Desperate Help Needed - Noah

[NoahsMommy]

(((((Carole)))))
Thank you for your kind words, you're so sweet!

Well, so far everything is going well with the apartment. Kristin is VERY, VERY cool and we're working out my credit issues and even the cat deposit between us. I'm meeting her tomorrow to give her a check for the first months rent and half of the deposit she paid. I'm getting an insurance check in a week or so from the car accident/s I was in, so I have that money to help me move in and also have a buffer in the form of a savings account in case I get sick and need extra money to keep me independent.

The check I'm giving her tomorrow after work came from my grandma who is #1 keeping my 'escape plans' secret and #2 has been very supportive of me when I need to talk, vent, cry or just need prayers. When I get the insurance check, I'll pay back my grandma for the money I need to get to Kristin.

So....its all going as planned. My only obsticals now are:
*Waiting until 2/2 to move (because its a Saturday)
*Figuring out how to move things from my parents house
*How/what to tell them after I'm out of there

Any advise, ideas are much appreciated.

Hugs,
Kelly

P.S. I'm planning on asking my brother to help me move 2/2. I have my futon (now my bed), my desk and a bunch of boxes in a storage unit we share. I just have to be CERTAIN he keeps my move secret. I'm 99.99999% certain he wouldn't tell my parents, but I'm being EXTRA cautious.

[sasvermont]

K, I know this move will be good for everyone, including your folks. I hope your brother respects your decision and knows how to stay loyal to you. It sounds as though he too is subject to your Mom's rath. I trust you have enough love left that you will be civil and kind when you tell her. I wouldn't think anything else of you, but boy, can times like this (coming up) can be ugly. Take the high road honey, and keep saying things "positive", even if things turn dark on the moving day. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I bet your folks will be surprised and feel as though you did things behind their back. They seemed to give you no choice!

I wish you luck, and a smooth transition to your own place. I bet once you get there, you will be thrilled.

I wish you were closer. I have a fully furnished apartment that my Mom is leaving (probably this weekend).....and it is just right for the person needing a quick place - and in a nice environment.

Anyone else need a place to live.....furnished......???

Keep us posted dear Kel.

[zippy-kat]

Best of luck to you, Kelly!!

[Karen]

I have an idea! How about your brother arranges to take your parents out for the afternoon on that Saturday ... takes them to dinner or something. That would give you time to move out safely, and you can signal him on his cell when it's all clear, without them knowing he was involved.

[gini]

Dear Kelly, I wish you the best of luck and happiness with your move.

You are getting some good advice here - I would add that maybe you tell your parents how grateful you are for all that they have done for you. It sounds phony - but truly they have given you a place to live - well, maybe not "live" but at least reside. I am just following up on the "positive" suggestions that Sasvermont has given you.

I would at all costs try to avoid any confrontation with your parents. You don't need the stress - it isn't good for your health. Keep your mind on how happy you are going to be in your new home and WITH YOUR CATS!

Also - will you be able to immediately transfer your mail to the new address?
I wouldn't want to see that insurance check go astray!!! You are counting on it.

When you get settled in - take a deep breath - and know that life will now be much better and happier for you.

I will put a check in the mail this week for Balcom for Noah's care. How I remember that little boy when he was at my home. He thought he was in charge until I had a little talk with him - and he looked at me like WHOA
and then backed off. He's orange - and comes with attitude

[slick]

Kelly:
Moving sucks any time but in your instance I can only imagine how stressful it will be, but as Mz Gini says, keep reminding yourself of the good times ahead and how nice it will be to once again have a kitty purr you to sleep. It's so nice that Kirsten love kitties and it sounds like everything will work out OK.

I would love to donate but unfortunately I've nothing to spare at the moment. Please forgive me. But I am praying hard for you sweetheart. After all you've been through, you deserve all the good things that life has to offer.

Big {{{hugs}}} from me
xoxoxo

[Emeraldgreen]

Hi Kelly, only 18 more sleeps until the big day! It will be an exhausting day but I'm sure but it will all be worth it. I like Karen's idea about having your brother keep your parents occupied. But if you need him to help move the heavy stuff, maybe your grandma could get involved with occupying them by inviting your parents over for lunch that day or something and then you and your brother could quickly move out your stuff.
If you pre-write a letter to your parents over the next few weeks and put in it all that you want to say, you can leave it at their house so they have some sort of explanation when they get home. And then you could get in touch with them by phone later that night and talk about it some more. It might give them a chance to absorb it a bit at a time.
If you're not 100% sure that your brother will not able to keep the move a secret, maybe you could ask him to do 'something' (lunch, the movies or some kind of favor) with you on February 2nd to make sure that he reserves that day for you and then when he comes over, you can let him know what you really have planned.
I'm sure you'll fine tune all your ideas over the next few weeks as 'the first day of the rest of your life' draws nearer! Hang in there and try to stay postivie.

[Catty1]

Kelly - would your grandma find 'something for your parents to do' on moving day? Something to get them out of the house?

I hope your brother can handle himself if they find out he helped! OH WAIT - he lives far away!

HUGS to you girl!

[Laura's Babies]

Gee Girl, the fewer people that know, the better it is and less likely someone lets something slip. Once out, will you then have controll of your money again? I certianlly hope so, otherwise this can get really ugly!

I have to ask, is your mother bipolar? Maybe even undiagnosed bipolar? I hate to think someone would treat their child like that well into adulthood and could help it. You don't have to answer me, it is just something for you to think about.

I will be back to work on 2/2 so I am going to have to wait until the end of Feb to find out how it went and how you are doing. Let me wish you well now and there be nothing but sunny days and peace in your life for you and your babies. May it be a wonderfully happy reunion for you and the babies.

[NoahsMommy]

OK, first, I need to vent and request a pep-talk of what I already know. You know how it is, right?? Then I'll answer all questions. Actually, I'll do the opposite, answers first.

OK. My parents, I owe them money for when I got my divorce, got fired 4 times due to my Crohn's Disease and needed medication, to pay my bills, etc, etc, etc. I've been paying them something (even when on unemployment and it BARELY covered my bills) each month and in the past few months that I've been more stable, they've been getting a significant payment monthly. ($500/monthly) Because I owe them money for a debt that began in 2005 (I was in the hospital for MOST of the year, jobless twice, had my surgery and left David to move on my own - then lost the apt.) they've demanded that I give them my paychecks and spousal support checks. I didn't know this when I moved home...it was "explained" one payday when my mom asked how I was going to pay for medication or a co-pay and my response was, "I'll go cash my paycheck and pay that way." (I didn't have my own checking account because I was going through a divorce - they tend to freeze your accounts during the time when it becomes final.) She said, "Oh no you wont! With all the money you owe us, you need to give that money to us. WE will work on a budget and give you what you need. That is more appropriate, don't you think??" (Do I need to say this wasn't a suggestion, or tell you what tone it was said in???? )

And thus, the money control began. I stressed that I needed a savings account and we put that in my mom's name. Luckily, I've had to USE that money for Christmas/Birthday presents, medication when my COBRA wasn't active and one month ALL my expenses because I had to pay for some deductables, two new tires, etc. etc. etc. I say luckily, because I wont need to "battle" with my mom to get that money as there isn't much in there!! ha ha

I physically HAND over my endorsed checks (paychecks and alimony) to my parents. This is something I will not have to do in the VERY near future (YAY!!!) and once again be in charge of my money. MY MONEY.

The timing is perfect because in February, 3 large bills will have been paid off, freeing up almost an entire paycheck. That alone can cover most of my rent and I'll still have another paycheck and my spousal support. The insurance check I'm going to be getting (as well as my spousal support) will be sent to my friend CiCi's house.

This insurance check will also be my savings - a substantial buffer for me just in case something happens work or health-wise. BUT, on those fronts, I'm doing VERY well!!!!!

RE: my grandma
Staci is correct, this is my paternal grandmother. While my parents include her occasionally, it would be VERY fishy for my grandma to ask THEM to do something. She's a quiet, simple person and have ZERO in common with my parents. Also, my grandmother is a HORRIBLE actress and wouldn't be able to do it. She gets upset/stress VERY easily and well, this would add to that. GREAT idea though...really, thank you so much for your brain storming...it really is helping me!

RE: Kevin, my brother
I think that I can trust Kevin to help me move and to keep things quiet. My parents only see him about once a month and he is secretive by nature anyway. He was raised in the same house and has been treated the same way...he left our family for 4 years and only recently came back. Any guesses WHY he left? My mom treats him like the prodigal son...he can do no wrong and even when he does, she wouldn't DREAM of treating him like she does me, otherwise, he'd go away again.

I'm grateful that Kevin DID go away for all those years, because I know that maybe one day my mom will give me that same respect he gets now. Maybe I'll have my day as the prodigal - even though I've ALWAYS been the good one. (I don't mean I'm happy Kevin ever left, I missed him daily and would break into tears just thinking about him with worry. The day he called me is easily one of the BEST days in all of my life. And, he called ME....then her. He saw ME...then her. Does that tell you anything?)

Having Kevin & Krista (his gf) take my parents out for a day may prove to be an EXCELLENT idea. I could at least get some thing out of the house. I have a bunch of boxes in their storage shelving in their garage. Unfortunately, its above where you park your car, so I'll need help. That's my problem. I'll have to see if CiCi and her hubby could maybe help me.

Then Kevin could help me get my stuff out of our shared storage unit. My bed is in there - the futon that was in my Calabasas apartment. My parents pursuaded me to sell/give away most of my furnature to help me save on storage costs. It was a good idea as it saved me money and I haven't been stable health/job wise until now. But, now it leaves me without a lot of furnature. That isn't a big deal to me or Kristin and we'll get our furnature together, eventually.

I'm taking my computer...so they'll have to figure things out for themselves that way. They've only recently been using one anyway, so it wont be a huge shock for them.

The best part? I'll get to pickup ALL my kitties and take them HOME!!!!!! I'm soooooo excited!!! WOOHOO!!! This is going to be so wonderful.

VENT: Gosh, its such a long story with tons of background info. Basically my grandma called me this morning all upset and worried I was making the wrong decision. First, my grandma would rather live with abuse than rock the boat ANY DAY. I'll just leave it at that...it is how she views life and responds to it. I hope that gives enough information so that all you/I have to do now is consider the source and keep my faith in myself and in what I know in every cell of my body to be the right thing.

My gma knows that if I leave my mom's home, I can never return A: if she's that upset and B: she's TOLD me I only get to come home one time. Well, I'm GLADLY leaving and WOULD rather live in my car than come back to her. Gma said, "with all the times you've gotten sick and lost jobs, are you sure you want to do this??"

I UNDERSTAND her concern. But I've been working this all out for at least a year. Financially its the perfect time, job-wise it it as well. Even my health has been the best its ever been in the last 10 years! I'm even LOOKING better physically!! As soon as I made this decision, it was like the heavens opened and angels sang! I know it my heart this is right and every professional involved in my care is telling me to GET THE HECK OUTTA THERE!

Anyway, hearing her this morning made me feel...well like she didn't have faith in my health, my job, my decision, my future. I KNOW my decision is 150% correct and I need SUPPORT, not what she did.

I was very, very kind with her, of course. I thanked her profusely for her love and concern. She only wants the best for me - but we're very, very different people in very, very different situations. I asked her to continue praying for me and that I understood her concern.

Wow, did all that gma stuff make sense? Have you all fallen asleep with this WAY TOO LONG post???

RE: Letter to parents
This is most likely what I will do. But I wont be calling THEM afterwards, at least not right away. I'll need to guage the situation. I 100% expect this action on my part to "make" them sever the relationship. I don't expect them to understand ANYTHING I say to them. But, I will do it with love, kindness and respect...despite the lack that I get in return.

I AM VERY GRATEFUL to have a place to live...I'm grateful for a lot and will be very positive and repeatedly grateful in this letter.

OK, I think I addressed everything. If not, I will later.

Thank you all, for so much....

Love, Kelly & Kitties!!! (YAY!!!!!!!!!)

[NoahsMommy]

To sum up what my gma made me feel like:

Doesn't she know I already have in the back of my mind CONSTANTLY (every second of every minute of my LIFE!) the fear and worry that I may become very ill again and loose my job? I don't need to be reminded when my job is to DEAL with it IF it arises, not live in terror each second.

I'm trying to explain this, but don't know if I'm doing well.

I NEED to plan for IF that happens (which I have in the form of this insurance check and the savings I'll start with it) and then REMOVE the worry because that alone WILL make me sick. When she already knows my fears combined with the heart wrenching possibility that I may never speak to my parents again...it just hit me right where I worry. It added to an already overflowing sense of dread, terror. This is my LIFE. I AM terrified my life will repeat itself, but I cannot dwell on that.

I can only react and plan and pray.

[carole]

Aww kelly, such a difficult situation all round, one can only feel empathy for you, you have it real tough sweetie, but Grandma means well, remember that, i am sorry she is making you feel worse, but she is only concerned for your well being, i know you already know that.

Wow you have really been caught up in a catch 22 situation here, and i completely understand now why your parents have had such a hold over you, although i cannot understand them at all,if it were me i would not even want the money back simple as that, and would support you in every way possible,it is almost like they enjoy having control over your life,personally i think it is great to raise your kids and then see them become independent, it means you have done a reasonable job.

I have done a lot of reading on crohns disease, and it is the pitts, to even beable to work as you do is simply amazing.

I wish you all the best dearest Kelly, and i can feel your excitement oozing out on these pages,take care and count down the days to your freedom again, HUGS.

[ChrisH]

I NEED to plan for IF that happens (which I have in the form of this insurance check and the savings I'll start with it) and then REMOVE the worry because that alone WILL make me sick. When she already knows my fears combined with the heart wrenching possibility that I may never speak to my parents again...it just hit me right where I worry. It added to an already overflowing sense of dread, terror. This is my LIFE. I AM terrified my life will repeat itself, but I cannot dwell on that.

Kelly, you have done, or will do, as much as you can to safeguard the future, and that is all you can do,
because that is all that it is, a time to come. You cannot know exactly what will happen so ...

Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.
He is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt, crept in.
Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.
This new day is too dear, with its hopes and invitations,
to waste a moment on the yesterdays...
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Be bold--and mighty forces will come to your aid.
- Basil King (1859-1928) Cleric and writer

Good luck sweetie, you will be in my prayers.

[sasvermont]

Gosh, I just know you will thrive on your own Kelly. As I said in a previous post, take the high road. Don't assume anything, including knowing what will happen and how your folks will respond, and why! I know that it is tempting to try to predict, but it is also dangerous. Of course it is best to have plan a, b, c etc. ready for application, but to spend too much time wondering how someone else will react, well, it is a waste of your time. You deserve a break my dear, and you should concentrate on you and your needs and not wondering about what is in someone else's head.

Will you fail at this attempt to live on your own? Probably not. Anyone of us could come up short in our living situations. I bet I moved home three or four times as a young adult. It is why they call it home. It is a safe place to be. Unfortunately your Mom has taken home to an entirely different place. Sounds more like prison to me. She sounds like the warden and not Mom.

As far as your health is concerned, well, again, anyone of us could run in to a problem. I know I have and made arrangements to work with the problem until it was cured. You can always move here to Vermont. Don't forget that.

I wouldn't write your Mom off quite yet. She may surprise you and deal with this in an adult like way. I don't blame you for wanting out. I wonder why she is so mean to you? You need to distance yourself from her, and this seems to be the way.

So Kelly dear, chin up. You can do this. Keep your eyes open and your spirits up. You have so many cheer leaders here.

Love,
Sas and her campers