Helping vs Enabling - what's the dif?

[kimlovescats]

That's so sad about your friend, Candace!

I also pray for our fellow PTer! I pray that she turns up safe and sound soon!!!

Kim

[moosmom]

Boy did THIS thread hit close to home!!!!

Guilty as charged. I was my father's enabler and primary caregiver for 2 1/2 years after my stepmother died, all the while fighting with my own sobriety. Did I feel guilty? You bet I did! My reasoning was I either go get the vodka for him, or he gets in his truck and drives to buy it himself, while intoxicated, taking the chance of killing someone else or himself in the process. Did I enjoy keeping my father drunk? No, but I knew if he stopped (he drank 24/7, vodka with milk ) cold turkey, it would NOT be pleasant.

I tried talking to a lawyer, fought with my Dad about his drinking, offered to go to AA meetings, even quit my job to care for him!!! He turned it all down.

Sometimes you do what you have to do in certain circumstances. This was one that could not be avoided, in MY opinion.

It's not a fun position to be in.

[kimlovescats]

Gosh, Donna, that must have been terribly hard on you!

Hugs,
Kim

[Freedom]

Two people (people who are trained in this stuff and whom I respect) have told me I am enabling my Dad, who is not caring for himself with his diabetes; that I should never have quit my career to have him move in with me. He moved in 7 years ago. They also agree he would have been dead within 6 months if he had NOT come to me.

So he is with me, and I get frustrated wtih him and we bicker and what not; and I deal with the EMTs and the ER on a regular basis.

Not an easy decision here, either.

[K9karen]

I'm an awful, sad enabler (for other reasons). Can't seem to break it. *Slaps self*

[Catty1]

Freedom - so these 'experts' tell you what you 'shouldn't' have done. Do they have any bright ideas as to what you should do now?

Ask them, if for no other reason than to watch them stammer.

You might want to consult an Elder Lawyer in your area. It's a whole national organization in the USA.

K9 - don't slap yourself. I've done my share of enabling, because the person's sickness is contagious...and I get it too, and that is how I act. Both people get sick, and the enabler doesn't even have to drink or use or do what the other person does. Google a support or al-anon group in your area and check it out.

HUGS

[Freedom]

Freedom - so these 'experts' tell you what you 'shouldn't' have done. Do they have any bright ideas as to what you should do now?

Ask them, if for no other reason than to watch them stammer.

This was back when I was trying to decide what to do, before Dad did move in. Now they try hard not to say "I told you so" when I vent, fret, and worry about my future. MOstly I don't ask what to do now, as I feel I know the answer and don't want to do it.

[jennielynn1970]

Two people (people who are trained in this stuff and whom I respect) have told me I am enabling my Dad, who is not caring for himself with his diabetes; that I should never have quit my career to have him move in with me. He moved in 7 years ago. They also agree he would have been dead within 6 months if he had NOT come to me.

So he is with me, and I get frustrated wtih him and we bicker and what not; and I deal with the EMTs and the ER on a regular basis.

Not an easy decision here, either.

My dad played the same role with his father, who also was a diabetic. He ended up in the hospital needing a pacemaker, and then was in total organ failure. He didn't make it. That was 11 years ago. My dad had done his grocery shopping for him, buying him his Little Debbie Snack Cakes, Hershey bars and ice cream... cause if he didn't, my grandfather would have done it anyway. He'd eat all the treats and then give himself more insulin. Even in the hospital, my grandfather snuck candy, or had others do it for him. When they picked him up from the bed when he passed away, they had found 3 Hershey bars underneath him.... sigh. So, no matter how sick, he was going to do what he wanted anyway.