Brand new JOKES Thread!

[jackmilliesmom]

Heres one got it a while back but made me laugh - sorry if it offends someone but I am catholic and I still laughed...



A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the
Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!

[jackmilliesmom]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game,

he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

[jackmilliesmom]

Will look up a couple more later busy at work right now - sorry

[lvpets2002]

Reading Test

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is forty cat
11. This is seconds cat

Now read each line
Now go to the third word & read straight down..

[lvpets2002]

Boudreaux & Band-Aids

Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux..
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile..
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step..
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed on his rump..
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painfull..
Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding..
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood..
He thin hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room..
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux said "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?
"Well", Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror..

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-hoo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your ass, leaving those coarse ass hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-hoo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

[borzoimom]

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh bad...........