I need help....

[Catty1]

What you CAN do, Kim, is call the police and press charges.

And leaving - you are in an abusive situation. You have to be safe and stay somewhere so your head can clear.

Please.

ETA: Found this: http://en.allexperts.com/q/Parenting...sive.htm?zIr=5

Expert: Julie Adams
Date: 6/14/2005
Subject: Step Child abusive

Question
I have been with my husband for 4 years and married for 2 years. His 15 year old son lives with us and because of issues caused by this child I am considering a divorce. This child has stolen from members of the family, has destroyed things in the house, has experimented with drugs and alcohol, and can not follow even the simplest house rules. But what has gotten even more disturbing is the porn. Just this year alone there has been over 30 porn movies removed from our house, there has been a time when a 2 liter coke bottle filled with urine was in his closet, as well as a used condom. I have said time and again that this behavior as well as smoking was not allowed in our home. But this child has even looked his father in the face and told him if he did not want to know it was there then to not go in his room. This has gone on for 4 years and many times I have said this was the last time, but I can not take any more. I will not allow this child alone in our home at all any more and it is making life very hard on his father whom constantly blames me. This child has even broke into our bedroom to rent porn on our tv, which is the only tv in the house that has digital access and is kept in our room so that he does not has easy access. I have a 14 year old daughter that I have to keep away from this boy because I don't trust him. What can I do and how can I make my husband see that there is a real problem. This child is also failing in school and his mother will not help at all. It is lucky if we get her to even see her son three days a month. I love my husband but I can not go on with his son's abuse, or the fact that we fight constantly over the issues of what this child is allowed to get away with in our home. Please help!!!


Answer
Dear Tina,
You are dealing with some very serious issues. I read your pain and frustrations. Please know that you CANNOT make anybody change unless they want to. You cannot force behavior that is not prompted by a change of heart/mind.
You have said that you have threatened many times, but have not acted.....that is the key....no one believes you.
My suggestions is that you remove yourself from the situation with the understanding that you want to work things out and that it is imperative that this child seek professional help. I don't blame you that you do not want your daughter to be around this son. That would be a disaster! Go and live with friends/family or your church family. Don't threaten divorce.....just allow yourself some separation time to get your husband and this son jump started toward some help. I admire your strength and courage in such a difficult circumstance.
Write again if you wish.
Julie

And for what it's worth, take a look at this page; read it: http://www.blendingafamily.com/?gcli...FQkxgwoddjU5XA

[Karen]

Kim, dear one, I know you love your husband, and family, but this situation warrants serious action, and now. If your hubby won;t do anything, you need to, and if it means getting the police involved, please do so. This is for your own sake, for Cameron's sake, and for the animals' sake, not to mention the other humans in the house.

You will be in our prayers. Something needs to change - and NOW - and it has apparently fallen on you to be the catalyst.

You can do this. We'll all be with you in spirit.

[Grace]

I agree with those who say - call the police. This type of behavior can escalate into something more serious.

[Twisterdog]

I agree as well. Call the police and press charges.

As you know, I have a similar situation with my step-children. Although they are not physically violent, they are spoiled little monsters whom their father cannot discipline.

I am attempting to stick it out until they are all 18. (They are 17 and 15 now.) I do not know if I will make it, frankly.

I told my husband before we got married, in no uncertain terms, that I tolerate absolutely zero physical abuse. If he ever hit me or any of the kids, even his own, I would be on the phone to the police in a second. And I also told him if any child ever raised a hand to me, I would do the same. I meant it.

You can't keep living like this. You have gone above and beyond the "duty" of a step-parent. You have put up with enough. Too much. NO ONE can ever say you didn't try, you tried more than most people would have. Take care of YOU. Your husband will more than likely follow your lead. A wake up call is long overdue.

I know this is a strongly worded post, and I hope you don't take offense. But, PLEASE, enough is enough. These "kids" are not really even kids anymore. You are taking abuse and nonsense from adults, basically, and getting no support from your spouse to end it. Please, take care of YOU. PM me. If you need a place to go or a plane ticket, I'll get you one.

[caseysmom]

I think you need to put your foot down Kim and I know its hard but you are just as important of a part in the whole sceme of things as your husband, whomever is doing this needs a wake up call. Big hugs it must be hell.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

I would pack my bags & leave.

That was my first thought too - put some distance between them and you and let them get on with it

[jennielynn1970]

Been thinking on this one, and while I agree in a sense to the packing your bags and leaving... I don't know that I would. That's your home. You have every right to be there and live free of harm and abuse. So does your husband. So do his kids. Everyone in that household has that right. Should someone take that right away from you, whether they are minors or whether they are adults, they need to know that it will not be accepted.

If Grant won't do it, then it's gotta come from you. You are his wife. You are their step mother. You are legally responsible for the health and welfare of those kids in that home who are under the legal age of an adult. If there is another adult in that house who is endangering them, causing physical or emotional abuse, neglect, what have you, they need to face the consequences. If Grant can't be the responsible one, and shame on him when these are his kids, and as a teacher he wouldn't accept it in his classroom, so why in his own home?! He's a large intimidating guy, a force to be reckoned with. He needs to be responsible for the minors in the household and even if Ashley is a minor, even more reason, get her butt straightened out. Tough love baby. It's gotta happen.

Who is the adult in the house?? Who makes the rules?? Grant should know the answers to those questions, and they better be GRANT AND KIM. If they aren't the answers he gives, then he needs to take a parenting course, and also rethink what kind of example he's setting for the kids he teaches.

[Lizzie]

I don't believe Kim would leave without taking Cam with her. If she did that, she would run the risk of losing the right to see him, at least for a time. The police or an attorney seem to be the only routes to take to make a change for the better for the whole family. Counseling is only really beneficial if the whole family participates, and only the law will force the other members of this family into counseling. Sorry, Kim, you will have to look like the bad guy in order to be the good guy.