I just can't believe this...panic in gut UPDATE: #22; finally an email

[Catty1]

An email! I will post the one I sent August 29th, and his reply just now, today, September 2nd.

Hi, N:

I miss you and hope you come home.

If we need to make a decision, let's talk. If you want, we can meet with Harry or Greg[chaplain/priest].

It's been a hard go the last little while. I get very uptight about finances - one of my defects - and I am sorry I took that out on you. You are doing and have been doing your very best to get on your feet, and have done a great job. You have really stuck to it, and I do admire you for that.

As for my trip - the cats have been set up at a boarding kennel.

If you are definitely not coming back, and you find a place to stay here or in the city, let's please arrange to move your stuff before I leave so I can have an extra set of keys for someone.

I love you.

Hi there, I love you too.

However, I need to work some stuff out right now. I missed my kids very much as you know. I had to see them.

As far as everything else goes, I apologize. It's been rough all around.

I need you to stop contacting all my friends and acquaintances. That almost sounds like stalking lol.

As for any, all and sundry monies owing, I can only transfer $1000 at a time. You know that, it's the way the system works.

...I was sure I signed the check, but I probably did the same thing as D.[an employer who goofed the same way]

I'm looking for suitable full time employment or training. Turns out there's training coming available for Bookkeeping and LPN. Imagine, me, a nurse. How cool is that?

Not much else I can say for now. I heard from B.[buddy where his clothes are stored]

Talk to you later.
Norm

Hi, Norm:

I am so very glad to hear from you. I just didn't know what was going on. L didn't mention you gonig to see your kids. I hope you had a good visit.

I wanted to work things out, Norm. Even if you stayed somewhere else in town - and we met.

Should I not change the lock on this door? The cats will be boarded while I am away. But with you seeming to totally disappear and leaving all your stuff here, I was making decisions on my own without your input, and I figured you were not coming back at all.

I never cared if you had just part time or full time...I understand your rush to make a lot of money quickly - I really do! (been there!) You and I could only contribute what we could. It's a beginning.

My "fraud" comment - I apologize. With no contact from you, you admitting to spending all Friday night in a casino, and your card playing online (which, yes, L told me was start of a gambling problem, which has apparently been the toughest for you to kick) - forgetting to sign a check can happen to anyone. But in this context, I hope you understand why I got frightened.

Are you in [city] right now?

I love you. But let's communicate when we can...

HUGS

Candace

PS Am not trying to stalk you...just trying to hear from you. Leaving decisions all up to my alcoholic mind is not the best idea! lol

[Medusa]

Candace, this has me concerned on several levels and perhaps I should keep my mouth shut but since you felt ok w/posting your back-and-forth emails to each other, I feel ok w/commenting.

He told you to stop contacting all his friends and family members yet it's ok for him to get angry and disappear for a few days? If he needs to work some things out, as he stated, then he should've said that BEFORE he left, not after.

Owing money is never good. Makes me very nervous. Not signing the check? Makes me equally as nervous.

You asking if you should not change the lock on the door: not an option I'd give someone who first ran roughshod over your feelings, then totally disregarded them, then scolded you for contacting people because you were worried about him.

Gambling? Yes, I know he's in a program and people do backslide. I'm not judging, just saying that if you're sharing money and/or expenses, you could find yourself in the poor house very quickly and judging from his previous responses to you, he's liable to turn it on you saying that you knew all along that he had a gambling problem.

Candace, I know only too well what it's like to be in a relationship w/someone who has addiction problems. This isn't a judgment of Norm; I'm not that smug, but my antennae went up and stayed up when you first said he was missing in action and he seems awfully callous in regards to your feelings in all this. I care about you, even though we've never met in person. I know that you have a good heart. I just hope and pray that you're not an easy mark. Please take this post in the spirit in which it was written, w/love. I didn't PM you because you've bared your soul for everyone to see and this situation is more or less an open book, so I apologize in advance if you had preferred that I had PM'd you instead. I guess I'm hoping that others will concur w/what I said.

[Moesha]

I am sure that hearing from him calmed that "panic in gut" feeling. And I am glad you received a response finally. Honestly though, the response he gave really concerned me as well. I couldn't believe you asked him about changing the locks either. I really hope you know what you are doing. We are here to support you. Please understand that and know that people here really care.

[Catty1]

Hi, Guys.

Yeah, my reply to him was immediate and rambling. The locks thing was silly!

I'll mail him his hard drive - and I WILL sell his computer and home theatre system!

Just had a really good talk with Greg...and he didn't like the tone of N's reply - basically blaming me for everything, in a passive way.

I will go to the bank in person ASAP and see if they can do more than transfer $1,000 at a time. I am picking up the unsigned check tomorrow.

Looking for full time and maybe education? He was doing that here. woo hoo...

Something that takes addicts a while to acquire, if they ever do, is accountability - that their actions have the power to hurt people. They think it is all THEIR problem, and affects no one else.

Still will change the locks. Wish the guy would call!

I'll go buy one and do it myself!

THANK YOU GUYS.

Candace

[cassiesmom]

Dear God, could you please give my friend Catty1 a restful, peaceful night tonight. Just one more week before she leaves on vacation. Please bless the situation with her and N., and wherever N. is tonight, please keep him safe. Please bless Catty1, God and please guide in this situation. Thank you, AMEN


elyse

[Cataholic]

Like Medusa, I am posting only because you posted the email exchange. When I read it I immediately thoughty you were asking permission to be treated poorly (should you change the locks when safety dictates you should, wanting things to work (when you said he wasn't being good to you), needing to make a decision (when he left, a decision HAD been made), and your willingness to let HIS money problems be your 'problem' (you apologized for being uptight about money...no need to apologize for keeping your house in order, IMO).

No one, not even people in recovery (or re-recovery as the case may be) are responsible for other people's feelings. He should own his and you should own yours. It doesn't sound like either one of you are in line with that, and that causes problems. Irrespective of the problems those struggling with addiction might have. .,,,,,,,,(Monte made those comments immediately proceeding, apparently, the 3 square feet of table space wasn't clear enough for him to walk on and he needed to walk acoss the keyboard).

You met him 5 months ago, just curious as to how much 'good time' there has been versus this type of thing. When I hear that someone in his age bracket (if he has 29 years recovery, he is at least 35, right? LOL, maybe he started super, super young? I gave him 5 years before his addictions kicked in) goes MIA, that is a little off, to me. I might have gone MIA at 14 (for 5 hours, he he he), but, at 35? Not likely. And, 29 years into recovery, I would think HE knows the way by then, hit up his sponsor, hit up a meeting, hit up someone that can help him in the immediate crisis. (Don't mean to imply that a 29 year recovered person can't fail, he can, we can, I can (not in an addictive sense, just fail at things in general). But, after 29 years I would think he knew he was headed the wrong way and seek help before, not lay the guilt and drama at another's doorstep.

My short answer? You deserve better, and the sooner you realize it, you will be able to seek out other healthy, happy adults to have a relationship with. He isn't it.

[Lori Jordan]

You are all right you DESERVE better!He seems the type that thinks he is doing no wrong,and in the meantime having you believe that you are doing wrong.Some men are like that,not all but some.He walked away.Even if he did come back i cannot see this being a healthy relationship,He is too far into denile.

I would change the locks,I would not allow him to come and get anything of his,If he wants to be that way take his belongings to a friends place so you dont have to have any initial contact,Show him your not putting up with what he is doing to you,Maybe when he sees that he will change his ways with you,If not its better for you,You will only have 5 months in and not 10 years.

I hope you Enjoy your vacation! I think it will be good for you to take your mind of things.