Well, believe me, A., we all say things under stress and bad situations. I worked over 35 yrs in a stressful environment with a gazillion different personalities, said things I probably shouldn't, heard things I hated etc., but when push came to shove,we were one big family. That's how families are. It's nothing new. You can't beat yourself up. Your friend's death wouldn't have hit you so hard if you didn't care. I'm so sorry for your losses. Life sucks sometimes. But there's a reason for everything altho we may not "get it". Sincerest blessings to you. You're so sweet and sensitive and a lovely woman and I hate to see you in despair.