What to do about a crazy inlaw?

[NicoleLJ]

This is how Dougs mom is. She will do one thing for him in a year or two and even after he pays her back 3 times over it is still held over his head. Owe Me types drive me nuts. I really don't have much advice other then for you to put up healthy boundaries and teach your children that when some one gives them a gift(unless stated as a loan, or a contract to be paid back) that they owe that person nothing. A gift is suppose to have no strings attached. Also explain to them about boundaries and Owe Me types. That no matter what they do they will never be done oweing them in that persons mind.

This is her day to be celebrated with the people who have supported her in getting to this point in life. That simple.

I can see why you would rather have the SIL out of your life. Since we changed our number and stopped going to darts(so no more contact) we finally have no more drama going on. We haven't smiled or laughed this much in a long time. I pray that you can get to the same kind of peace concerning her.

[Husky_mom]

while it´s pretty maddening.. I bet Ashley n fiancée will manage accordingly.. by NOT listening to her.. what a nutjob..

[Taz_Zoee]

My father is the type to hold things over our heads when we were growing up. I stopped that when I went out and bought a car all on my own. He was mad at me for not asking him for help. Nope, this is MY car.
He's not as bad anymore, and I think it's because we don't let him get away with it. Plus the fact that all three kids hardly ever talk to him about anything unless we absolutely have to.
Maybe if people stop letting her get away with this she will ease up?? Then again, maybe not.

[Asiel]

All I can say is this is a wedding so choose your battles wisely. Things said or done on this occasion will be remembered forever and could lead to much unhappiness for many including the bride.

IMO since this is Ashley's wedding her decisions and choices should be respected and accepted with no ill feelings. I don't think it's her fiance's place to make important decisions that concern Ashley's feeling's, she's a mature woman who can think for herself and overiding her decisions could cause discord after the honeymoon is over.
If Ashley feels she wants to invite her biological mother to her wedding I would certainly respect that wish. Maybe she's always had a yearning for her mother but pretended she didn't care because she felt rejected, after thinking it over she might have decided it would make her wedding complete to have her mother attend. It's never too late to mend bridges.

As for Cindy, what she wants to do with her money is entirely up to her. The kids are all old enough to say NO if they don't want to accept a gift or money from her. If they feel pressured into owing then they are free to refuse any gift and walk away. After all, nobody can take advantage of anyone unless you let them. Sounds like the son is more than willing to take without guilty feelings since he is making no effort to stand on his own two feet.

This is Ashley's big day , I think everyone owes it to her to see that her dream wedding doesn't dissolve into a battlefield with casualties strewn all over, stuff like that is never forgotten and can only serve to make for an unpleasant day. Remember that when you throw mud it has a way of flying back in your face.
Pettiness and ill feelings have no place at a wedding .

[pomtzu]

Hmmm - well I was going to keep my mouth shut (for a change) on this one, but I see that Asiel has the guts to speak up with an opposing opinion, so guess I will too. Maybe it's that she and I are truly among the older folks here, and have had a chance to mellow more in our old age, and view things somewhat differently than the "less senior" folks. So for what it's worth - here goes.

I don't agree with what Cindy is doing - "buying" the kids, but they are adults and should surely be able to put an end to this. They just continue to enable Cindy to do what she's doing. How difficult is it to say "no thank you"? It seems the time is long overdue for both kids to do just that.

As far as Ashley wanting to invite her mother to the wedding - she absolutely should - and yes it is the right thing to do. This is her mother, in spite of the fact that they've really had no relationship for many years. Maybe with Ashley extending the olive branch, it will open up possibilities for future contact. Then again - maybe not.

When my son and DIL were planning their wedding (2nd for both) several years ago, the same thing was an issue with DIL. Her biological parents divorced and it was decided that she and her brother would live with the father and his new wife, since mother and new husband who was in the Air Force, would be relocating rather frequently, and they all wanted "roots" for the kids. Well it seems that father's new wife was really an evil stepmother - very hateful and domineering - everything for her kids and nothing for his - and he was "kitty" whipped and just went along with whatever she said and did. My DIL absolutely despised this woman, and in turn, came to feel deep resentment toward her father. Once she finished school, she moved out on her own, just to get out of the hostile environment she had lived in for many years, and severed all ties with them.

Fast forward to the wedding plans. DIL in no way wanted her father and stepmother at the wedding - she was adamant about it. I had my own view, but said nothing. It was DIL's own mother, that after much discussion, finally convinced her to invite father and stepmother - as yes - it was the right thing to do - in spite of the hurt and hostility that DIL harbored. She finally relented and said she would invite them to the wedding, but not the reception, and again, her mother convinced her to invite them to both. So the invitation went out, and DIL fully expected that they would be a no-show. Well - they showed. Everything went well and everyone was cordial and pleasant to one another, and the whole day was enjoyable for everyone. Everyone was able to put aside their differences for a few hours, and DIL can now never perhaps regret that she left her father out of a very important day in her life, in spite of the treatment she received while growing up with them.

So did this open up avenues of reconciliation??? - unfortunately not. There was some interaction between them, but for a very short time before it all broke down again. But............DIL tried her best at her mother's urging and not sorry that she did. Stepmother didn't want her in any way to be back as part of "her" family, so that put a final end to it all. Maybe some day DIL's father will realize just how much he has lost.

So in my opinion, Ashley should not let this opportunity to perhaps reunite with her mother, pass her by.