I just can't believe this...panic in gut UPDATE: #22; finally an email

[cassiesmom]

Dear God, could you please give my friend Catty1 a restful, peaceful night tonight. Just one more week before she leaves on vacation. Please bless the situation with her and N., and wherever N. is tonight, please keep him safe. Please bless Catty1, God and please guide in this situation. Thank you, AMEN


elyse

[Cataholic]

Like Medusa, I am posting only because you posted the email exchange. When I read it I immediately thoughty you were asking permission to be treated poorly (should you change the locks when safety dictates you should, wanting things to work (when you said he wasn't being good to you), needing to make a decision (when he left, a decision HAD been made), and your willingness to let HIS money problems be your 'problem' (you apologized for being uptight about money...no need to apologize for keeping your house in order, IMO).

No one, not even people in recovery (or re-recovery as the case may be) are responsible for other people's feelings. He should own his and you should own yours. It doesn't sound like either one of you are in line with that, and that causes problems. Irrespective of the problems those struggling with addiction might have. .,,,,,,,,(Monte made those comments immediately proceeding, apparently, the 3 square feet of table space wasn't clear enough for him to walk on and he needed to walk acoss the keyboard).

You met him 5 months ago, just curious as to how much 'good time' there has been versus this type of thing. When I hear that someone in his age bracket (if he has 29 years recovery, he is at least 35, right? LOL, maybe he started super, super young? I gave him 5 years before his addictions kicked in) goes MIA, that is a little off, to me. I might have gone MIA at 14 (for 5 hours, he he he), but, at 35? Not likely. And, 29 years into recovery, I would think HE knows the way by then, hit up his sponsor, hit up a meeting, hit up someone that can help him in the immediate crisis. (Don't mean to imply that a 29 year recovered person can't fail, he can, we can, I can (not in an addictive sense, just fail at things in general). But, after 29 years I would think he knew he was headed the wrong way and seek help before, not lay the guilt and drama at another's doorstep.

My short answer? You deserve better, and the sooner you realize it, you will be able to seek out other healthy, happy adults to have a relationship with. He isn't it.

[Lori Jordan]

You are all right you DESERVE better!He seems the type that thinks he is doing no wrong,and in the meantime having you believe that you are doing wrong.Some men are like that,not all but some.He walked away.Even if he did come back i cannot see this being a healthy relationship,He is too far into denile.

I would change the locks,I would not allow him to come and get anything of his,If he wants to be that way take his belongings to a friends place so you dont have to have any initial contact,Show him your not putting up with what he is doing to you,Maybe when he sees that he will change his ways with you,If not its better for you,You will only have 5 months in and not 10 years.

I hope you Enjoy your vacation! I think it will be good for you to take your mind of things.

[Catty1]

Thank you again, EVERYONE.

I felt kind of weird a bit after posting the emails - I did NOT want to be a drama queen...but there they were, so I left them.

And you all are right. I am getting the lock changed. I haven't heard from the handyman yet (N is still in the other city, so even if he left now it is 15 hrs straight driving), so I will call the property manager and ask her if I can buy a single deadbolt myself. I have my Reader's Digest book - they look pretty easy to install!

His personal property - clothing, coffee pot, lamp etc - are stored at a friend's place in a locked garage. So he knows where it is.

I just have to pack up his books. As for the equipment - laser printer needs a cartridge, but is brand new, so that is mine; I am planning on selling the compute tower sans hard drive and his home theatre system. I'll put it against what he owes me.

And you are right too - he is acting like he did nothing wrong. You know the old joke about how many addicts it takes to change a light bulb? Just one - they hold it and the world turns around it!

Johanna - he's 54. So there ya go. And yes, a lot of this stuff has to be learned with the heart and spirit - like ACCOUNTABILITY.

If other people want to post here, that's great. But we can also let this thread move down the ladder and PMs are welcome.

Clearer head today, cold and cough notwithstanding.

Thank you again with all my heart.

[pomtzu]

Thank you again, EVERYONE.

I felt kind of weird a bit after posting the emails - I did NOT want to be a drama queen...but there they were, so I left them.

And you all are right. I am getting the lock changed. I haven't heard from the handyman yet (N is still in the other city, so even if he left now it is 15 hrs straight driving), so I will call the property manager and ask her if I can buy a single deadbolt myself. I have my Reader's Digest book - they look pretty easy to install!

His personal property - clothing, coffee pot, lamp etc - are stored at a friend's place in a locked garage. So he knows where it is.

I just have to pack up his books. As for the equipment - laser printer needs a cartridge, but is brand new, so that is mine; I am planning on selling the compute tower sans hard drive and his home theatre system. I'll put it against what he owes me.

And you are right too - he is acting like he did nothing wrong. You know the old joke about how many addicts it takes to change a light bulb? Just one - they hold it and the world turns around it!

Johanna - he's 54. So there ya go. And yes, a lot of this stuff has to be learned with the heart and spirit - like ACCOUNTABILITY.

If other people want to post here, that's great. But we can also let this thread move down the ladder and PMs are welcome.

Clearer head today, cold and cough notwithstanding.

Thank you again with all my heart.

I hope he doesn't try to get back at you for selling his electronics, but then he left the things there, with no obvious intention of returning, so he probably lost his legal right to them.
I'd check it out from a legal standpoint tho, just to CYOA!

[Catty1]

pomtzu - am doing that. Mom, Mary and you have all suggested that!

[jennielynn1970]

Gosh Candace, I'm reading all this now, and all I can think is, change the locks, and don't look back. Seriously. It sounds like he's just going to drag you down with him where ever he is going to. And "forgetting" to sign the check... sure. Whatever on that one. I'm not buying it.

Get any money back that you can, get the locks changed, sell what remains, and don't look back. You deserve much more than what he has to offer you.

Hugs... Jenn