When family attacks/elder care and sibs rant.

[RICHARD]

RICHARD - good to hear that the stronger people in the family are coming together.

The only thing I can think of regarding "what is it with nurses" is maybe they look after everybody else when they work, and have some bizarre sense of entitlement when they are off work.

Now, in all fairness, nurses work DARN hard...

So maybe you can all politely dismiss her by telling her that since she looks after other people for a living, you all won't be calling on her to do anything. She plainly doesn't want to do anything, and won't. Or can't.

Oh, I have no problems with people who do nursing....I do have a theory, It is harder to help someone close to you when you can "turn it off" when it comes to someone you don't know.

Just a thought.


About my sis, I do not want to dismiss her. She thinks that she's a tough cookies and I am the one that will crumble...Now it's coming down to the person standing at the end. All this does is give me the strength to get thru the whole process and should it ever come up, I'll be more than happy to remind her about what she did and didn't do.

But isn't that what a conscience is for?

[Bengalz]

Richard,

I just wanted to let you know that although we don't know each other I respect your feelings in this situation and am very sad for you to have to endure such stress at a time when the most important issue is your Mom's health and her well being. Throughout this thread is an underlying emotion - your wish for your Mom's time to be quality time.

My wish for you is that you have the strength within to maintain that emotion in priority and focus on your spending that quality time with your Mom. We only get one chance to do that and I would hate for your heart to break because it didn't happen the way you wanted it to.

Your siblings are dealing with their emotions in a different way and I see it as interference - misguided perhaps, but certainly draining your resources. Listen to your instincts and follow your heart and let them make their own choices.

I wish you the best and hope you can spend many special moments with your Mom. Take care and please don't let others get the better of you.

Hugs, Betty

[jazzcat]

Oh, I have no problems with people who do nursing....I do have a theory, It is harder to help someone close to you when you can "turn it off" when it comes to someone you don't know.

Just a thought.

I think you nailed it! My sister the nurse has always been the last one any of us in the family turn to for compassion because she seems so put out with us and cuts us short. She's always made us feel like were just complainers or hypochondriacs. That always upset my Mom and even my Dad before the dementia got worse (now he doesn't see my sister rolling her eyes or hear her sarcasm when he talks about how his knee hurts for the 10th time).

I know she'll be there in a serious crisis but when it comes to the day to day complaints and ailments of an elderly parent she just tunes them out.

It's a lot like my husband. He is a computer programmer/database admin. and works on computers all day but when I have a problem with my computer at home it's like pulling teeth to get him to look at it. I understand but if I need help, I need help - with my computer or with my Dad.

Apparently my life's profession is parent caretaker so I guess I'm helping my siblings with my expertise every day. Trying to be positive here.

~~~

Richard, I spent a lot of good times with my Mom before she died. We shared lots of secrets and really, she was my best friend. I know our talks and time together made her happy too and that is something I will have with me forever. When I think of my Mom those are the things that I remember first and not the spats with siblings about visiting more, etc. I can tell you I know a couple of my siblings have had real regrets about cutting a visit short, not visiting more often or not calling more. Those are the kinds of things you and I don't have to live with.

[RICHARD]

For the last two weeks i have had problems going to sleep, the overnight coverage of the Oympics did not help. I'd stay up unitl 4-5 in the morning.

Since I started this thread I have been able to close my eyes and go to sleep at a reasonable hour. Last night I slept all the way thru. I just had to wake up for a blanket.

LOL, I never thought of using PT as a sleep aid!


Thanks again for all your kind words. Do not feel sorry or sad for me. I mentioned that I went thru a six month period where we lost 3,000+ people on 9/11, I lost my dad, my GF, two car engines and other things during that time in 2001-02.

I lost my faith in man, the father figure in my life, Love in my life and a way to commute in life.

But, I never lost my faith-I don't carry a religious ideal in my life. I do believe in good and evil, high times, down times and the thought that tomorrow is a new day.

Don't think that I am stronger than you would be in my situation. I have fears and doubts, I'm scared and trying to be brave. I am really strong and weak, all at the same time.

I have alway thought about how I (and everyone else) got lucky and ended up where we are-in a failry decent place, a good country with many good things for us.

One of the things that I really do appreciate is the care that we can offer our loved ones who fall ill. Take a second to think about the places in the world where a doctor visit is not just once a month or year. medicine can help and heal and a night in a hospital is a blessing, not a dream.

It's all relevant and again a matter of perspective.

I keep going back to that point because it's been a way to keep me from buckling under the pressure. If there are people who fold under much "easier"
situations, what does that say about me?


I cannot say it enough, thanks friends!

[Daisy and Delilah]

After reading all this thread, I have to say something to you, Richard. I hope you can take a compliment. You are one he11 of a good man!!! Everything you stand for is for the good of your Mom and to be the best person you can be at all times. I know I'm not alone in saying, I admire and respect you very much. Although we've never met, it would be an honor and a pleasure to meet you some day.
Keep doing what you're doing and I'll keep praying that your entire family can come together and be on the same ground.

I am so fortunate that I have my brother and sister all the way in monitoring my Mother's care. Her memory is failing at times. She's undergoing tests for Alzheimer's. At this point, we're not sure where she really is. Not only my siblings but my children. We have all formed a "network" with phone calls, emails, and, visits to monitor her every move. It works beautifully. I really hope that you guys have the same thing before too long. It's so hard for everybody but it's like a marriage, everyone needs to do their part. The weak links make it hard for everybody.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[catland]

One thing I've learned (the hard way), is that no matter how much you want someone to behave and not be a brat (or other B** words, you fill in the blank), when the going gets tough - it just ain't gonna happen.

People are who they are, for better or worse, and situations like these usually bring out the worse.

Eventually, it will be their loss.

As dementia has taken over my mom, I started visiting her and my dad for dinner every Thursday (a good day, don't you think), for over a year now. I was always the odd one out and haven't been all that close to my folks in my adult life even though we live in the same metro area. But I wouldn't trade my new "Thursdays" for anything.

My dad is one of those WWII kind of guys, not one to ask much for help or express his feelings. But a couple of weeks ago he mentioned how glad he was that I come over every week. It gives him something to look forward to.

For all of you *hoping* that someone will step up and help out - well, I've been told that hope does spring eternal. You have to get cranky and tell them, I need you to come over to give me a day off - what day works for you? Then call them up and remind them. Easier said than done I know, but sometimes people aren't mean, they are just clueless. If you are related to one of the clueless ones than you might have a chance.

Oh, and also, don't expect the non-punctual ones in the family to suddenly get religion and decide to start showing up on time. That ain't gonna happen either.

[RICHARD]

One thing I've learned (the hard way), is that no matter how much you want someone to behave and not be a brat (or other B** words, you fill in the blank), when the going gets tough - it just ain't gonna happen.

SO friggen true!

As dementia has taken over my mom, I started visiting her and my dad for dinner every Thursday (a good day, don't you think), for over a year now. I was always the odd one out and haven't been all that close to my folks in my adult life even though we live in the same metro area. But I wouldn't trade my new "Thursdays" for anything.

My dad is one of those WWII kind of guys, not one to ask much for help or express his feelings. But a couple of weeks ago he mentioned how glad he was that I come over every week. It gives him something to look forward to.

CL,
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

I can guess that you bring over one of mom's special treats, stay and do dishes and not rush off ofter you finish eating! When my dad was 'going' mentally there were times where he was not allowed to drink excess amounts of water because of his dialysis. There were times that I'd go over with a mixed drink or a shot in a glass and give him a "hit" my mom would yell at me and I'd tell her that a shot would not kill him....and it didn't! I do remember the knowing look on his face when i'd hold up the glass, just out of mom's view, and he'd give me the head nod! It wasn't a whole bottle of booze or anything like that......Why deny someone a taste of everyday life?

-------------

I had always suspected that Ma was looking for her daughters to come over and do a small favor for her.....They really hurt my chances to do some good for her. THe last few years I'd offer to take her to lunch and she'd get ticked off when I pursued the thought, "I don't like the way you drive!" was the stock answer. But I realized just recently that she didn't want to get ready because she thought I WOULD CRAP OUT ON HER!

One of the last times we went shopping (I had to drag her out of the house almost!) we went to a Target store. I finished my shopping while she roamed around with her purchases- It took me a half hour to find her and we ended that trip having a hotdog, coke and munchies in the food court at the front of the store. That was a fun time!

Another one of the things that I secretly enjoyed was the scathing remarks she'd make to me in public! We were in the cat department of a Big Lots store and she started in on the Edster and how he had knocked down some stuff she had in her house during one of our visits! She was getting loud so I walked away from her...later on we had a good laugh about that.

Thanks for telling us about your Thursdays!

[lizbud]

I am sorry that you are going through all this. Life is hard sometimes
even in good times, but not having a united family behind you in the bad
times, makes things harder than ever.

My only advice would be calling the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116
and ask what services are available in your area. ( eldercare.gov ) on the web.

We hired a Attorney (worth every penny) who specialized in Eldercare & she
really guided us thru the process of finding a super assisted living place &
also helped get all of Mom's money matters (bills,bank accounts,etc) in
shape.

[Pam]

Another one of the things that I secretly enjoyed was the scathing remarks she'd make to me in public!

She was getting loud so I walked away from her...later on we had a good laugh about that.

Oh Richard you have me laughing now. This is along the same lines. I always accompanied my mom to her doctor visits. One day we were at the urologist (she had a little bladder problem) and it was just Mom, me and another elderly lady about Mom's age and that woman's daughter. The other lady was given a new patient information sheet to fill out and the daughter was asking her the questions as the woman either couldn't see well enough to write or couldn't write legibly. You could hear a pin drop in the waiting room. At one point the woman said to her mom "I'm checking yes here to the question as to whether you have diabetes." At that point my mom said to me rather loudly...."Did you hear that? That poor woman has diabetes." I was looking for a hole to crawl into.