Brand new JOKES Thread!

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

President Bush addressed a gathering of the
American Indian Nation in New York State. He
spoke for an hour on his future plans for
increasing the Native American's standard of
living. He affirmed that as President he had
supported every Indian issue that came before
him. The President was vague on details of his
plan, although he was enthusiastic about future
ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of his speech, the chief
presented the President with a plaque inscribed
with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle."
President Bush then proudly departed in his
motorcade, waving to the crowds. The press
closed in on the chief:

News reporter: "Chief, could you tell us why you
selected that Indian name for President Bush?"

Chief: "Walking Eagle is a name given to a bird
so full of crap it cannot fly."

[AvaJoy]

Two stray female cats were chatting under the street light about what they would like for Christmas. One said she would like three kittens, and the other replied that she would like four kittens. A tom cat strutted down the alley, singing "Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus . . . "!

[theterrierman]

There was a farmer who had a beautiful show horse, its most striking feature being its bright blue eyes. It was always in demand for stud service, the horse made the farmer a small fortune. However, one day, about 2 days before the most prestigious show of the year, where his horse would be competing against the creme-de-la-creme, the horse's beautiful blue eyes went crossed. So the farmer called up his nearest veterinarian, who was located over 2 hours away. He says "my horse's eyes are crossed, and theres a major show in a couple days," so the vet comes down to the farmer's ranch. The vet says "grab me a hose, cut it to about a 4 foot length," so the guy brings over about 4 foot of hose. The farmer shoves 2 foot of the hose up the horses arse, and blows as hard as he can. The horses eyes immediately go straight. The vet charges the farmer $400 for the trip. So, about 4 months later, the horses eyes cross again. The farmer goes to his shed, grabs a length of hose, shoves it in the horse, and blows like a tuba player. Nothing. So, he calls his two very dumb but strong farmhands over. The first one blows as hard as he can in the pipe, the horses eyes move a little, then go right back crossed. Next, the second, and even stronger farmhand walks over, grabs the hose, pulls it out of the horses butt, reverses it and shoves it back in. Then, he starts blowing on it as hard as he can. The farmer and the hand are just about puking. The farmer finally says "dude, what the heck are you doing?" and the farmhand replies "well, you think I want YOUR germs?"

[GreyhoundGirl]

lol- some of these are REALLY good. lol...

[GreyhoundGirl]

Why is it that humans feel sorry of orphaned children, but rarely, if ever, feel sorry for their parents?

You can pick your noes, and you can pick your friends but you can't pick your friends noes!

You know you're in trouble when your feet smell and your noes runs. (love that one)

[GreyhoundGirl]

This one is better.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

[GreyhoundGirl]

I love this one. Maybe because I'm naturally blonde.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?
A: So brunettes can understand them.

hehehe

[GreyhoundGirl]

Y2K

Dear Boss,

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.

At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.

In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

[GreyhoundGirl]

Last one: I like this one. LOL

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. -- S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.

[theterrierman]

There's these two guys standing by a huge hole in the ground having a beer. It's too dark to tell how deep it is, so one guy throws a rock in the hole, and waits for the sound of it hitting the bottom. Nothing. So, the second guy throws a full can of beer down the hole, and waits for the sound of it hitting. Still nothing. So the first guy grabs a railroad tie, and pushes it down the hole. Nothing happens still. About 10 seconds later, this tiny Yorkshire Terrier comes running faster than a car, and jumps into the hole. Well, the guys are stunned. About a minute later, this old scottish guy comes over, and in a thick accent, he asks "have ya seen ma weeeeeee yorkshire terrier?" To which one of the guys replies "ya, he just ran like hades past us and jumped down the hole over there." The scotsman replies "nah, that wasn't him, he's 15 years old and can barely walk, and anyway, I tied him to a big friggin railroad tie"

[gini]

I asked the Lord to tell me

Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer "yes."

He told me to get off my fanny
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into...
I was into it all night.<>

Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.

[GreyhoundGirl]

lol Gini

[DrKym]

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog . . . . . . . . Duh! I wanted to say..."here's your sign!". but instead....

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it . I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me...

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door

[GreyhoundGirl]

Rofl!!!!!!!!!!! :d :d

[Dorothy39]

Goodnow~

Laughing too hard to type~~~( call 911, call 911)