THE HOUSE OF ORANGE
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right
side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at
the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo
and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at
the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out
of this highly dangerous situation?
If you do not know, see answer below.
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Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round
Banned
Rofl!!!!
Registered User
I don't think I'm going to survive reading this thread( eyes are stinging from the tears)
The Old Man and the Parrot did it!!!
I've never heard that one before !!!!!!!!
Rest in Peace Corinna~ Well Never Forget You~
I"VE BEEN FROSTED
The real Mrs. Depp
Consumer Labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods that can be found today being sold in stores nationwide:
1. On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(But..., that's the only time I have to work on my hair)
2. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how. . . ?)
3. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's "just" a suggestion)
4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Oops, too late!)
5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(Hmm . . . .)
6. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)
7. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those
forklifts.)
8. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope)
9. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to underwater?)
10. On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
11. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: Contains nuts."
(NEWS FLASH)
12. On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)
13. On a Swedish chain saw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? . . . Good grief!)
14. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:
"Do not use on food."
(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK, honey, just grab the Palmolive!
Sparrabeth- Never say we Die!
No matter what Ted and Terry wrote, Jack and Liz love each other.
Silly trolls pt's 4 ppl.
Hahha oh wow. Those little comments under them njust made them that much more funnier!Originally Posted by dogzr#1
Registered User
Uh oh.....
A guy goes to a super-maket and notices a beautiful blonde waving at
him. She says, "Hello!"
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her
from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
She replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
He thinks back to the only time he was ever unfaithful to his wife.
He says, "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I
laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in it?"
She said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
I miss you enormously Sydney, Maya, Inka & ZazouBe happy there at the Rainbow Bridge
Registered User
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? Drool. (This one never fails to crack me up)
How can you tell when a trombonist has a steady job? He's got a Domino's Pizza sign on his car.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the noise.
(sorry pittie lovers but I sing alto and this is my favorite soprano joke)
Do you know the difference between a pit bull and an operatic soprano? Lipstick.
One more:
A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."
Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! Frightened, the student yelled at the guide, "The drums have stopped; what happens now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said: "Bass solo."
Praying for peace in the Middle East, Ukraine, and around the world.
I've been Boo'd ... right off the stage!
Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!
"That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas
"We consume our tomorrows fretting about our yesterdays." -- Persius, first century Roman poet
Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678
The real Mrs. Depp
Sorry this post is so long. It has two jokes in one.
Drive Thru Fun
1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
Manisms
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.
Sparrabeth- Never say we Die!
No matter what Ted and Terry wrote, Jack and Liz love each other.
Banned
15 Things To Do At Walmart
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Registered User
I'm a nurse ... these always give me a smile!
You might be a nurse if:
-When someone asks to borrow a pen, you always have two or three on hand.
-When watching daytime TV, you throw something at the screen when the nurses do nothing but flirt with the doctors and answer the telephones.
-When watching prime-time TV, you throw something at the screen when the characters say or do something you know would never happen in the real world.
-You know what the July syndrome is.
-When waiting in line at the supermarket, you find yourself checking out other customers' arm veins.
-Your bladder is the size of the water tank on a Winnebago.
-You screen your calls on your day off, in case it's someone from the hospital calling to ask you to work.
-When using the sink in a public washroom, you scrub your hands for a full minute and turn off the faucet using your elbows.
-You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock.
-You know by heart the phone numbers of every late-night food delivery place in town.
-Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is really no big deal to you.
-You can tell the pharmacist more about the drugs he's dispensing than he can tell you.
-In your favorite dream, you leave a grand mess at a patient's bedside, and tell a doctor to clean it up.
Praying for peace in the Middle East, Ukraine, and around the world.
I've been Boo'd ... right off the stage!
Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!
"That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas
"We consume our tomorrows fretting about our yesterdays." -- Persius, first century Roman poet
Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678
Registered User
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in the kitty. (Groan...)
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. I am not a person. So the question is not how many cats it takes to change the light bulb, but how long before I can expect light?
Praying for peace in the Middle East, Ukraine, and around the world.
I've been Boo'd ... right off the stage!
Aaahh, I have been defrosted! Thank you, Bonny and Asiel!
Brrrr, I've been Frosted! Thank you, Asiel and Pomtzu!
"That's the power of kittens (and puppies too, of course): They can reduce us to quivering masses of Jell-O in about two seconds flat and make us like it. Good thing they don't have opposable thumbs or they'd surely have taken over the world by now." -- Paul Lukas
"We consume our tomorrows fretting about our yesterdays." -- Persius, first century Roman poet
Cassie's Catster page: http://www.catster.com/cats/448678
THE HOUSE OF ORANGE
Who is more honest with God than children?
UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
Gotten over "it"
The one about the man and the homeless bum
The homeless bum asks the man for $2,
HM) May I have $2 please, your genorosity would never be forgotten.
Man) Would you use it for booze?
HM) no, I swear I won't
Man) Would you spend it gambling?
HM) No, I swear.
Man) Will you come home with me? I want my wife to see what happens to a man who doesn't gamble and drink.
STILL AVAILABLE BY E-MAIL
2 Cats & 2 Horses!
On a chicken roll bag...
INSTRUCTIONS (which are on the bag!)
1. Take off wrapper and throw away bag .
Okay, I did that. Now what?
On a Razor scooter...
Caution: This object moves when in use.
Hitotsu no gengo wa keshite jūbun de wa nai. - One language is never enough.
Registered User
After six years of trying to start a family, a couple was finally
blessed with the birth of its first child. The wife told her husband
to put an announcement in the local paper. When he returned from the
newspaper office, she asked him what details he had included. "Just
the name, address and date," he said. "How much did it cost?" "About
six hundred and eighty dollars," he replied. "Why so much?" the
stunned woman exclaimed. "Well, after I wrote out the announcement,
the clerk asked me how many insertions, and I said four times a week
for six years."
I miss you enormously Sydney, Maya, Inka & Zazou
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