Ok, December 2007. My sister died April 2006, having been in long-term care for 4 years. Mom had her cats, one of whom got cancer and after major expensive surgery (before we knew it was cancer), was euthanized on my birthday. (that's just how it worked out).

I have rarely dated, playing music is nothing to me any more. Mom, although hale and healthy and energetic, would really like her and I to have a side-by-side to live in - separate dwellings. Maybe in the next year.

I have long lost sight of anything I really want. To make things better for pets in the area, and am working on that. But though I was technically 'free' after my sister died, there was nowhere I wanted to go.

Hysterectomy this year. This fall, the dwindling end of a job that had been abusive and horrid...another job falling into my lap, which is in someone else's home office. I pick up family vibes in home offices too easily.

Anyway, guys - I was stupid with money, when I started earning MORE at this second job, I got to actually get some new clothes (outlet store!). I got rid of some ugly wall units...and just wanted, for once, to get bookcases just a BIT nicer than plain particle board/thrift store style.

So...credit card is up there a bit. I just crunched the front of my car the other day. I can get it fixed without insurance (can't afford that option), but will still be up to $1,000. I WISH my previous job would pay me the $2,000+ they owe me...they now have been turned into an investment group on the way to becoming another company.

Today is a day without deadlines of any kind, even chiro appointments. I need more of those. Yesterday I was supposed to go play a set at a homeless shelter in Calgary, and I wound up having a meltdown at home with a bad nosebleed and had to cancel out. Calmed down and went to mom's - she has been really good, and assured me I was NOT going crazy again, that I just had a lot on my plate. (PS I got treatment for one, then two conditions after coming to Calgary, and am glad of that).

I just don't know where I am supposed to go, what I am supposed to do. Not fit, no niche. What kind of job - I have done all the tests in workshops and stuff - my area is Communicator and writing, but don't know what job I would be happy with.

Is it possible to find a job and be happy with it? To have a sense of purpose?

I had read and heard that a good thing is to pray for others what you wish for yourself. I did that in the prayer thread...hey, it happened for someone there!

I like to help...maybe I need a few year off that to recharge, 30 years, say...

And maybe a boyfriend, if I can get out of this social panic/staying housebound where possible. There are good guys out there, aren't there?

Okay, time to click Submit. I don't know if this will do any good - but THANK YOU for reading. Maybe my recently whacked out thyroid is up again...oh well, I see the specialist in February...

Thanks again for following the zany map here...verbal pinball machine I can be...

ETA: I didn't fall into any spirit of Christmas this year, which seems to mean speeding up and smiling and hitting the Auto switch. I got cards from my sponsees, and I am glad for my mom being alive and having my cats.

It just seems some days I automatically think about when I DON'T have my mom or my cats any more...I hate that happening (the thoughts).

Have been doing a journal to God every morning, and started on the Flylady course, to try and get organized. It's hell getting to bed early enough since the surgery too.

I'll shut up now...