Christofur

[phesina]

I'm getting heat from the people I got him from. How could I let him go so soon?

I am so very, very sorry that I did.

The woman who had him before, she would NEVER come out with any actual information as to what had been done for him..

My vet lowered his phenobarb dose because she thought we were starting out with this. Now this woman (Christine her name is; he was named Christofur for her) is saying that her vet had started his dose 4x higher because he really needed it what with all that had gone on so far. WHY hadn't she let me know any of this?

I asked her several times if he had seen a vet about the seizures and if medications or anything else had been tried and how they had worked out. She just got outraged that "I'm asking her to do even more, spend more money on him, when she's so broke, it costs so much to keep things going here.."

WHY didn't she just tell us what had actually been done with HIM.. so far, I wasn't asking her to spend more money on him.

Like I said, I was so afraid, after he went into a second round of cluster-seizures after being monitored and medicated all day.. and before he went into that round the vet had called me saying she'd noticed his eyeballs a bit swollen and wanted my permission to give him some eye med to check that out.. she was afraid he might have scratched his eyes wihile seizing.

THIS IS SOMETHING CHRISTINE HAD SAID SHE WAS AFRAID HE WOULD DO, TOO.. before I agreed to take him!!!!!

I was worried then that he might do something like that in the abstract when I wasn't home.. this was before I knew anything about CLUSTER SEIZURES and the likelihood that that kind of scratching could happen during one and the strong possibility that such seizures might happen again at any time, like when I'm not home for several hours.

I have been crying all day about him, about how much I miss him and how sweet a little guy he was (IS) and deserved better, and should I have held on a little longer to see if anyone else I knew might have some other suggestions?

I am so lonely and heartbroken. It's nice to think that he's whole and healthy and waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge, but when it really comes down to it, I don't know if I really believe that will happen.. I fear it's more that all we have is this life and if we blow it here, we have no way to make things better or right again. And this innocent little creature had to suffer so.

[lvpets2002]

Oh my Pat you needs some Bigg Huggss Right Now.. Huggss Huggss

You did the best you could.. Do Not let them beat you up over this.. Its always easier to pass the buck to the next person in charge.. His time was coming & I feel sure they knew this & that is why they got you to take him so quickly.. They wanted the heat & the monkey off of their backs.. Again may I stress you did the best you could.. This baby boy is Resting now & in Heaven & in no more pain.. I wish I could be there to Hugg You.. Huggss Huggss Pat

[Prairie Purrs]

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. Truly, I don't think you had a choice. You had your vet advising you based on Christofur's condition at the time, and the former owners were to blame for any lack of information. And really, if the only option was to keep the poor little guy heavily medicated, what kind of life would that have been?

You did your very best for a very ill kitty, and that's all that can be asked of any of us.

[katladyd]

You did nothing wrong. His quality of life was declining by the hour. So if he could have been kept alive on HIGH doses of pheno, what kind of life would that have been? You did good. I loved the little guy, even if I never met him, and I don't think keeping him strongly sedated would have been any kind of life with quality. Love is a powerful thing, and it is here to show us that it is stronger than death. Is there a Bridge? Who knows about that, but I do know there is SOMETHING after death because I have had one of my RB kitties contact me and tell me things that really did come to pass. You betcha we will see them again!

[lizbud]

Pat, (((Hugs)

Please don't beat yourself up about this. You know, the Vet knows and
we know, you did everything humanly possible to help Christofur & give him
a chance to have a comfortable life. You did your best & that is all anyone
can do.

[phesina]

Thank you for your support and encouragement, dear friends.

I just sent Christine an e-mail in response to her hysterical one for today, about all the stuff with the vet. I calmly asked, Why didn't you tell me all this about the vets when I asked you (more than once) about whether he'd seen a vet about the seizures, if medications or anything had been tried, and if so what had happened.

I suppose she'll respond with another tirade, but at least I feel a little better now.. that I did what I did based on what I knew at the time and that it was because of her that that was all I knew. I don't feel so much like a murderer now.

I talked with my vet this afternoon and told her about all this. She told me I had done absolutely the right thing, and that all the awful things I'd been afraid might happen to Christofur if I let him keep going really were at least as bad as I had feared and I saved him from those.

Thank you again, wonderful people. I am still heartbroken about dear little Christofur. He deserved much better.

Love from Pat

[Grace]

I think from this moment forward you should delete, without reading, any emails from this Christine person.

You did what you had to do for Christofur, considering the quality of his life. Do NOT let that person get in your head!

[Medusa]

I have been crying all day about him, about how much I miss him and how sweet a little guy he was (IS) and deserved better, and should I have held on a little longer to see if anyone else I knew might have some other suggestions?

I am so lonely and heartbroken. It's nice to think that he's whole and healthy and waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge, but when it really comes down to it, I don't know if I really believe that will happen.. I fear it's more that all we have is this life and if we blow it here, we have no way to make things better or right again. And this innocent little creature had to suffer so.

This really got to me, Pat, b/c it's exactly how I feel about helping Boo to the Bridge yesterday. I held on to Puddy far too long and I didn't want to make that mistake w/Boo. When Dr. Lee told me that it was difficult to maintain a normal body temperature once a cat gets so old and that I would have to figure out how to do it daily, I felt that I owed him better than to be going through treatments day after day. He slept on a heating pad for 24 hours and still his temperature never went above 97. My cat sitter is a vet tech and she told me that once a cat's temperature drops to 97 s/he's shutting down and that I only helped him to the Bridge. After a full day and night of crying I think I'm finally accepting this. I do hope that you will accept it, too. You did what you felt was right in your heart, so did I, and no one can fault us for it. We did what we did out of love and not for expediency. The person who is attacking you now has no conscience. She sees that you're in emotional pain and she adds to it. I think that Christofur was better off w/you no matter how brief a period of time. What she is doing to you is cruel and it's her own guilt that she's dealing with poorly and she's transferring it to you.

[Medusa]

Another thought: we hear "quality of life over quantity" a lot as it applies to whether or not to euthanize but when it comes right down to it and the decision is ours and ours alone to make, suddenly we're barraged w/people trying to make us feel guilty. It's evident that they don't really mean "quality of life over quantity" at all. They parrot someone else's words b/c it makes them feel wise but it's doubtful that they even have an original thought on the subject. Don't allow it, Pat. Your decision was made out of love, a decision that could only have been made based on the amount of information that you had at that time. This makes me angrier by the minute that someone would be so cruel to you. We all say that we don't judge but we do. Indeed we do.

[Randi]

Pat, I'm so sorry about Chistofur, but you did everything you could based on the information you had and I'm sure he could feel your love. It was the right decision to let him go instead of suffering more seizures.

Christofur is free of pain, may he rest in peace!

(((hugs)))

[cassiesmom]

I have been crying all day about him, about how much I miss him and how sweet a little guy he was (IS) and deserved better, and should I have held on a little longer to see if anyone else I knew might have some other suggestions?

I am so lonely and heartbroken. It's nice to think that he's whole and healthy and waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge, but when it really comes down to it, I don't know if I really believe that will happen.. I fear it's more that all we have is this life and if we blow it here, we have no way to make things better or right again. And this innocent little creature had to suffer so.

Oh, yes it will. He will be on the Bridge purring and waiting for you and all of us, One Fine Day. He was just more medically complex than you thought, based upon the information that was provided to you. Give your kitties some hugs, snuggles and lovies. I wish you peace of mind and heart, Phesina. ((((BIG HUGS))))

[phesina]

Thank you so much, dear friends.

I still feel so guilty today. I realized today that the reason isn't even that I let him go but that I made the decision alone. I should have called up at least a couple of the people (in Texas and New York and wherever) who encouraged me to get him in the first place and run by what was happening with THEM and see if they had any further suggestions that might keep him going for at least a little while longer..

Or that they might have seen that his condition really was this bad and to realize that what with the rolling cluster seizures even after a day of monitoring and medicating that maybe it was the right thing to let him go now.

Or I should have called CHRISTINE when I didn't get a straight answer about vet care or not for his seizures.. Although it is really hard to deal with her on the phone, she often gets hysterical and won't let you get a word or a thought in edgewise. Which is what she has been doing with her recent e-mails, she's grieving little Christofur too and not accepting her hand in the situation and lashing out in all directions.

I acted out of fear.. fear that he would come home with me and then suffer needlessly because this would happen again.

I have done that too much all my life, made big decisions out of fear, not backing off a bit and making myself consider all the aspects. You would think that by age 66 I would have figured this out, but no it's still underneath so much of my life.

I can't forgive myself for this.

I miss him so much.. today I returned the items to Pet Supplies Plus that I'd gotten for taking care of him, and it made me so sad to remind myself WHY those items are no longer needed.

I am so sorry, little Christofur. You deserved better, so much better.

Pat

[Medusa]

Shoulda, coulda, woulda, Pat. I still say that you made the decision out of love. Yes, you were fearful; who wouldn't be? You were dealing w/a life here! I, too, was afraid that I'd put Boo through all that again, then bring him home and find that the process didn't even last another 24 hours, just like the last one. That kind of fear is good fear, IMO. We saved them from a painful, drawn out death. Who dares to fault us for that? The fact of the matter is that you were there ALONE w/Christofur, having to make the decision ALONE. Had you called all or any of the others that you mentioned, you more than likely would've been confused and then you would've beaten yourself up for making the decision while confused. Pat, stop being so hard on yourself. Christofur is now at peace, a peace that he never, ever knew since he was born. Your decision was the supreme act of kindness to him, the last kindness that anyone could've done for him and that person was you. Miss him, sure. It would be strange if you didn't. Blame yourself, never. The heavy responsibility that you had to bear was yours alone and you handled it well.

[catmandu]

There sadly was nothing that could be done for Christofur , Pat.
Sadly some of us are predestined to have a short life , and you saved Christofur from dying in pain and fear, and let him become an Angels in a peaceful way.
I would put this Christine on spam and not let her bother you anymore.
There are always people who are so eager to blame, but not help.
Christofur is with The Found and Porch Angels this week, and then evvery week he will join a different band of Awesome Angels at home and in their Towns and Cities, and you and Your Cats will all unite with Christofur in love.
One Fine Day.

[phesina]

Thank you, Mary and Gary. I know I can be very harsh on myself, but it's hard not to with something like this.. how i was brought up or something..

One of my "handicapped and CH pets" friends, Mari, whom I should have called just called me.. from Texas... She gave me her condolences, said she was so sorry I'd lost my little boy like that. And she said she had wanted to write me but couldn't because she was so angry about the things Christine was saying.. so she decided to call. And she also talked with MC, one of the other HP-CH peoplee (who lives in upstate NY), whose computer it turns out has been on the fritz the last few days, and she updated HER.. and MC also said Christine was outrageous and to give me her love and condolences.

So I feel a little better now. I had been feeling all alone, that I'd totally blown it on this, and that these people no longer liked me or respected me either. She told me that is not true, and she also reassured me that Christofur is out there somewhere waiting for me, and he will send me a "letter" a message to remind me he's still with me.. and someday he'll send along another little needy critter for me to care for.

Thank you again, everyone.

Pat