Our PT joke thread

[wombat2u2004]

Marrying a Canadian Woman

The first man married a woman from Houston ,Texas. He told her that she
was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man married a woman from South Carolina. He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first
day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the
third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a
huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from CANADA. He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Thanks Candace,
Your name has now been officially relocated on my "Most Preferred to Marry in the Future" list. You are now at No.86 instead of No.5. Hee hee

[Catty1]

Well, Wom, ya know what they say...if ya can't take the heat....

[cassiesmom]

Every ten years the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by, and it's one monk's first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."

Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."

It's the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare, and says, "I quit."

"I'm not surprised," the head monk answers. "You've been complaining ever since you got here."

-----
And one of my all-time favorite Cubs jokes:
A wicked Chicago man died and went to the place all wicked people go. The Devil decided to shove him in a room and cranked the heat and humidity up. The man smiled. When the Evil One asked why the man was smiling, he said, "Why, it's just like Chicago in spring."

So the Most Evil One cranked up the heat and humidity more. The man removed his coat, smiled, and said, "No problem, this is exactly like Chicago in summer."

This time the Destroyer of Beauty cranked the heat and humidity to maximum. The man removed his shirt and tie and said, "Hey, it's just like Chicago in August!"

The Devil then got an idea. He shut off the heat and turned on the air conditioning. The room froze in seconds. Ice was everywhere. Polar bears hid in dens because it was so cold. Satan, confident he had finally won, peeked in the man's room only to find the man cheering and partying frantically....

"The Cubs won the World Series! The Cubs won the World Series!"

[wombat2u2004]

I know everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which sex you
are.
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds,
and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped
my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cellphone away from my ear
which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Women drivers!! Humpffff !!!!

[wombat2u2004]

When a woman Will Lie

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No.."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes.." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.



Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?'' "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband? The Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said "no" to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said "yes," you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said "yes" to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,
All Us Women

[RICHARD]

I was traveling with my friend to Las Vegas and we were in the middle of the desert when my friend turned to me and said that he had to go to the bathroom rather badly.

I asked if he could wait for a few miles to get to the rest stop. He agreed.

About five minutes later he turned to me an with a rather painful look on his face, asked me to pull over and he'd run out to a bush and do his business. I agreed and began to look for an appropriate place to let him out.

He was fidgeting like mad when I finally saw a large bush off in the distance.

I pulled off the side of the road and he practically exploded from the car. He took a few steps, turned and asked me if I had some toilet paper. I didn't.

I told him to use a dollar that he had brought along to gamble with.

With that help, he disappeared behind the shrub only to reappear a few minutes later looking at his hand while flicking it towards the ground.

I watched with interest as he approached the car and got in.

I looked at his hand, which was covered in poop, I asked him how he ended up like that.

"I took your advice and used a dollar" he answered, "The first three quarters worked fine, I got into trouble with the two dimes and the nickel......."

[wombat2u2004]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Where did you get the crappy hair-do?"