I thank you all for the thoughts & prayers.

My heart is torn apart, my tears just keep falling. I took those kittens in back in 2006 because they would have died if I didn't. People around me are reminding me to think of the fact that Sabrina wouldn't have made it to be 4 weeks old if I hadn't taken her in and she had 4 1/2 years that she never would have had otherwise. But it doesn't make me feel any better. I feel like a failure, I feel like an awful cat owner. I've lost my confidence in myself. I will do my best by my remaining kitties that I love dearly too, but I just can't see myself ever getting another pet again after this experience.

When I take a cat in my intention is to only have to make this decision if they are old or very sick. But living your entire life in a cage with no freedom isn't much of a life. Not being able to enjoy the things a kitty should enjoy; watching birds, stretching out in a sunbeam, having room to run around when you want to, just isn't a life at all. Especially when she can hear the other kitties running around, she could remember doing all the things they were getting to do and it would make her pace and cry in that cage. It was heartbreaking to listen to, to see her wanting to be free. And as much as it's breaking my heart, she is free now. She can run all over with Dusty at the Rainbow Bridge, lay in sunbeams, and watch birds again. I stayed with her when she went to sleep, petted her, and cried while asking her to forgive me. I hope she can forgive me. I've done the best I could do for her and I tried hard for her. When my time comes, I hope she runs up to greet me in forgiveness, but I wouldn't blame her if she didn't. I picked up her ashes yesterday and I can't look at them without feeling worthless inside.

I can't type anymore through the tears right now.