Thank you so much, dear friends.

I still feel so guilty today. I realized today that the reason isn't even that I let him go but that I made the decision alone. I should have called up at least a couple of the people (in Texas and New York and wherever) who encouraged me to get him in the first place and run by what was happening with THEM and see if they had any further suggestions that might keep him going for at least a little while longer..

Or that they might have seen that his condition really was this bad and to realize that what with the rolling cluster seizures even after a day of monitoring and medicating that maybe it was the right thing to let him go now.

Or I should have called CHRISTINE when I didn't get a straight answer about vet care or not for his seizures.. Although it is really hard to deal with her on the phone, she often gets hysterical and won't let you get a word or a thought in edgewise. Which is what she has been doing with her recent e-mails, she's grieving little Christofur too and not accepting her hand in the situation and lashing out in all directions.

I acted out of fear.. fear that he would come home with me and then suffer needlessly because this would happen again.

I have done that too much all my life, made big decisions out of fear, not backing off a bit and making myself consider all the aspects. You would think that by age 66 I would have figured this out, but no it's still underneath so much of my life.

I can't forgive myself for this.

I miss him so much.. today I returned the items to Pet Supplies Plus that I'd gotten for taking care of him, and it made me so sad to remind myself WHY those items are no longer needed.

I am so sorry, little Christofur. You deserved better, so much better.

Pat