When family attacks/elder care and sibs rant.

[Daisy and Delilah]

After reading all this thread, I have to say something to you, Richard. I hope you can take a compliment. You are one he11 of a good man!!! Everything you stand for is for the good of your Mom and to be the best person you can be at all times. I know I'm not alone in saying, I admire and respect you very much. Although we've never met, it would be an honor and a pleasure to meet you some day.
Keep doing what you're doing and I'll keep praying that your entire family can come together and be on the same ground.

I am so fortunate that I have my brother and sister all the way in monitoring my Mother's care. Her memory is failing at times. She's undergoing tests for Alzheimer's. At this point, we're not sure where she really is. Not only my siblings but my children. We have all formed a "network" with phone calls, emails, and, visits to monitor her every move. It works beautifully. I really hope that you guys have the same thing before too long. It's so hard for everybody but it's like a marriage, everyone needs to do their part. The weak links make it hard for everybody.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[catland]

One thing I've learned (the hard way), is that no matter how much you want someone to behave and not be a brat (or other B** words, you fill in the blank), when the going gets tough - it just ain't gonna happen.

People are who they are, for better or worse, and situations like these usually bring out the worse.

Eventually, it will be their loss.

As dementia has taken over my mom, I started visiting her and my dad for dinner every Thursday (a good day, don't you think), for over a year now. I was always the odd one out and haven't been all that close to my folks in my adult life even though we live in the same metro area. But I wouldn't trade my new "Thursdays" for anything.

My dad is one of those WWII kind of guys, not one to ask much for help or express his feelings. But a couple of weeks ago he mentioned how glad he was that I come over every week. It gives him something to look forward to.

For all of you *hoping* that someone will step up and help out - well, I've been told that hope does spring eternal. You have to get cranky and tell them, I need you to come over to give me a day off - what day works for you? Then call them up and remind them. Easier said than done I know, but sometimes people aren't mean, they are just clueless. If you are related to one of the clueless ones than you might have a chance.

Oh, and also, don't expect the non-punctual ones in the family to suddenly get religion and decide to start showing up on time. That ain't gonna happen either.

[RICHARD]

One thing I've learned (the hard way), is that no matter how much you want someone to behave and not be a brat (or other B** words, you fill in the blank), when the going gets tough - it just ain't gonna happen.

SO friggen true!

As dementia has taken over my mom, I started visiting her and my dad for dinner every Thursday (a good day, don't you think), for over a year now. I was always the odd one out and haven't been all that close to my folks in my adult life even though we live in the same metro area. But I wouldn't trade my new "Thursdays" for anything.

My dad is one of those WWII kind of guys, not one to ask much for help or express his feelings. But a couple of weeks ago he mentioned how glad he was that I come over every week. It gives him something to look forward to.

CL,
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

I can guess that you bring over one of mom's special treats, stay and do dishes and not rush off ofter you finish eating! When my dad was 'going' mentally there were times where he was not allowed to drink excess amounts of water because of his dialysis. There were times that I'd go over with a mixed drink or a shot in a glass and give him a "hit" my mom would yell at me and I'd tell her that a shot would not kill him....and it didn't! I do remember the knowing look on his face when i'd hold up the glass, just out of mom's view, and he'd give me the head nod! It wasn't a whole bottle of booze or anything like that......Why deny someone a taste of everyday life?

-------------

I had always suspected that Ma was looking for her daughters to come over and do a small favor for her.....They really hurt my chances to do some good for her. THe last few years I'd offer to take her to lunch and she'd get ticked off when I pursued the thought, "I don't like the way you drive!" was the stock answer. But I realized just recently that she didn't want to get ready because she thought I WOULD CRAP OUT ON HER!

One of the last times we went shopping (I had to drag her out of the house almost!) we went to a Target store. I finished my shopping while she roamed around with her purchases- It took me a half hour to find her and we ended that trip having a hotdog, coke and munchies in the food court at the front of the store. That was a fun time!

Another one of the things that I secretly enjoyed was the scathing remarks she'd make to me in public! We were in the cat department of a Big Lots store and she started in on the Edster and how he had knocked down some stuff she had in her house during one of our visits! She was getting loud so I walked away from her...later on we had a good laugh about that.

Thanks for telling us about your Thursdays!

[lizbud]

I am sorry that you are going through all this. Life is hard sometimes
even in good times, but not having a united family behind you in the bad
times, makes things harder than ever.

My only advice would be calling the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116
and ask what services are available in your area. ( eldercare.gov ) on the web.

We hired a Attorney (worth every penny) who specialized in Eldercare & she
really guided us thru the process of finding a super assisted living place &
also helped get all of Mom's money matters (bills,bank accounts,etc) in
shape.

[Pam]

Another one of the things that I secretly enjoyed was the scathing remarks she'd make to me in public!

She was getting loud so I walked away from her...later on we had a good laugh about that.

Oh Richard you have me laughing now. This is along the same lines. I always accompanied my mom to her doctor visits. One day we were at the urologist (she had a little bladder problem) and it was just Mom, me and another elderly lady about Mom's age and that woman's daughter. The other lady was given a new patient information sheet to fill out and the daughter was asking her the questions as the woman either couldn't see well enough to write or couldn't write legibly. You could hear a pin drop in the waiting room. At one point the woman said to her mom "I'm checking yes here to the question as to whether you have diabetes." At that point my mom said to me rather loudly...."Did you hear that? That poor woman has diabetes." I was looking for a hole to crawl into.

[RICHARD]

At that point my mom said to me rather loudly...."Did you hear that? That poor woman has diabetes." I was looking for a hole to crawl into.

You got me laughing now!

IF that had happened to me I would have leaned into my mom's space and said something like, "Well, your hearing is o.k.!"

[jazzcat]

LOL, Pam that is so funny. I noticed with both my parents that with age and loss of hearing came some very embarrassing moment for me. My Mother wasn't so bad but oh boy has my Dad left me red faced and apologizing. He likes to go to Shoney's and have the soup bar and even though I always do the walking to get his soup he always tells them to seat him next to the buffet bar. It never fails, some unsuspecting overweight lady will get a big plate of food and as she walks by he'll say something like "look at how that's piled up, no wonders she's so large".

I'll never forget sitting in Cracker Barrel with him and a middle aged lady with extremely large, frizzy permed hair from the 80s sat down across from us. In a whisper so loud you could hear in the next town he said "look at that lady, her hair looks like a stump full of granddaddies". As I tried to shut him up quietly he again in a loud whisper said "what? I just wanted you to see that hair, don't know when it's seen a comb".

That is just a couple of his zingers and don't even get me started on him going up to the soft drink dispenser at a fast food restaurant to wash his hands. He doesn't do that one in front of me because he knows I'll fuss at him but he does it with the caretaker. He says it's too far to walk to the restroom and I told him if he was that bad maybe it's time to check out a nursing home. That makes him fly straight for a while.

[catland]

On one of my visits, about a month before my mom had to be moved to foster care, my dad had made a beef stew for dinner. This was right about the time when mealtimes were becoming kind of hit or miss for her. Utensils were starting to become strangers to her and you didn't know if she would like something or just want to go back into the living room to be left alone.

Well, for what ever reason, she was really enjoying the beef stew and was just gobbling it up. My dad was so happy. Her bowl was almost empty so he grabbed it, got some more stew in it, and placed the bowl back down in front of her without her noticing and she continued to eat the stew. He and I just kind of winked at each other and smiled.

[Pam]

LOL, Pam that is so funny. I noticed with both my parents that with age and loss of hearing came some very embarrassing moment for me. My Mother wasn't so bad but oh boy has my Dad left me red faced and apologizing. He likes to go to Shoney's and have the soup bar and even though I always do the walking to get his soup he always tells them to seat him next to the buffet bar. It never fails, some unsuspecting overweight lady will get a big plate of food and as she walks by he'll say something like "look at how that's piled up, no wonders she's so large".

I'll never forget sitting in Cracker Barrel with him and a middle aged lady with extremely large, frizzy permed hair from the 80s sat down across from us. In a whisper so loud you could hear in the next town he said "look at that lady, her hair looks like a stump full of granddaddies". As I tried to shut him up quietly he again in a loud whisper said "what? I just wanted you to see that hair, don't know when it's seen a comb".

That is just a couple of his zingers and don't even get me started on him going up to the soft drink dispenser at a fast food restaurant to wash his hands. He doesn't do that one in front of me because he knows I'll fuss at him but he does it with the caretaker. He says it's too far to walk to the restroom and I told him if he was that bad maybe it's time to check out a nursing home. That makes him fly straight for a while.

LOL! You have me laughing! I bet we could write a book!