Which last name?

[kuhio98]

I guess I'm in the minority. I hope I'm not putting words in anyone's mouth, but what I get from the responses is that in order for the baby to have the father's last name, the father has to pass some sort of test.

The baby could have the father's last name if:
He marries the mother
He steps up to the plate
He financially supports the baby
He emotionally supports them

Why are there all these conditions? Does the mother have conditions? Does she have to pass some sort of test for the honor of giving the child her last name? Is not using his last name supposed to be some sort of punishment? If so, why should he be punished? What is he being punished for? Does the mother deserve punishment?

The reality is that he is the biological father. A child needs all the family it can get. Why start off by alienating half of its family? Are we pretending they don't exist? Don't matter? That's kind of silly, isn't it? Why deny reality?

As for it being easier if the child has the mother's last name ~ if she gets married some day and decides to change her name, she and the child will have different last names anyway. Her husband could always adopt the child and change his name. It's all complicated, so taking the mother's name just because it's "easier" isn't a very good reason (in my opinion).

Okay, I'm getting off my soapbox. I've contributed more than my 2 cents (more like 2 dollars!)

[lizbud]

If the father has acknowleded paternity & wants any paternal rights/
responsibily for the child, then use the father's name. If not use the
mothers last name.IMO.

[jenluckenbach]

I have not voted yet (and might just vote "flip a coin") because I am torn.

My own personal feelings are that unless the father is REALLY and TRULY a part of this baby's life, including all the hard stuff, Mom should be using her own last name. After all, she has already done 9 months of the HARD stuff. And she will more than likely be doing 90% of the hard stuff for quite a while (unless they go move in together somewhere). So YES.......the father is being "punished", in a way.

But I can see how tradition would expect it to be the father's last name.

SO I guess the answer to this question is what would Ahsley feel most comfortable calling her baby? Will she regret NOT using her name? Will she regret having to refer to the baby with a last name of a man who may run away from her? Does she HOPE they will marry and stay together?

If this were my situation and it were my baby, I would choose MY last name. I feel VERY strongly about this. What does Ashley feel VERY STRONGLY about? That is all that matters.

[Edwina's Secretary]

Why does it have to be either? I vote make up a totally different last name. Nothing, except tradition, says it must be one or the other.

And...except at the time of birth, adoption, marriage or divorce (of the individual ....not the child) it can be rather expensive to make a name change....

[flutter]

I'm at a lost I know that no matter what the baby's father will be in the baby's life even if we aren't together. The father and I have talked about that already (it wasn't a good talk because he did get upset and ask my why I thought we wouldn't be together). I really don't know what to do part of me wants to keep my last name because it would be easier but not because of custody battle because everyone know that the father has like a 10% chance in winnng even if it would has his last name. The other part of me say the baby should have his last name because it is his baby too and he is going to be a part of the baby's life. He just got a full time job (so that should show to everyone that he is trying) and I know that he hasn't bought anything for the baby yet thats just because he know that he will have to pay half the medical bills for me which he understands and is willing to do and plus right now we don't ready need anything we have enought baby care products for the first 3 month so when we start to get low he understands that he will have to buy diaper and the essentials. ok I have bought a lot of clothing for the baby but thats because I can't help it I like to shop and it not worth shopping for me now because I have a baby on the way. So I would rather shop for the baby. I know that there is something that he is going to buy the baby that he really want to buy which is sorta expensive but he has to wait till it born because its sorta a boy or girl item (of course it has to do with football and favorite teams).

[Cataholic]

Having experienced first hand this situation, give the baby your last name. There are some other 'suggestions' that I would give you, too, from a legal perspective, but, will save those for a pm, if you so want to know.

[caseysmom]

Ashley, I am glad he wants to be in the baby's life, you have a good support system with Dad and Kim but your Baby will only benefit from a fathers love. I didn't mean to sound harsh toward him, you must have strong feeling for him, you have created life together. He is a young man and as most young men probably has some growing up to do and most likely will be a great Dad, I wish you all the best.

[AbbyMom]

The baby could have the father's last name if:
He marries the mother
He steps up to the plate
He financially supports the baby
He emotionally supports them

Why are there all these conditions? Does the mother have conditions? Does she have to pass some sort of test for the honor of giving the child her last name? Is not using his last name supposed to be some sort of punishment? If so, why should he be punished? What is he being punished for? Does the mother deserve punishment?

The reality is that he is the biological father. A child needs all the family it can get.

These are good questions. After reading through the posts, I'm guessing that these conditions are merely ways to help decide a difficult question that has no clear answer. When she does decide, I hope she can honestly say she's choosing what's best for the child, not making a statement or a public judgement.

I think maybe some people believe that using the father's name is an honor that he hasn't quite earned yet, not a punishment for what he has or has not done.

Yes, he is the bio father and the child needs all the family it can get. But, IMO, I don't believe that this name decision will increase or decrease family. Family relationships come from love/responsibility...not naming conventions. JMO.




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[Karen]

I never meant that not using his last name is a punishment. I just have seen so many people in her situation, or who have been in her situation and are dealing with the aftermaths later.

It is the sad but honest truth that very few people I know who were couples at her age are still together. This includes couple with and without children. People change so much in the next few years of their life, from 18-25 at least, with college, dealing with jobs, being away from your parents, making that break and figuring out who you are and who you want to be as a person that couple after couple either seemed to "grow apart" or break apart leaving one at least wounded.

I do not wish that on you, Ashley, I do wish you all the best, and stand by my original reasons.

And, by the way, I have one married friend whose two children have her last name, which she kept when she got married. Their Daddy's name is their middle name. The children were born after the pair were married, it is just a decision that couple came to, as the Mom felt strongly about her less-common last name than the Dad did about his pretty common one.

[Suki Wingy]

My oppinion is that she use her own last name for the baby. BUT, it is up to her to decide what's best in the long run.

Is not using his last name supposed to be some sort of punishment? If so, why should he be punished? What is he being punished for? Does the mother deserve punishment?

No, silly! Punishment? I know this doesn't directly apply but... My dad and stepmom are seriously going to alternamte last names. They have one child with my dad's (and my) last name, and if they have another, the child will have my step-mom's last name. In my family (both sides) the women don't usually change their "maiden" names and they give their children the father's last name and their last name as a middle name. For example, my sisters and I all have the same middle name (my mom's last name) and our father's last name.