Brand new JOKES Thread!

[cassiesmom]

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? Drool. (This one never fails to crack me up)

How can you tell when a trombonist has a steady job? He's got a Domino's Pizza sign on his car.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the noise.

(sorry pittie lovers but I sing alto and this is my favorite soprano joke)
Do you know the difference between a pit bull and an operatic soprano? Lipstick.

One more:
A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! Frightened, the student yelled at the guide, "The drums have stopped; what happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said: "Bass solo."

[dogzr#1]

Sorry this post is so long. It has two jokes in one.

Drive Thru Fun

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.






Manisms

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

[borzoimom]

15 Things To Do At Walmart


1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[Kfamr]

Sorry this post is so long. It has two jokes in one.

Drive Thru Fun

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

May a horrible rash be lashed upon the person who created that!
Surprisingly, a lot of people do some of these things to us (specifically, #'s 2, 10, 13, 17, and 19. I blame it on their stupidity.

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's lockerroom. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause I dropped it in the toilet last week.
OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, ! "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning"
SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He pickedup the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy calledout." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy'svoice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

[xcolbi]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

[GreyhoundGirl]

hahaha

[cassiesmom]

I'm so surprised this is not already on the Jokes Thread! I'll put it here. Dr. Goodnow, I have to confess I was checking out of the Jewel with Purina cat food on the belt, and I could not stop laughing... I'm sure the people in line with me thought I was bonkers.
----------------

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one!! And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code!

Dachshund:
You know I can't even reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle:
I'll just blow in the border collie's ear and he'll do it! By the time he's finished rewiring my house, my nails will be dry!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Shih-tzu:
Puh-leese dah-ling, let the staff do it.

Labrador:
Oh, me! Me! Pleeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Irish Setter:
Huh?

Yorkie:
I won't be able to see my stunning self if that light bulb doesn't get changed.

Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Basset Hound:
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero taco bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:
Can someone else get it? You see, I've got this hangover, and ...
Pointer:
I see it, there it is, it's right there...

Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheepdog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

German Shepherd:
I'll change it just as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to ensure that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?


Cat:
Pets do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

Men are like

Bank Accounts.Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Blenders.You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Chocolate Bars.Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Coffee.The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Commercials.You can't believe a word they say.

Computers.Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Coolers.Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Copiers.You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Curling Irons.They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Government Bonds.They take so long to mature.

Horoscopes.They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Lava Lamps.Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Mascara.They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Parking Spots.The good ones are already taken and the ones that areleft are either handicapped or extremely small.

Popcorn.They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

[cassiesmom]

I'm a nurse ... these always give me a smile!

You might be a nurse if:
-When someone asks to borrow a pen, you always have two or three on hand.
-When watching daytime TV, you throw something at the screen when the nurses do nothing but flirt with the doctors and answer the telephones.
-When watching prime-time TV, you throw something at the screen when the characters say or do something you know would never happen in the real world.
-You know what the July syndrome is.
-When waiting in line at the supermarket, you find yourself checking out other customers' arm veins.
-Your bladder is the size of the water tank on a Winnebago.
-You screen your calls on your day off, in case it's someone from the hospital calling to ask you to work.
-When using the sink in a public washroom, you scrub your hands for a full minute and turn off the faucet using your elbows.
-You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock.
-You know by heart the phone numbers of every late-night food delivery place in town.
-Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is really no big deal to you.
-You can tell the pharmacist more about the drugs he's dispensing than he can tell you.
-In your favorite dream, you leave a grand mess at a patient's bedside, and tell a doctor to clean it up.

[cassiesmom]

What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in the kitty. (Groan...)

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. I am not a person. So the question is not how many cats it takes to change the light bulb, but how long before I can expect light?

[gini]

Who is more honest with God than children?




UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon.

One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.

[GreyhoundGirl]

The one about the man and the homeless bum

The homeless bum asks the man for $2,

HM) May I have $2 please, your genorosity would never be forgotten.

Man) Would you use it for booze?

HM) no, I swear I won't

Man) Would you spend it gambling?

HM) No, I swear.

Man) Will you come home with me? I want my wife to see what happens to a man who doesn't gamble and drink.