For wombat - Aussie jokes

[wombat2u2004]

I found these on another board - tell me if you've heard them before . . . . .


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)




I have more, but will dole them out a couple at a time. Don't want to overwhelm you at one sitting

The first one I've seen.
Send more.

[Grace]

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Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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[carole]

An Aussie, a Kiwi, and a South African are at a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, takes off his diamond encrusted watch, pulls out a gun shoots the watch to pieces. He says "In Seth Efrika we have so many diamonds that we don't need to wear the same diamond twice".

The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer throw his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glass that we don't need to drink out of the same cup twice".

The Australian then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi.

HERES ANOTHER ONE

An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?

The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks."

"The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock."

"Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"

The first bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."


"I'm doing this for my country"
One day there was a Maori, Aussie, Kiwi and a African man. They were on a plane. Then the pilot from up front shouted back, "We are losing height. Throw out all the luggage."
So, all the men threw out all the luggage. Then the pilot said, "We are still dropping in height!"

So the African said, "I'm doing this for my country," and then he jumped out the window.

Then the Maori said, "I'm doing this for my country," and he jumped out the window.

Then the Kiwi said, "I'm doing this for my country," and then he pushed the Aussie out the door.




2) A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag!



You might enjoy these WOM.

[Grace]

Very good, Carole. Thanks

Where are you, wom?

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...

[carole]

He is probably watching a re-run of the all blacks winning against Tonga, HE HE, just kidding WOM

[wombat2u2004]

Very good girls....hee hee. I haven't heard any of those before.
But in true Aussie fashion, I will remember them and share them amongst my friends after I have swapped around the nationalities to an Aussie advantage....hee hee.

Here's one for ya's...........

A building site in the centre of Sydney, the facade of a high rise building is being renovated.
The builder has two Kiwi labourers working with him.
The builder slips off the scaffold and falls to his death on the street below.
The police arrive and ask if there were any witnesses.
The two Kiwi labourers are interviwed..........

Policeman: "So, what exactly happened fellas?"
The two Kiwis look at each other and shrug their shoulders and reply "Not real sure officer. We were just working away, we heard a scream and the next thing ya know, the builder is laying dead on the street below."

Policeman: "Ok. So what was the builders name ??"
The two Kiwi's look at each other again, shake their heads and reply "Dunno officer. We just call him Boss"

Policeman: "Do you know where he lived ? Where his office is ??"
The two Kiwi's are still looking at each other, shrugging their shoulders and reply "Nope, sorry officer, we don't know where he's from"

Policeman: "Do you two know anything about this builder at all??"
The Kiwis reply "Nope, nothing. We don't know anything about him really. He gets here by train in the morning, so we don't know where he lives, or anything."
Policeman: "Ok ok. A big help you two are." And walks off.

All of a sudden one of the Kiwi's remembers something, and yells out to the policeman "Excuse me officer. I do know something about him."
The policeman turns around and asks "Yes ?" Removing his notebook from his pocket.

"Well," said one of the Kiwis "The builder had two a$$holes."
"What ???" Said the policeman "He had two a$$holes? How would you know that?"

"Well," said one of the Kiwis "Every day we go over to the pub at lunchtime for a counter lunch, and when we walk in, the bartender always says 'Her comes the builder with the two a$$holes'."

[Grace]

Thanks, wom

I have more for you -

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is, Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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One more batch will come later