Brand new JOKES Thread!

[Kfamr]

Sorry this post is so long. It has two jokes in one.

Drive Thru Fun

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

May a horrible rash be lashed upon the person who created that!
Surprisingly, a lot of people do some of these things to us (specifically, #'s 2, 10, 13, 17, and 19. I blame it on their stupidity.

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's lockerroom. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause I dropped it in the toilet last week.
OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, ! "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning"
SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He pickedup the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy calledout." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy'svoice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

[xcolbi]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

[GreyhoundGirl]

hahaha

[cassiesmom]

I'm so surprised this is not already on the Jokes Thread! I'll put it here. Dr. Goodnow, I have to confess I was checking out of the Jewel with Purina cat food on the belt, and I could not stop laughing... I'm sure the people in line with me thought I was bonkers.
----------------

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one!! And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code!

Dachshund:
You know I can't even reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle:
I'll just blow in the border collie's ear and he'll do it! By the time he's finished rewiring my house, my nails will be dry!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Shih-tzu:
Puh-leese dah-ling, let the staff do it.

Labrador:
Oh, me! Me! Pleeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Irish Setter:
Huh?

Yorkie:
I won't be able to see my stunning self if that light bulb doesn't get changed.

Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Basset Hound:
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero taco bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:
Can someone else get it? You see, I've got this hangover, and ...
Pointer:
I see it, there it is, it's right there...

Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheepdog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

German Shepherd:
I'll change it just as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to ensure that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?


Cat:
Pets do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

[cassiesmom]

q: What do you call a blonde standing in a closet?
a: the 1987 World Hide-and-Seek Champion

(sorry blondes, my very blonde, straight-A student niece collects clean blonde jokes! this one cracked me up!)

[Dorothy39]

[QUOTE=cassiesmom]I'm so surprised this is not already on the Jokes Thread! I'll put it here. Dr. Goodnow, I have to confess I was checking out of the Jewel with Purina cat food on the belt, and I could not stop laughing... I'm sure the people in line with me thought I was bonkers.
----------------
Yes!!!! I do remember that check out line remark , and "Yes" , I received the same story in an e-mail today.(How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb )

Here's one for Lut~

Two birds are sitting up in a tree, watching the ground below.

A small turtle has worked his way back toward the tree trunk and begins to scale the mighty Oak , one more time.

Of course, the turtle falls back to the ground, yet, is determined to make his way back up to the upper branches of the tree. This goes on for well over an hour.

And then, one of the birds says to the other:


"I think it's time to tell him that he's adopted"~

[dogzr#1]

I thought this was so funny! It's kinda bad, but still funny.




10 Worst Company URLs
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

Men are like

Bank Accounts.Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Blenders.You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Chocolate Bars.Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Coffee.The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Commercials.You can't believe a word they say.

Computers.Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Coolers.Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Copiers.You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Curling Irons.They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Government Bonds.They take so long to mature.

Horoscopes.They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Lava Lamps.Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Mascara.They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Parking Spots.The good ones are already taken and the ones that areleft are either handicapped or extremely small.

Popcorn.They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

[cassiesmom]

Q: What do you give a 900-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!

[cassiesmom]

I heard this story on the radio today - made me laugh aloud...

A man was outside mowing his lawn when the mower stopped working. He borrowed his neighbor's mower to finish the lawn. In spite of his wife's repeated requests, he never quite got around to taking the mower to the repair shop.

His wife, frustrated with the shaggy lawn, decided to try to prove her point. She took her small sewing scissors, went outside and started clipping, blade by blade. When the man arrived, he said, "Honey, what are you doing?"

"Cutting the grass," she answered. He turned, went in the house and returned in a few minutes with an old toothbrush.

"While you're out here," he asked, handing her the toothbrush, "do you think you could sweep the driveway?"

His doctors advise that he will be able to walk again, but always with a limp.