Brand new JOKES Thread!

[BCollie_Kelly]

Liver & Cheese
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, a little Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine."

[Dorothy39]

says Dorothy39!!!

[BCollie_Kelly]

Seven reasons NOT to mess with little children

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father
and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?"
One little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you dosomething wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Mommy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little
girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher
reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically
impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to --heck--?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

The children had all been photographed and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer, or That's Michael, He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,
She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun
made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is
watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a
note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

The moon??

Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other,"What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend."You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
They began to argue when they come upon another drunk.
They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument?Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining.Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and said,"Sorry, I don't live around here." ************************************************** ****************
A pun

What did Cinderella say when the photo shop lost her negatives? "Some day, my prints will come".