serious concerns about my daughter....

[rg_girlca]

Carole, I agree that this is something that you cannot ignore. It's funny though that you found this under her bed. Usually something like this is hidden away in the back of a child's closet. Did she not think that you would find it by cleaning under there, or does she do her own cleaning. Maybe this was her way of crying out for help, who knows. This is just my opinion.

After you talk with your husband, you will both have to decide how to approach Melissa about this. I know how easy it will be to go into this with both barrels loaded, but calmness is the best approach. Let her know that you were just curious as to what it was and just took a peek at it, but then realized the seriousness of it and how it made you feel. She might be very angry with you for prying into her business and feel that she does not need any councelling, but you and your husband will have to stand firm on what your decision will be on this.

I pray that in the end, everything will turn out for your family.

[carole]

Thank you everyone, your replies have been most interesting offering me several different opinions and options, firstly in answer to a question no Melissa is not overweight, she has a little puppy fat around her tummy but seriously she is quite a slim long build like her dad,and she is not short like me either,counselling does appear a very good option, and yes i wondered about her hiding place, seriously it was not what you would call hidden was it,she does clean her own room now and then, but she knows i can go in there any time at all.

She does tell me about her meeting a new boy and has a new boyfriend at the moment, not that they go out on dates, but talk on the phone etc,she had one who dumped her and she was as she told me in love with him, there is some stuff in there about him, but i figured she had moved on, don't worry i will not tell her i know how she feels, because i don't really, i have never had the desire to cut myself in any way at all, i do wonder if it is the in thing with her group of friends, i had noticed a while back one friend with cuts on her legs, i approached her about it and she came up with some answer that i accepted, but now i think about it and have to wonder.

I know being a teen is a hard time in life, but being a parent is pretty darn hard too,however i have the years upon her in my life to give her advice and show her how much i love and care for her.

I am so saddened to read how she feels about herself, i always thought she had a good self image, she sure used to have,i guess becoming a teen changed all that.

Thank you also to the teens who responded, i was really hoping for your output, some of you have been there yourself and can give me a different perspective on it all.

[Karen]

Another link for you to read, Carole - http://www.selfinjury.com/sifacts.htm

The first link I posted up above is a "what to do/what not to do" link for family or friends.

This one is more general information, both sites have a lot of information.

[Iilo]

Hi Carole,

As a recovering cutter, I'm sorry to hear that you found this out about your daughter. Depending on how long she's been doing it and how addicted she is (this has a lot to do with how predisposed to addiction she is), you both may have a long hard road ahead of you.

I considered being a cutter, but never did it, because I didn't want to get addicted to self-inflicting pain on myself.

I'm glad you didn't start cutting, Bri... But I'm disturbed by your sentiments about it. Cutting isn't something you "consider" -- or rather, it shouldn't be. With the help of the internet and the new trend of "emo," self-harm has almost become a hobby rather than an affliction.

I am so sorry Carole, unfortunately it is almost "cool" for the kids to cut themselves it seems so it is hard to tell who is saying that to be cool and who is in serious danger.

It's true that in some circles, cutting is a trend. However, *anyone* who does it, and a lot of people who simply think about doing it IMHO, should get counseling, no matter WHAT their reasons. Children who are willing to inflict pain on themselves because it is cool definitely have some issues that need to be sorted out through therapy.

Telling her

you know and do not approve

Might not be the best idea. I would definitely approach her and talk to her about it -- but "do not approve" is not a sentiment I would express to someone in that fragile state. Support, support, support.

http://www.psyke.org/ is one of my favorite sites for coping. I'd give her that link as soon as you open up lines of conversation. Until she has decided that she wants to quit (which may take a while, I still question myself if it was the right decision or not), you cannot FORCE her to. Taking away sharp objects just made ME want to cut more -- if she's seriously addicted, she will find some way. Again, SUPPORT is key rather than trying to prevent and physically hoard away from her anything you think she could harm herself with (ANYTHING can be a self-harming tool).

http://www.selfinjury.org/indexnet.html this is a very good link that will provide you with lots of information and will dispell many myths about SI.

I can't stress enough how important it is for her to see a therapist. Try very hard to bring her into the selection of one -- if you don't have to drag her kicking and screaming to one, that is. The most important therapist choice issue, IMO, is gender -- would she prefer to talk to a man or a woman. Try and find someone with a background in SI or Borderline Personality Disorder (a disorder commonly associated with SI).

Good luck, Carole. She's lucky to have a mom like you. You'll both get through this fine.

[trayi52]

Carole, I don't know what to say except that I am sorry to hear this. I am a parent, and never had this problem, thank god. You and your precious daughter will be in my prayers along with sending you lots of good thoughts.

Willie

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Wow. I have no idea where to even start.

I'm a cutter, I'll just come out and admit that. I posted about it in the "Tell us something about you" thread also. No, I don't do it for attention. No, I'm not POSTING this for attention, I'm merely trying to help, from Melissa's point-of-view, in a sense.

I agree with Iilo. Cutting HAS become a trend, and you don't really "condsider" becoming one. There's no way to explain why... why a person cuts. It feels right at the time, and I wish I had never listened to my head the first time I did it, because it has become an addiction for me.

Carole, Melissa will be angry when she finds out that you found her folder, as anyone would be. I think everyone is right. Counseling is probably your best option. I have no idea how to go about bringing the topic up to her though. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Please IM me on Yahoo, okay?

Lots of hugs and love.