Need some "legal" advice.....

[catnapper]

Marigold, I'm sorry you had to go it alone. Being a single mom is never glamorous. I wouldn't wish to be in any young mom's shoes. The fear, uncertainty, the overwhelming reality of it all.

but....
Who said this girl IS alone? Who said she's only making $8 an hour?

Ashley is a single mom. She is a college student. She WILL finish school and WILL make a good life for herself and Cameron. Her FAMILY and FRIENDS will make sure she's got enough money and support to make it happen in the meantime. She did NOT need the baby's father. She certainly did NOT need to give the baby up. I swear, the baby saved her life on soooo many levels. She now has focus and priorities and knows who is here for her.

racing_gurl, I reiterate, please find a support group with people who understand. Their knowledge and support can help in so many ways.

[Marigold2]

The baby saved her life in so many ways..............

Wow I had no idea a baby was responsible for a mom's life. No idea the baby was responsible for giving her direction. Will the baby be responsible for the rent as well?

This gives me so much confidence in her parenting skills. Perhaps she needs some therapy.

Sounds like she needs help in growing up herself, a baby is not a vessel for growing up.
You don't have a baby hoping you grow up, you have a baby when you are grown

[carole]

This thread seems to have changed some, i don't think she was asking advice on whether to adopt her child out or not, i believe that is not even an option for her, as she has never said so,she just wants advice on how to keep the father out of the picture.

Marigold i do respect your opinion and see where you are coming from, and yes you do have a ton of experience and like me have been on both sides of the fence,i have been a mother for 25 years, and i too was a solo parent for almost ten years and it was not easy by any means,and i was married, however adoption is not always the answer either,i am sure it has not even crossed her mind.

As for her new partner not being there in a six months time ,well none of us know that ,probably not even her,but i am sure she is thinking on the positive side with her new relationship, hoping not to go it alone and have a good father to her baby, only time will tell i guess in the long run,at least she has found someone she trusts and cares for, who also appears to feel the same for her and her unborn child, that is not always easy to find, i wish you the best of luck with everything and sincerely hope it does work for you both.

[catnapper]

The baby saved her life in so many ways..............

Wow I had no idea a baby was responsible for a mom's life. No idea the baby was responsible for giving her direction. Will the baby be responsible for the rent as well?

This gives me so much confidence in her parenting skills. Perhaps she needs some therapy.

Sounds like she needs help in growing up herself, a baby is not a vessel for growing up.
You don't have a baby hoping you grow up, you have a baby when you are grown

Hmmm.... you have not considered medical reasons for saving her life have you? They found MAJOR issues that they would have never found without him coming into the world. He saved her life by being born and her being in the hospital at the time. She has to have testing from now til eternity every 6 months to make sure the problem doesn't return. Nice sarcasm. Speaking of maturity, that was very mature on your part.

As for having a baby hoping to grow up... I agree. She didn't think this would suddeny make her an adult. She was terrified out of her mind. She CHOSE to grow up and accept the responsibility. She has been rewarded a thousand times over for that choice.

Ashley's maturity didn't happen overnight either. Its not as if she went to bed with a one day old infant and woke up the next day with a new level of maturity. In fact, it seemed as if she regressed the first few months. She was a helpless child herself. Scared. Lost. Uncertain. It took the past 12 months for her to blossom into a mature young woman... a young woman I am VERY proud of. She'll only continue on this bright new path and become an even more amazing young woman and mom.

Cam's father? Ha! He decided to remain as immature and selfish as ever and is reaping the seeds of what he has sewn. Having a baby did not in any way make him grow up. He made the choice to ignore his responsibilites and remain immature. Sucks to be him.

[Roxyluvsme13]

Sorry but I totally disagree with you. How long have you been a mom? Two years, maybe three. I have been a mom for 29 years, I have three kids. I was also a single mom for a while. Unless you are making $40.000 a year or more life is very difficult. It's nice if you can afford diapers, and braces, shoes, car insurance, electric, water, rent, car repairs and a million other things. But what if you can't? Does this young girl have a college education, does she make $40.000 a year, have a safe car, a nice place to live, a good job, health benefits, money saved in the bank? If you don't you will find yourself broke and very sorry in several years. When they turn off your water and the kid has a cold but you can't get to the store because your car is broke and you simply can't take another day of work or be fired. That's life. Not some cozy pink fairy tale. Giving the baby up for adoption to a loving family who is able to afford to give this child a safe car to ride in, good medical coverage, a warm safe home and a mom that can stay home is so unselfish and brave. That is a loving deed, keeping a child because it's "my baby my baby my baby is acting like a two year old who doesn't want to share her Barbie.

Just to comment on this..

My mom is a single mom. We almost lost our house. We lost our car. We had to walk places. We couldn't pay the bills, we went without electricity for two + days until my mom finally decided to ask for help.

But.. we got through it all. And it sucked.

Life isn't going to be a fairytale, even if you have a car, a job, a house, food, etc. And just because you're a single mom doesn't mean anything. There's a lot of strong single moms out there, including my own, and really, I think being a single mom makes you stronger. It makes you fight harder for what you do and care more about your kids.

And Jen, I don't think you should put your baby up for adoption. I can't even believe people are suggesting that.

[Twisterdog]

Wow ... what a thread! I don't even know where to begin!

I have mixed feelings about the father of the baby not being able to see the baby. I obviously don't know any details, none of us do, so it's impossible to give really good, informed advice. But I will say this from my own experience - what I thought and felt about my son's father four months after we split up was skewed, to say the least. I hated that man, and saw only the worst in him. As I'm sure he did in me. However, time heals all wounds and changes all things. He really wasn't the son of Satan that I thought he was at the time, and he certainly grew out of the bad habits he had in his early twenties. He is my son's father, and while he hasn't been the best father, he hasn't been the worst, either. And by knowing his father, my son has learned many things ... including the kind of father he does not want to be. Obviously, if this baby's father is a true creep, this is not applicable. But I'd be careful making hasty judgements about a man you just broke up with when you are both young. That baby and that man have the potential for a lifetime together as father and son ... with the rough places and good alike that come with any human relationships. Don't be too quick to erase that potential.

And Marigold's post ... wow. Do you seriusly believe that being able to afford a nice car and braces makes you a good parent? Or that driving an old car and not having a college education makes you a bad parent? I know children who are living in poverty, or pretty darn close to it, who have loving homes, wonderful parents and are being raised with values and ethics. And I know kids who live in million dollar homes, drive brand new Hummers when they are sixteen years old, and have miserable lives. Bad parenting, neglect, alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse, molestation ... these things occur in familes from every income level. Simply because it is a two-parent, affluent household does NOT necesarily make it a good home. And just because it is a single-parent, lower income household does NOT necesarily make it a bad home.

I was a single parent for fifteen years. My son was loved, cared-for and taken care of. We had less possessions than some families ... but we had more than others. And a happy child, a loved child, a good home has almost NOTHING to do with possessions anyway. I know a lot of weathy single women, and I know a lot of dirt-poor married couples. Your assumptions and prejudices simply astound me.

[cyber-sibes]

I commend your choice of having the baby rather than not. I also agree that letting an irresponsible alcoholic "father" have any rights would be insane. I'm not sure how the legal system is these days, if he actually has any rights or not. There are probably social services where you can talk to a lawyer & find out for sure.
In spite of some tough times, raising my sons was the most rewarding thing I've ever done. And I did it as a single parent for many years. The ongoing hell of dealing with an ex who is fighting over the kids is just awful, so don't get roped into some legal arrangement with the baby's father unless you really want to complicate your life for the next 21 years.

Only you can decide what you think is the right course of action, but know that many of us offer advice based on life experience...but

Please, rethink starting a new relationship at this time, you already have so many changes going on in your life. This baby should be the only new relationship that is a top priority right now. It is a relationship that will last the rest of your life, and it's going to take all your energy & time for a while. "Motherhood" totally redefines "full time". Plus the emotional changes you'll experience, (you can't imagine )... throw a new man in the mix and you may find yourself very mixed up. Your baby needs you 100% now.

Good luck!

[Karen]

Good wishes for you and the new baby. I am glad for you and the baby that you realized the father was bad news, and hope you can find the lgeal help you may need. I would reccomend to take it slow with the new relationship, just in case. After all, your hormones are, of course, doing funny things right now, and that affects one's thought process!

That said, I do know one couple who started dating when she was pregnant with an ex-boyfriend's baby. They have since married, and "D" is the only father all three of their girls have ever known. Some day, "C" will probably explain to her eldest daughter why she looks so much different than her sisters, but the family is just that - a family.

[JenBKR]

And Marigold's post ... wow. Do you seriusly believe that being able to afford a nice car and braces makes you a good parent? Or that driving an old car and not having a college education makes you a bad parent? I know children who are living in poverty, or pretty darn close to it, who have loving homes, wonderful parents and are being raised with values and ethics. And I know kids who live in million dollar homes, drive brand new Hummers when they are sixteen years old, and have miserable lives. Bad parenting, neglect, alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse, molestation ... these things occur in familes from every income level. Simply because it is a two-parent, affluent household does NOT necesarily make it a good home. And just because it is a single-parent, lower income household does NOT necesarily make it a bad home.

I was a single parent for fifteen years. My son was loved, cared-for and taken care of. We had less possessions than some families ... but we had more than others. And a happy child, a loved child, a good home has almost NOTHING to do with possessions anyway. I know a lot of weathy single women, and I know a lot of dirt-poor married couples. Your assumptions and prejudices simply astound me.

You put that so well. I was absolutely astonished to read Marigold's post. Kind of hurt as well. Yes I am married, but we don't have lots of money, new cars, tons of material possessions....but God chose to bless us with a child anyway. I didn't know that there was an income guideline on having a baby So anyone making less than $40,000/year should give up their child? Come on now, shouldn't we be teaching our kids that money isn't the most important thing?

[mruffruff]

My daughter decided to keep her baby girl and raise it alone. The father wanted no part of his daughter. My granddaughter is the light of my life and gave my daughter focus. She had the courts prove paternity and has child support deposited to her checking account every month. They don't have a lot but they have each other and me. Dad has only seen his daughter once when she was 3 months old--12 years ago. Now my granddaughter wants to know why. I don't have any answers.

Give yourself time to really think about what can happen in the future. Your child will be affected by your decision as much as you will be. If this person is truly not redeemable, maybe you should cut him out of your life. But most people can change. Even if he isn't a good example to your child, he can be a lesson of what NOT to become. And the law says he WILL support his child.

I would hope that this child would be spared any dramatic confrontations. Screaming matches (or more!) scar little ones.

The future holds no guarantees. Going it alone will be tough but you can do it if you are strong and think things through before making any decisions.

[Cataholic]

Sorry but I totally disagree with you. How long have you been a mom? Two years, maybe three. I have been a mom for 29 years, I have three kids. I was also a single mom for a while. Unless you are making $40.000 a year or more life is very difficult. It's nice if you can afford diapers, and braces, shoes, car insurance, electric, water, rent, car repairs and a million other things. But what if you can't? Does this young girl have a college education, does she make $40.000 a year, have a safe car, a nice place to live, a good job, health benefits, money saved in the bank? If you don't you will find yourself broke and very sorry in several years. When they turn off your water and the kid has a cold but you can't get to the store because your car is broke and you simply can't take another day of work or be fired. That's life. Not some cozy pink fairy tale. Giving the baby up for adoption to a loving family who is able to afford to give this child a safe car to ride in, good medical coverage, a warm safe home and a mom that can stay home is so unselfish and brave. That is a loving deed, keeping a child because it's "my baby my baby my baby is acting like a two year old who doesn't want to share her Barbie.

Surely, you weren't referring to ME as someone acting like a two year old, not wanting to share her barbie, were you?

You sound angry, resentful, and bitter. Maybe you are, maybe you are not. I dunno. But, I do believe having those traits could make ANY money one has meaningless. It can't be about money.

I make a modest income, have health benefits, two weeks paid holiday, and live in my own home (well, the bank and I...). I am, like many people, subject to homelessness, loss of benefits, and the like, with not much more than the loss of my job. Married, a hundred years old, or single, not much changes the fact that most of us, if we lose our jobs, would be in a dire situation. It can't be about money.

Probably, it is this particular comment of yours that gets under my skin:

Giving the baby up for adoption to a loving family who is able to afford to give this child a safe car to ride in, good medical coverage, a warm safe home and a mom that can stay home is so unselfish and brave.

I guess this means that 1) if you do not stay home with your child you cannot be a good mother; 2) if you do not have a car, you cannot be a good mother; 3) if you do not have good medical coverage, you cannot be a good mother; 4) if you are not part of a 'loving family', by which I read into- married, you cannot be a good mother.

Stunning, insulting, outdated, and generally, hurtful.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

You put that so well. I was absolutely astonished to read Marigold's post. Kind of hurt as well. Yes I am married, but we don't have lots of money, new cars, tons of material possessions....but God chose to bless us with a child anyway. I didn't know that there was an income guideline on having a baby So anyone making less than $40,000/year should give up their child? Come on now, shouldn't we be teaching our kids that money isn't the most important thing?

Jen, if I'd waited until I reached Marigold's high standards of parenthood I wouldn't have had almost 18 years with the most beautiful, kind, caring, thoughtful child that was ever born. Children need love, food, security, warmth and clothing not all the fancy clobber that "adults" seem to think is important

[racing_gurl07]

I didnt mean to make this thread to start any agurements or anything. I just wanted some advice so the babys father isnt in the picture. Yes i know most of you dont know the whole situation, but let me explain so you can understand better....

The father of the baby, lets call him T, well T...when i first met him he drank ALL the time. spent all of our money on acholol, we were broke...and we worked our butts off, but every penny he made he had to buy beer or whatever. About 4-5 nights a week he was Drunk, full out wasted. i wasnt pregnant at the time so i delt with it. When we found out we were pregnant...i made him promise that he would try and stop, well atleast cut down, but never did and never did. At that time we had to move in with his dad, I only lived there for about 2 weeks. What really set me off was...i was gone for about 5 days with my family i come back and he said he has been durnk for 2 days straight..well thats just great. and about 3 nights after that, he went out and bought more..he told me i could of told him to not buy it, but its not MY problem..its his..he has to deal with it. but anywy..that night he got REAL drunnk and was yelling to himself (by the way his 6 year old daughter was in the house sleeping) I was upstairs sleeping, but couldnt because of his screeming to himself. Me and his sister left...i came back and told him i had enough so i got my stuff around 1 am and just left..i drove 2 hours to my parents. So thats that. I ve been living here at my rents for about 2 months now, i have a job (i dont make much but its money) im saving money up to get my own place, I am going to school either this fall or next spring, but that is all covered. With living with my parents they support me...i dont have to pay rent, food or anything, just have to clean up after myself. And after the baby is born its going to be the same way if i live with them. And if i dont live with them, they willstill help me anyway they can.

so anyway....thats my story about the Ex. and yes i did meet someone new, but he does support me, he hleps me out anyway i can. he comes to the doc appts with me, he knows hes not the real dad but id radther have him there than the real dad.....

Hope my story is clear now

[Cataholic]

Your story is your story, your business. Hope it wasn't anything I said that made you feel a need to explain. If you say the guy is a jerk, then, he is a jerk, and for now, can sit on the side lines. Doesn't mean he can't have a relationship, shouldn't have a relationship, can't change, won't change. For now, your numbero uno (did I spell that right? LOL) priority is Y.O.U. That is, up until the baby is born. Then, it is B.A.B.Y. Followed by you. Hard to say how a newbie male will fit into all that. If you can make it work, great.

I would stay with your 'rents as long as you can, and just chill out. Time has a way of showing us alot. Good luck, and know that you CAN do this, and WOW what a freaking blessing it is. Even though I have only been a parent 2.75 years ( ), I can tell you that time has been like no other. I might just about explode when I have ten years under my belt!

[Vela]

While being a heavy drinker is not a good thing, you also have to think of the child. Good or bad, this man is the father. That child needs a relationship with its father, unless that man is actually harming the child. No drinking isn't good, but a child needs to know its parents. It can severely mess a child up not knowing who the father is, as they get older. You need to try to have some sort of viable relationship to this person. You liked him enough at one time to get pregnant, so you need to give him a chance to be a father, even if you don't like him. It IS his right, as the father, to have the chance to be one unless he is harming that child. I know you think it's easier and better for you with him gone, but it's not only your choice and it's not only about you now. I think a child also has the right to know who their parents are, even if they aren't good parents, the child should at least know who they are. I am definitely NOT saying this in a rude way at all.

Hopefully in the future you can manage to have civil conversations with the actual father of the child and get along peacefully for that child's sake. It is not okay to cut him out of the child's life because you don't like him. I completely understand about his drinking, but not at least knowing who their real father is and trying to forge some sort of relationship, can really really cause problems for kids as they grow up.

I agree with Johanna's post above too, you and that baby are the #1 priority, but you do need to make allowances for a relationship in the future with the father, if he chooses to want to try to be one.