. It's stressing me out because I'm constantly worried about him/what he's doing and I haven't been sleeping and the stress is making my migraines worse and I STILL have to worry about the fact that we might end up going to the school board to start a battle that could take YEARS to be resolved and ugh.

Take a deep breath there! Understand that this is not something that can go away without some sort of professional help. Schools can be a GREAT resource for these things. I was worried about betraying my friend's trust too. I had PROMISED him not to tell anyone, but this is one promise that is dangerous to keep. I broke it when he started cutting, because with cutting, one wrong cut and a person can bleed out. It's a situation that needs more immediate attention, and the more it goes on, the worse it will get. Acting sooner rather than later will be more beneficial for him.
As a side note, my friend was actually grateful that someone cared enough to tell someone! He was freaking out more than I was about getting help. They can't exactly think clearly, and believe me, I know how hard it is to think for them! But that's not your full job. Your job is more to coax and help them get the help they need, and to deal with stress in healthy ways. For example, exercise has been proven to have a positive effect on depression patients!

I am SO not equipped to handle this. I swear, I have this inability to connect to people's emotions and I have no idea how to comfort him or what to say (other than holy ****) when he's telling me all this.

Welp. Senior year certainly is interesting so far!

Naturally, nor am I. I just happen to know some stuff that I pray will help you out. I like to use what I know in any way that may help other people, which is why I like being in a field like Psych. You learn a lot about people.

It sounds like, with him, you've got a lot on your plate. And senior year is already very stressful!

To conclude, I want to give you some info on the National Suicide Prevention pamphlets that were handed out when I joined Active Minds. First of all, the number for them is 1-800-273-8255
Which is 1-800-273-TALK. It is for those at risk of suicide to call, or those who KNOW someone at risk. If you want, I encourage you to give them a call!

The suicide warning signs include the following common symptoms:
- Threatening to hurt or kill oneself or talking about wanting to hurt or kill oneself.
- Looking for ways to kill oneself by seeking access to firearms, available pills, or other means.
- Talking or writing about death, dying or suicide when these actions are out of the ordinary for the person.
- Feeling hopeless
- Feeling rage or uncontrolled anger or seeking revenge.

-Acting reckless or engaging in risky activities: seemingly without thinking.
- Feeling trapped: like there is no way out.
- Increasing alcohol or drug use.
- Withdrawing from friends, family or society.
- Feeling anxious, agitated, or unable to sleep or sleeping all the time.
- Experiencing dramatic mood changes.
- Seeing no reason for living or having no sense of purpose in life.

That's from there, add in lose of appetite or overeating. More males statistically go for suicide than females. If I could take a guess (and I will), it's because they do not talk about their feelings as much, due to the societal standard of them having to be Tough and Strong, and Manly. But like females, they are very much human, and have the same basic needs as we do.

By the way, I was told by my advisor, who has a doctorate in psychology, that asking someone who is suicidal if they have a plan is fine. It may be scary to do so, but it won't make them any more likely to go through with it if they have one, and once you know, you can know if you need to take IMMEDIATE action, as in call the police, who would take them to the hospital.

For now? If a few more friends are involved, have them talk to him too, so that not all of that is on your shoulders. You can't keep something like this a secret if you have his best interests at heart- you said so yourself, you've no clue how to proceed, so talking to someone who has had much more experience in this can help!