I'm coming here because I've got no where else to go.

As most of you know, I've had to deal with a tragedy that happened about 6 months back. That onset my depression again (went through a year of it after my grandfather died, started losing weight after, and here I am back in depression) and I thought I could handle it. Well... I can't. I've gotten medication from my doctor who really didn't want to give me medication because it will "make me suicidal"... but oh well. I have it, and I'm starting tomorrow morning. But....

If I'm at work, I'm fine. My mind is off of things. If I'm not at work, I'm here. If I'm here, I'm either crying or sleeping.. and to avoid crying all of the time, I try to do something. But most of the time, I get bored, and end up just eating. I've noticed lately that I'll just be eating to eat... not hungry, feel sick afterwards, even. I know what I'm doing... I just don't seem to care. Don't get me wrong - I care enough to know that I do NOT want to be 231lbs again.. but I just can't seem to shake this.

With my current work schedule, I'd have breakfast at 9am. Go to work from 10-2. Have lunch around 2:30-3. Go to work at 4-10. Come home and eat dinner. Then sleep. That alone was slowly putting weight on me, unfortunately.. even if I only ate 800 calories that day. No joke. What time you eat REALLY does matter.. unfortunately. So I was slowly putting weight on, so my mindset was "if I'm going to be gaining weight in an unfair way, why not just eat what I want..". So that's what I've been doing.. and I admit it.

I've yet to step on the scale, because I really don't want to know what it's done to me. But I do know it's putting weight on me becuase my pants are beginning to be a tad too tight - I can still get my fat arse in them, but they're tighter than they once were. Before, I didn't need to unzip them to get them over my hips and such. Now, well... lets just say, I DO need to unzip them, among other things, to get them on. And I'm trying to obsess about numbers anymore, so I just want to go on how I feel and how my clothes fit.

So... I'm hoping to be BACK on this. I don't want to gain this weight back, really, I don't. But it seemed like, whatever I ate, it was putting weight on me. Maybe I was just getting bloated, becuase my pants were tighter, even if only eating 800 calories a day. So. Advice? Do I just not eat dinner? I cannot eat at work.... I can eat at my first job, but my second job I can't - I don't have the time, really.

This is all really getting to me, and it's not helping my "normal" depression any bit... with my weight gain added on, it's just driving me up the wall.