serious concerns about my daughter....

[luvofallhorses]

I am so, so sorry, Carole. (((hugs))) you and your daughter will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[GreyhoundGirl]

I just found out: %72 of females ( all ages ) are the RIGHT weight, 59 % of them considered themselves "fat".

It is so sad the # of teens that consider and even attempt suicide. ( so sad I won't even post it. )

Once again, I am so sorry this is happening to you.

[Toby's my baby]

I am so sorry. I agree with everything previously suggested. I was pretty sad this last year, not depressed, but I sure felt like it. I too, messaged a stranger on the internet, a man, about 4 years older than me. I told him EVERYTHING, he always listened to me, and gave me advice. Though I haven't talked to him in real life, only through messages, I feel that he probably saved my life. He was a huge help to me, and always helped me hold my head up a little higher.

Last year, I had boy trouble too, a relationship of mine was broken up after a year and three months, I didn't see it comming at all, and I was devastated. Soon after, I started dating a guy 2 years older than me, I thought he was great, but everyone EVERYONE, was mad at me, and I lost all my friends. I realized who my true friends were at that moment in time.

Right now, I am the happiest I have ever been. I'm starting over, a new school, new friends, and even a new boyfriend. I'm so happy. Maybe something new in your daughters life will help?

I still find it terribly hard to talk to my mom, even though she says that I can talk to her about anything, and she won't get upset. Taking things from the friend side, and not a motherly side is a great way. My mom still to this day doesn't know anything about me. I never tell her if I get a new boyfriend, or if a boyfriend breaks up with me. She never has known about me being "depressed". To tell you the truth, I actually WANTED professional help. I ended up having an anxiety attack last Febuary, which was very very scary. A few days after the attack, my dad brought me to the doctor because I was haveing trouble breathing. The doc suggested getting me professional help, because he thought I was stressed out or depressed. My dad refused to take me to a doctor, because he didn't want to think that there was anything wrong.

Your daughter is going to be FURIOUS with you, I'd expect the worst. I don't want to lie to you, I would be too, being a teenager and all. Just tell her that you are only trying to do what is best for her, and that you are sorry you didn't already know about all this. DO NOT get mad at her, at all, listen to her, she will talk when she is ready. Whatever you do, don't tell her you know what she is going through, that is probably the worst things to say, because truthfully, no parent does. The world us teens are growing up in now, is so different than what you grew up in, it moves at 100 miles an hour.

I would suggest reading a book, you don't have to read it before you talk to her, just read it starting as soon as possible. In my opinion, it is the best book I've ever read. Being a teenager, I think it hits a bullseye on everything we go through in todays world, I'm going to have my mom read it when I am done. It is called: Reviving Ophelia - Saving The Selves of Adolescent Girls by Mary Pipher, Ph.D.

[kuhio98]

carole ~ I'm so sorry. I've never had children either, but I think counseling is necessary. This is bigger than the both of you and needs a 3rd party with knowledge and experience about the subject. Please don't take it personally that she didn't confide in you. This is about her. Her needing to hide how she really feels about herself. She probably didn't want to worry you so she kept it to herself. That's what kids do. And I don't know if "confront" is the right word. Just show your love and concern for her and tell (not ask) her that you guys are going for counseling. The therapist might want to see you both sometimes and then individually. If she feels confortable with the therapist, she will tell them everything that she's been holding in. You might call the counselors at her school (you don't have to give your name if you are worried they will "label" your daughter) and tell them why you are looking for a therapist and see if they have any recommendations. You may find that this is much wider spread than you realized and they may have dealt with it before.

Fingers and paws crossed that with help, she will slowly and surely come to love herself. Thank goodness you found out before it got worse.

[CathyBogart]

My best friend in high school was a cutter, and I think she would have been better off if she had had a mom like you, Carole. Her mom was so freaked out by it that she had my friend institutionalized for months! When she came out of that she was so much worse off. Knowing her as well as I did, I think that if her mom had sat down and talked to her about it and then sent her to rpivate counseling, and possibly counseling for both of them, things could have improved instead of going downhill.

Good thoughts for the times to come, I'm sure you'll do the right thing, whatever that is, but it won't be easy.

[catnapper]

Oh Carol, what a truly surprising thing to find. I don't know what to suggest since I've never had those feelings myself nor did my girls (that I know of). I do hope you are able to talk to her and get her to open up. Know we're here if you need ot talk!

[caseysmom]

I am so sorry Carole, unfortunately it is almost "cool" for the kids to cut themselves it seems so it is hard to tell who is saying that to be cool and who is in serious danger. Being a teen is a hard confusing time, your daughter has always reminded my of my youngest who is the easy one for me so I am pretty surprised.

I would set up an appt for some family counseling, it will surely help all of you to at least open the lines of communication.

[Laura's Babies]

You need to get her help ASAP! The key is in getting them help as soon as you find out. Waiting could cost you her life.

You should, without alarm, let her know that you know and do not approve and would like her to stop because YOU LOVE HER and that she needs help and you will get her that help... She does NOT need to know HOW you found out, you may need that source again so keep that to yourself.

[Soapets]

I am so sorry to read this news. Start praying immediately that God will keep a protective shield around her, and that He will put the right people in her path, every step of the way, to guide her in the direction He wants her life to go.

Next, I think it is very important that you let her know that you are concerned about her, and that you love her. Let her know you want to be there for her and won't be judgemental. Tell her that you want to help her find someone neutral she can talk to, i.e. a counselor. Also tell her that these kinds of thoughts and feelings are oftentimes associated with a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be helped with medication. Let her know there is help for her, and that if she's afraid, deep down inside, that it is natural to be afraid when these kinds of thoughts and feelings come and seemingly can't be controlled (even if she doesn't want to admit it).

Make an appointment with her doctor and ask her doctor for a referral to a counselor. She may also benefit greatly from antidepressant medication. I should have been on antidepressant medication starting when I was about 10 years old, looking back, but didn't get on them until I was 29. The difference they made was amazing. But counseling is very important, also.

I would also like to suggest the book "The Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie Omartian. There is a workbook to go along with it. It will help YOU, because it will guide you in helping your daughter, through prayer, whether or not she is aware of it and/or wants it.

I hope this helps some. In the meantime, I will keep both you and your daughter in my prayers.

Deb

[rg_girlca]

Carole, I agree that this is something that you cannot ignore. It's funny though that you found this under her bed. Usually something like this is hidden away in the back of a child's closet. Did she not think that you would find it by cleaning under there, or does she do her own cleaning. Maybe this was her way of crying out for help, who knows. This is just my opinion.

After you talk with your husband, you will both have to decide how to approach Melissa about this. I know how easy it will be to go into this with both barrels loaded, but calmness is the best approach. Let her know that you were just curious as to what it was and just took a peek at it, but then realized the seriousness of it and how it made you feel. She might be very angry with you for prying into her business and feel that she does not need any councelling, but you and your husband will have to stand firm on what your decision will be on this.

I pray that in the end, everything will turn out for your family.

[carole]

Thank you everyone, your replies have been most interesting offering me several different opinions and options, firstly in answer to a question no Melissa is not overweight, she has a little puppy fat around her tummy but seriously she is quite a slim long build like her dad,and she is not short like me either,counselling does appear a very good option, and yes i wondered about her hiding place, seriously it was not what you would call hidden was it,she does clean her own room now and then, but she knows i can go in there any time at all.

She does tell me about her meeting a new boy and has a new boyfriend at the moment, not that they go out on dates, but talk on the phone etc,she had one who dumped her and she was as she told me in love with him, there is some stuff in there about him, but i figured she had moved on, don't worry i will not tell her i know how she feels, because i don't really, i have never had the desire to cut myself in any way at all, i do wonder if it is the in thing with her group of friends, i had noticed a while back one friend with cuts on her legs, i approached her about it and she came up with some answer that i accepted, but now i think about it and have to wonder.

I know being a teen is a hard time in life, but being a parent is pretty darn hard too,however i have the years upon her in my life to give her advice and show her how much i love and care for her.

I am so saddened to read how she feels about herself, i always thought she had a good self image, she sure used to have,i guess becoming a teen changed all that.

Thank you also to the teens who responded, i was really hoping for your output, some of you have been there yourself and can give me a different perspective on it all.

[Karen]

Another link for you to read, Carole - http://www.selfinjury.com/sifacts.htm

The first link I posted up above is a "what to do/what not to do" link for family or friends.

This one is more general information, both sites have a lot of information.

[Iilo]

Hi Carole,

As a recovering cutter, I'm sorry to hear that you found this out about your daughter. Depending on how long she's been doing it and how addicted she is (this has a lot to do with how predisposed to addiction she is), you both may have a long hard road ahead of you.

I considered being a cutter, but never did it, because I didn't want to get addicted to self-inflicting pain on myself.

I'm glad you didn't start cutting, Bri... But I'm disturbed by your sentiments about it. Cutting isn't something you "consider" -- or rather, it shouldn't be. With the help of the internet and the new trend of "emo," self-harm has almost become a hobby rather than an affliction.

I am so sorry Carole, unfortunately it is almost "cool" for the kids to cut themselves it seems so it is hard to tell who is saying that to be cool and who is in serious danger.

It's true that in some circles, cutting is a trend. However, *anyone* who does it, and a lot of people who simply think about doing it IMHO, should get counseling, no matter WHAT their reasons. Children who are willing to inflict pain on themselves because it is cool definitely have some issues that need to be sorted out through therapy.

Telling her

you know and do not approve

Might not be the best idea. I would definitely approach her and talk to her about it -- but "do not approve" is not a sentiment I would express to someone in that fragile state. Support, support, support.

http://www.psyke.org/ is one of my favorite sites for coping. I'd give her that link as soon as you open up lines of conversation. Until she has decided that she wants to quit (which may take a while, I still question myself if it was the right decision or not), you cannot FORCE her to. Taking away sharp objects just made ME want to cut more -- if she's seriously addicted, she will find some way. Again, SUPPORT is key rather than trying to prevent and physically hoard away from her anything you think she could harm herself with (ANYTHING can be a self-harming tool).

http://www.selfinjury.org/indexnet.html this is a very good link that will provide you with lots of information and will dispell many myths about SI.

I can't stress enough how important it is for her to see a therapist. Try very hard to bring her into the selection of one -- if you don't have to drag her kicking and screaming to one, that is. The most important therapist choice issue, IMO, is gender -- would she prefer to talk to a man or a woman. Try and find someone with a background in SI or Borderline Personality Disorder (a disorder commonly associated with SI).

Good luck, Carole. She's lucky to have a mom like you. You'll both get through this fine.

[trayi52]

Carole, I don't know what to say except that I am sorry to hear this. I am a parent, and never had this problem, thank god. You and your precious daughter will be in my prayers along with sending you lots of good thoughts.

Willie

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Wow. I have no idea where to even start.

I'm a cutter, I'll just come out and admit that. I posted about it in the "Tell us something about you" thread also. No, I don't do it for attention. No, I'm not POSTING this for attention, I'm merely trying to help, from Melissa's point-of-view, in a sense.

I agree with Iilo. Cutting HAS become a trend, and you don't really "condsider" becoming one. There's no way to explain why... why a person cuts. It feels right at the time, and I wish I had never listened to my head the first time I did it, because it has become an addiction for me.

Carole, Melissa will be angry when she finds out that you found her folder, as anyone would be. I think everyone is right. Counseling is probably your best option. I have no idea how to go about bringing the topic up to her though. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Please IM me on Yahoo, okay?

Lots of hugs and love.