Brand new JOKES Thread!

[dogzr#1]

Consumer Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods that can be found today being sold in stores nationwide:

1. On Sears hairdryer:

"Do not use while sleeping."

(But..., that's the only time I have to work on my hair)



2. On a bar of Dial soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(And that would be how. . . ?)



3. On some Swanson frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestions: Defrost."

(But it's "just" a suggestion)



4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):

"Do not turn upside down."

(Oops, too late!)



5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

(Hmm . . . .)



6. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

"Do not iron clothes on body."

(But wouldn't this save even more time?)



7. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this

medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents

if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those

forklifts.)



8. On Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(One would hope)



9. On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(As opposed to underwater?)



10. On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use."

(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)



11. On Sainsbury's peanuts:

"Warning: Contains nuts."

(NEWS FLASH)



12. On a child's Superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)



13. On a Swedish chain saw:

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."

(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? . . . Good grief!)



14. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:

"Do not use on food."

(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK, honey, just grab the Palmolive!

[buttercup132]

Consumer Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods that can be found today being sold in stores nationwide:

1. On Sears hairdryer:

"Do not use while sleeping."

(But..., that's the only time I have to work on my hair)



2. On a bar of Dial soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(And that would be how. . . ?)



3. On some Swanson frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestions: Defrost."

(But it's "just" a suggestion)



4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):

"Do not turn upside down."

(Oops, too late!)



5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

(Hmm . . . .)



6. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

"Do not iron clothes on body."

(But wouldn't this save even more time?)



7. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this

medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents

if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those

forklifts.)



8. On Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(One would hope)



9. On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(As opposed to underwater?)



10. On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use."

(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)



11. On Sainsbury's peanuts:

"Warning: Contains nuts."

(NEWS FLASH)



12. On a child's Superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)



13. On a Swedish chain saw:

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."

(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? . . . Good grief!)



14. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:

"Do not use on food."

(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK, honey, just grab the Palmolive!

Hahha oh wow. Those little comments under them njust made them that much more funnier!

[JALB]

Consumer Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods that can be found today being sold in stores nationwide:

1. On Sears hairdryer:

"Do not use while sleeping."

(But..., that's the only time I have to work on my hair)



2. On a bar of Dial soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(And that would be how. . . ?)



3. On some Swanson frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestions: Defrost."

(But it's "just" a suggestion)



4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):

"Do not turn upside down."

(Oops, too late!)



5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

(Hmm . . . .)



6. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

"Do not iron clothes on body."

(But wouldn't this save even more time?)



7. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this

medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents

if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those

forklifts.)



8. On Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(One would hope)



9. On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(As opposed to underwater?)



10. On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use."

(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)



11. On Sainsbury's peanuts:

"Warning: Contains nuts."

(NEWS FLASH)



12. On a child's Superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)



13. On a Swedish chain saw:

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."

(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? . . . Good grief!)



14. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:

"Do not use on food."

(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK, honey, just grab the Palmolive!

On a chicken roll bag...

INSTRUCTIONS (which are on the bag!)

1. Take off wrapper and throw away bag .

Okay, I did that. Now what?

On a Razor scooter...

Caution: This object moves when in use.

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

After six years of trying to start a family, a couple was finally
blessed with the birth of its first child. The wife told her husband
to put an announcement in the local paper. When he returned from the
newspaper office, she asked him what details he had included. "Just
the name, address and date," he said. "How much did it cost?" "About
six hundred and eighty dollars," he replied. "Why so much?" the
stunned woman exclaimed. "Well, after I wrote out the announcement,
the clerk asked me how many insertions, and I said four times a week
for six years."

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

President Bush addressed a gathering of the
American Indian Nation in New York State. He
spoke for an hour on his future plans for
increasing the Native American's standard of
living. He affirmed that as President he had
supported every Indian issue that came before
him. The President was vague on details of his
plan, although he was enthusiastic about future
ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of his speech, the chief
presented the President with a plaque inscribed
with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle."
President Bush then proudly departed in his
motorcade, waving to the crowds. The press
closed in on the chief:

News reporter: "Chief, could you tell us why you
selected that Indian name for President Bush?"

Chief: "Walking Eagle is a name given to a bird
so full of crap it cannot fly."

[AvaJoy]

Two stray female cats were chatting under the street light about what they would like for Christmas. One said she would like three kittens, and the other replied that she would like four kittens. A tom cat strutted down the alley, singing "Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus . . . "!

[theterrierman]

There was a farmer who had a beautiful show horse, its most striking feature being its bright blue eyes. It was always in demand for stud service, the horse made the farmer a small fortune. However, one day, about 2 days before the most prestigious show of the year, where his horse would be competing against the creme-de-la-creme, the horse's beautiful blue eyes went crossed. So the farmer called up his nearest veterinarian, who was located over 2 hours away. He says "my horse's eyes are crossed, and theres a major show in a couple days," so the vet comes down to the farmer's ranch. The vet says "grab me a hose, cut it to about a 4 foot length," so the guy brings over about 4 foot of hose. The farmer shoves 2 foot of the hose up the horses arse, and blows as hard as he can. The horses eyes immediately go straight. The vet charges the farmer $400 for the trip. So, about 4 months later, the horses eyes cross again. The farmer goes to his shed, grabs a length of hose, shoves it in the horse, and blows like a tuba player. Nothing. So, he calls his two very dumb but strong farmhands over. The first one blows as hard as he can in the pipe, the horses eyes move a little, then go right back crossed. Next, the second, and even stronger farmhand walks over, grabs the hose, pulls it out of the horses butt, reverses it and shoves it back in. Then, he starts blowing on it as hard as he can. The farmer and the hand are just about puking. The farmer finally says "dude, what the heck are you doing?" and the farmhand replies "well, you think I want YOUR germs?"

[GreyhoundGirl]

lol- some of these are REALLY good. lol...

[cassiesmom]

Three kids rang the neighbor's doorbell. When she answered, the oldest one said, "Mrs. Johnson, we're on a scavenger hunt. We'll win a dollar if we come back with three grains of wheat, a piece of used carbon paper, and a pork chop bone. Can you help us?"

Mrs. Johnson answered, "My goodness, kids! Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."