Brand new JOKES Thread!

[lvpets2002]

Boudreaux & Band-Aids

Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux..
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile..
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step..
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed on his rump..
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painfull..
Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding..
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood..
He thin hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room..
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux said "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?
"Well", Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror..

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-hoo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your ass, leaving those coarse ass hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-hoo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

[borzoimom]

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh bad...........

[GreyhoundGirl]

In the Christmas mood!

If athletes get athletes foot then what do astronauts (sp?) get?

Mistletoe!

[xcolbi]

Dog Fight (Sorry if this offends anyone, I thought it was funny )
The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."


A Cat's Diary:
Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.

I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.


Three Racehorses:
Three racehorses were standing in a stable bragging to each other one day. The first horse boasts "I've been in 59 races and I've won 35 of them." "That's nothing," says the second horse. "I've raced 97 times, and I've won 78 of them!" The third horse joins in: "Well, I've raced 122 times and I've won 102!" Just then, the horses hear a voice say, "I've got you all beat!" The horses look down and sees a greyhound. "I've raced over 200 times, and I have NEVER lost!" The horses look at the dog in amazement. One of them says "How about that! A talking dog!"


The Old Man And The Parrot: (This one is kind of bad )
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

[jujuboy]

I like the old man and the parrot ...and here i am thinking, gee i better hold back on any jokes that might offend or be a little too rude.. ..they are quite funny...

[gini]

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right
side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at
the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo
and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at
the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out
of this highly dangerous situation?


If you do not know, see answer below.
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Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round

[BCollie_Kelly]

Liver & Cheese
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, a little Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine."

[redbird]

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and

Thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new

CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.



On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a

Wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that

He meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a

Week?"



A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a

Week. Why?"



The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came

Back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's

Four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."



Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and

Asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"



From across the room a voice said,



"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."