When family attacks/elder care and sibs rant.

[jazzcat]

I hope this thread and being able to unload a bit is helping. I know just typing it out has helped me before.

Wow Richard, you really are on a lower rung of the ladder, aren't you? I've been dealing with elder parent care for many years now but the one thing I can say is my siblings have for the most part stepped up to help even though they don't live nearby. I think I would have already gone postal if I had to deal with siblings like yours. WOW!

Don't get me wrong, I have my gripes - especially with my sister the nurse. What is it with nurses? She has helped and has been there for emergencies but when it comes to visiting Dad there always seems to be an excuse. She lives about three hours away and even though she could make trips to the same town to visit her husband's aunt, she would often not even let Dad know she was in town. To her credit she did just go through two horrible months where they moved her husband's dying aunt into their home and she cared for her around the clock until the end which was just three weeks ago today. Now that the aunt is gone it will be even harder to get her down to visit Dad but I'm hoping her experience with the aunt will have changed her view on Dad. Fingers crossed.

BTW, I'm the baby of the family. There is a 19 year span between the oldest brother and me. My parents had me in their mid 40s and it seems I've spent most my life taking care of one or both of them. I can remember spending my 8th summer standing by my mother's bed holding her hand and her barf bucket as she suffered with severe vertigo/dizzy attacks caused by Meniere's Disease. I remember at the end of the summer my parents gave me a $100 bill and put it in a savings account for me for all my hard work. (That really stuck with me - I was so proud). I digress.

Anyway, my oldest brother lives several states away but he is has been great. He pays for my Dad's hired caretaker, has paid to send my Dad and I or my Dad and my sister to go visit my other brother (we don't go visit the paying brother because his wife is a vindictive LOON! - there isn't enough space on the internet to tell about her). Plus that brother has been pretty good about helping me on the phone with issues with Dad. He's the one I get Dad to listen to about "man" things like riding the lawn mower, using power tools and not driving the car.

My other brother is helpful and is the one I'm the closest to in the family but he has his own health issues from MS and I hate to bother him too much. He does his part though.

My main gripe would be that I think my siblings tend to ignore me and blow me off because they think I'm being overly dramatic and that I'm a panic person. Also they say that Dad is happiest in his home and they want to keep him there as long as possible and that if he dies on his lawn mower or in his woodworking shop then he died happy. Well I hate to burst their balloon but if something happens to Dad on the mower or with power tools he probably won't die quickly, it will probably be a long painful ordeal and I know I will be the one to deal with it, not them!

I think I could just deal with this better if my siblings would offer me a break. I have been caring for Dad nonstop since my Mom died over four years ago and I was taking care of both of them for a couple years before that. The only breaks I have gotten have been for a few days when Dad went with my sis to my brothers and when Dad has gone up to visit sis at Thanksgiving and Easter each year - and that was just for a few days and I had to drive him up half way and go back to pick him up so technically I only got a day or two without dealing with Dad - that sucks! Even on the days I don't drive down and spend with him I'm on the phone with him several times a day. Every single night I call him at 11 pm for pill check and bed check. I would love it if I could just get a month off where I didn't have to call him except to say "Hi" if I wanted to. No pill check, no "did you drink your nutritional drink today", no trying to straighten out whatever he's confused about today and none of his "telling" on the caretaker. Just a good ole break!!!

Richard, I'm glad you started this. I will be back with my rants and gripes.

[Freedom]

Richard, I am so sorry. The hard part is, mom is contributing to this mess. Sigh.

My Dad lives with me, and I handle all his care. He has been to the lawyer, has all the documents in place. If something happens to me, my cousin steps in; NOT my brother. I'm not sure my brother even knows. (He's been told, but whether it stuck is another thing entirely.)

I often wish I could ask bro for help. It has been hard to face the fact that I am on my own with all this. He only lives 4 miles away. Three weeks back, Dad fell during the night, took care of himself and didn't call me. Next morning I found out because I saw all the blood on the floor (head wounds are notorious for bleeding!) As I'm cleaning up, I twisted funny and hurt my back. So now Dad needed lunch. Dad called bro and asked him to pick up salads at McD's. Bro "said" OK, but then decided not to do so. Meantime, Dad took his insulin shot. Long story short, Dad passed out and we all went to the ER, Dad by ambulance. Where Bro informed everyone this was MY fault; I should have had protein bars in the house or had Dad call pizza delivery, not HIM, HE isn't food delivery service!

I get a LOT of support from the senior center in our city, there is a social worker, nurse, and elder care information specialist available. Now with the vascular dementia diagnosis, I am also getting lots of help from the Alzheimer's Assn. This stuff is all free, so check around if there is something available to you. I also attend a caregiver's support group, at least once per month. What is said in there stays in there, and there are many family issues discusses in addition to the health care of the 'patient.' Again, all free.

Think carefully before seeking a guardian ad litem. All mom's money / assets could well be spent on lawyer fees, court fees and guardian costs. NO ONE in the family will have a say in anything once a guardian is appointed. Give input, perhaps, depends on the person, but the ultimate decision is out of the family's control.

I had posted about a resource for those caring for someone with either a chronic, or a terminal, condition, to maintain contact without phoning umpteen relatives and friends. You type in the latest info and that is it. They can sign up if they want (it is free) and then they get notice when you post something. May have helped with the bro who didn't know mom was moved from the hospital to a nursing home, not sure. If they don't want to give you their email addy, that is fine, you don't need it. You just let them know the site is there, it is up to them to log on. It is www.caringbridge.org

I hope some of this helps!

[Karen]

I cared for and helped out my Great Aunt Bertha a lot in her final years. The saddest, saddest saddest thing ever was when she said quietly to me, "Maybe it would be better if I never had (step)children. Then I wouldn't expect them to care or visit."

It could have broken your heart.

But she had us, anyway - Ma was her eldest niece, Bertha was Ma's youngest Aunt - and the only one shorter than Ma was. So they were always buddies, and consequently we were, too.

To give you a grin:

All my mother's children ended up taller than her. So when we'd pick on her about being short, she'd say "Yes, but I'm taller than Aunt Bertha!"

Whereas Aunt Bertha, when discussing height - she was the shortest of 8 siblings - would say "Yes, but I'm taller than Mrs. Schwartz!"

She said that to me one day, and I said "Mrs. Schwarts of Schwartz hardware? I've met her, she's taller than me ..." (and 20 years older, as well), and Aunt Bertha said "No, her mother-in-law - Mr. Schwartz's mother, she was only (indicated about eyebrow height on herself) this tall!"

[RICHARD]

Well,

I have to say that there are many of us that do jobs that our hearts do not let us go undone.

You all are good people and you know what it's like to swim against the tide.

Good work, You probably don't need to hear that, but it is nice to be noticed for doing it.

About the 'food delivery service' my littlest bro and sis were always doing that and it worked in reverse. I'd cook up a meal and they would walk in to her house with some fast food or something else.

Instead of calling to save a trip or to make sure that she was already eating they would take it upon themselves to bring her food. I am not mad about it-but I'd got to be a hassle because I'd freeze what ever I was cooking and mom would refuse to eat leftovers!


--------------

The brother next to me is sometimes a pain in my arse and a great guy. We fight and argue about all kinds of things but in the end he's a good guy.

He took my sis to task about what she said to me the other day-this afternoon he came in to discuss the lawyer and will.

BTW, Thanks to you all for the suggestions for lawyers, social workers and other things.

Because of his old job he was able to secure help from a former coworker for everything we need. This isn't the first time that people we have worked with have gone ahead and offered help at little or no cost to us.

------------------------

We also discussed what role my big sis would play in the process.
LOL, she called my bro and told him she'd be back next week and he should call her if we needed anything.

She didn't leave her cell number or anyway to get a hold of her. I guess if we yell loud enough she can hear about it in Minnesota.

Yestetday she was going to arrange for a priest to go visit her. She then turned around, gave the job to my SIL and never showed up at the time she was supposed to.

Since she didn't show up for the lawyer or priest meetings we called her about the news, to keep her in the loop. After the convo I handed the phone to my SIL and she said to her, "Did you call the priest, what did he say?" MY SIL described what happened and sis told her "Oh, that's great, you did good girlfriend, you go!"

That subject came up today-she called my bro and SIL last nigh to let them know that she was leaving and "was there if we needed her..."

THey then told me that they should watch out for me that she thought that I was going to commit suicide. She then went into a spiel about how she knew me really well and that I was going to kill myself before she came back from her vacation!

I am going to make it a priority to outlive that biatch. EVEN IF IT KILLS ME!!!!!

My brother then told her that since we had worked together on and off for the past three years that it was pretty unlikely that it would happen. I guess that it didn't go over very well that he knew me better that the prodigal sister.



I am still laughing about it!

The one 'saving grace' is my brother and SIL are getting tired of her and are beginning to see that it's going to be us doing the heavy lifting when all is said and done.

So, some good news today! And there is tomorrow.

Again, just gotta hang tough!

---------

Hey,

Sometimes,when things go badly, stop and think about that ladder and thank your lucky stars you are not further down on the rungs.

It's all a matter of perspective!

[Catty1]

RICHARD - good to hear that the stronger people in the family are coming together.

The only thing I can think of regarding "what is it with nurses" is maybe they look after everybody else when they work, and have some bizarre sense of entitlement when they are off work.

Now, in all fairness, nurses work DARN hard...

So maybe you can all politely dismiss her by telling her that since she looks after other people for a living, you all won't be calling on her to do anything. She plainly doesn't want to do anything, and won't. Or can't.

HUGS

[RICHARD]

RICHARD - good to hear that the stronger people in the family are coming together.

The only thing I can think of regarding "what is it with nurses" is maybe they look after everybody else when they work, and have some bizarre sense of entitlement when they are off work.

Now, in all fairness, nurses work DARN hard...

So maybe you can all politely dismiss her by telling her that since she looks after other people for a living, you all won't be calling on her to do anything. She plainly doesn't want to do anything, and won't. Or can't.

Oh, I have no problems with people who do nursing....I do have a theory, It is harder to help someone close to you when you can "turn it off" when it comes to someone you don't know.

Just a thought.


About my sis, I do not want to dismiss her. She thinks that she's a tough cookies and I am the one that will crumble...Now it's coming down to the person standing at the end. All this does is give me the strength to get thru the whole process and should it ever come up, I'll be more than happy to remind her about what she did and didn't do.

But isn't that what a conscience is for?

[Bengalz]

Richard,

I just wanted to let you know that although we don't know each other I respect your feelings in this situation and am very sad for you to have to endure such stress at a time when the most important issue is your Mom's health and her well being. Throughout this thread is an underlying emotion - your wish for your Mom's time to be quality time.

My wish for you is that you have the strength within to maintain that emotion in priority and focus on your spending that quality time with your Mom. We only get one chance to do that and I would hate for your heart to break because it didn't happen the way you wanted it to.

Your siblings are dealing with their emotions in a different way and I see it as interference - misguided perhaps, but certainly draining your resources. Listen to your instincts and follow your heart and let them make their own choices.

I wish you the best and hope you can spend many special moments with your Mom. Take care and please don't let others get the better of you.

Hugs, Betty

[jazzcat]

Oh, I have no problems with people who do nursing....I do have a theory, It is harder to help someone close to you when you can "turn it off" when it comes to someone you don't know.

Just a thought.

I think you nailed it! My sister the nurse has always been the last one any of us in the family turn to for compassion because she seems so put out with us and cuts us short. She's always made us feel like were just complainers or hypochondriacs. That always upset my Mom and even my Dad before the dementia got worse (now he doesn't see my sister rolling her eyes or hear her sarcasm when he talks about how his knee hurts for the 10th time).

I know she'll be there in a serious crisis but when it comes to the day to day complaints and ailments of an elderly parent she just tunes them out.

It's a lot like my husband. He is a computer programmer/database admin. and works on computers all day but when I have a problem with my computer at home it's like pulling teeth to get him to look at it. I understand but if I need help, I need help - with my computer or with my Dad.

Apparently my life's profession is parent caretaker so I guess I'm helping my siblings with my expertise every day. Trying to be positive here.

~~~

Richard, I spent a lot of good times with my Mom before she died. We shared lots of secrets and really, she was my best friend. I know our talks and time together made her happy too and that is something I will have with me forever. When I think of my Mom those are the things that I remember first and not the spats with siblings about visiting more, etc. I can tell you I know a couple of my siblings have had real regrets about cutting a visit short, not visiting more often or not calling more. Those are the kinds of things you and I don't have to live with.

[RICHARD]

For the last two weeks i have had problems going to sleep, the overnight coverage of the Oympics did not help. I'd stay up unitl 4-5 in the morning.

Since I started this thread I have been able to close my eyes and go to sleep at a reasonable hour. Last night I slept all the way thru. I just had to wake up for a blanket.

LOL, I never thought of using PT as a sleep aid!


Thanks again for all your kind words. Do not feel sorry or sad for me. I mentioned that I went thru a six month period where we lost 3,000+ people on 9/11, I lost my dad, my GF, two car engines and other things during that time in 2001-02.

I lost my faith in man, the father figure in my life, Love in my life and a way to commute in life.

But, I never lost my faith-I don't carry a religious ideal in my life. I do believe in good and evil, high times, down times and the thought that tomorrow is a new day.

Don't think that I am stronger than you would be in my situation. I have fears and doubts, I'm scared and trying to be brave. I am really strong and weak, all at the same time.

I have alway thought about how I (and everyone else) got lucky and ended up where we are-in a failry decent place, a good country with many good things for us.

One of the things that I really do appreciate is the care that we can offer our loved ones who fall ill. Take a second to think about the places in the world where a doctor visit is not just once a month or year. medicine can help and heal and a night in a hospital is a blessing, not a dream.

It's all relevant and again a matter of perspective.

I keep going back to that point because it's been a way to keep me from buckling under the pressure. If there are people who fold under much "easier"
situations, what does that say about me?


I cannot say it enough, thanks friends!

[Daisy and Delilah]

After reading all this thread, I have to say something to you, Richard. I hope you can take a compliment. You are one he11 of a good man!!! Everything you stand for is for the good of your Mom and to be the best person you can be at all times. I know I'm not alone in saying, I admire and respect you very much. Although we've never met, it would be an honor and a pleasure to meet you some day.
Keep doing what you're doing and I'll keep praying that your entire family can come together and be on the same ground.

I am so fortunate that I have my brother and sister all the way in monitoring my Mother's care. Her memory is failing at times. She's undergoing tests for Alzheimer's. At this point, we're not sure where she really is. Not only my siblings but my children. We have all formed a "network" with phone calls, emails, and, visits to monitor her every move. It works beautifully. I really hope that you guys have the same thing before too long. It's so hard for everybody but it's like a marriage, everyone needs to do their part. The weak links make it hard for everybody.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[catland]

One thing I've learned (the hard way), is that no matter how much you want someone to behave and not be a brat (or other B** words, you fill in the blank), when the going gets tough - it just ain't gonna happen.

People are who they are, for better or worse, and situations like these usually bring out the worse.

Eventually, it will be their loss.

As dementia has taken over my mom, I started visiting her and my dad for dinner every Thursday (a good day, don't you think), for over a year now. I was always the odd one out and haven't been all that close to my folks in my adult life even though we live in the same metro area. But I wouldn't trade my new "Thursdays" for anything.

My dad is one of those WWII kind of guys, not one to ask much for help or express his feelings. But a couple of weeks ago he mentioned how glad he was that I come over every week. It gives him something to look forward to.

For all of you *hoping* that someone will step up and help out - well, I've been told that hope does spring eternal. You have to get cranky and tell them, I need you to come over to give me a day off - what day works for you? Then call them up and remind them. Easier said than done I know, but sometimes people aren't mean, they are just clueless. If you are related to one of the clueless ones than you might have a chance.

Oh, and also, don't expect the non-punctual ones in the family to suddenly get religion and decide to start showing up on time. That ain't gonna happen either.

[RICHARD]

One thing I've learned (the hard way), is that no matter how much you want someone to behave and not be a brat (or other B** words, you fill in the blank), when the going gets tough - it just ain't gonna happen.

SO friggen true!

As dementia has taken over my mom, I started visiting her and my dad for dinner every Thursday (a good day, don't you think), for over a year now. I was always the odd one out and haven't been all that close to my folks in my adult life even though we live in the same metro area. But I wouldn't trade my new "Thursdays" for anything.

My dad is one of those WWII kind of guys, not one to ask much for help or express his feelings. But a couple of weeks ago he mentioned how glad he was that I come over every week. It gives him something to look forward to.

CL,
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

I can guess that you bring over one of mom's special treats, stay and do dishes and not rush off ofter you finish eating! When my dad was 'going' mentally there were times where he was not allowed to drink excess amounts of water because of his dialysis. There were times that I'd go over with a mixed drink or a shot in a glass and give him a "hit" my mom would yell at me and I'd tell her that a shot would not kill him....and it didn't! I do remember the knowing look on his face when i'd hold up the glass, just out of mom's view, and he'd give me the head nod! It wasn't a whole bottle of booze or anything like that......Why deny someone a taste of everyday life?

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I had always suspected that Ma was looking for her daughters to come over and do a small favor for her.....They really hurt my chances to do some good for her. THe last few years I'd offer to take her to lunch and she'd get ticked off when I pursued the thought, "I don't like the way you drive!" was the stock answer. But I realized just recently that she didn't want to get ready because she thought I WOULD CRAP OUT ON HER!

One of the last times we went shopping (I had to drag her out of the house almost!) we went to a Target store. I finished my shopping while she roamed around with her purchases- It took me a half hour to find her and we ended that trip having a hotdog, coke and munchies in the food court at the front of the store. That was a fun time!

Another one of the things that I secretly enjoyed was the scathing remarks she'd make to me in public! We were in the cat department of a Big Lots store and she started in on the Edster and how he had knocked down some stuff she had in her house during one of our visits! She was getting loud so I walked away from her...later on we had a good laugh about that.

Thanks for telling us about your Thursdays!

[lizbud]

I am sorry that you are going through all this. Life is hard sometimes
even in good times, but not having a united family behind you in the bad
times, makes things harder than ever.

My only advice would be calling the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116
and ask what services are available in your area. ( eldercare.gov ) on the web.

We hired a Attorney (worth every penny) who specialized in Eldercare & she
really guided us thru the process of finding a super assisted living place &
also helped get all of Mom's money matters (bills,bank accounts,etc) in
shape.

[Pam]

Another one of the things that I secretly enjoyed was the scathing remarks she'd make to me in public!

She was getting loud so I walked away from her...later on we had a good laugh about that.

Oh Richard you have me laughing now. This is along the same lines. I always accompanied my mom to her doctor visits. One day we were at the urologist (she had a little bladder problem) and it was just Mom, me and another elderly lady about Mom's age and that woman's daughter. The other lady was given a new patient information sheet to fill out and the daughter was asking her the questions as the woman either couldn't see well enough to write or couldn't write legibly. You could hear a pin drop in the waiting room. At one point the woman said to her mom "I'm checking yes here to the question as to whether you have diabetes." At that point my mom said to me rather loudly...."Did you hear that? That poor woman has diabetes." I was looking for a hole to crawl into.

[RICHARD]

At that point my mom said to me rather loudly...."Did you hear that? That poor woman has diabetes." I was looking for a hole to crawl into.

You got me laughing now!

IF that had happened to me I would have leaned into my mom's space and said something like, "Well, your hearing is o.k.!"