"He was interested and conceded that he had some of the symptoms, but was a long way from conceding that he could do nothing about it himself. He was positive that this humiliating experience, plus the knowledge he had acquired, would keep him sober the rest of his life. Self-knowledge would fix it.

(Fred wound up back in hospital - he goes on to say)

"I reasoned I was not so far advanced as some of you...that I had been usually successful in licking my other personal problems, and that therefore I would therefore be successful where you...failed...it would be only a matter of exercising my will power and keeping on guard.

"As soon as I regained my ability to think...not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatsoever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all...I now remembered what my alcoholic friends had told me, how they prophesied that if I had an alcoholic mind, the time and place would come - I would drink again. They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink...I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a crushing blow."

pp40 - 42, Alcoholics Anonymous

Denise: I chose these words for you, based on what you have shared. I wish you the best. Your posts aren't boring - I see a lot going on, the early stages, the coping methods familiar to many of us. "Don't miss it at all -feel better." 'We know that such a man is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits.'

Just remember - you don't have to ride the dump truck all the way to the dump.

Any time you want a boost or help, you can come here, as you said, absolutely!

When you decide you want RECOVERY - get to AA.

Hugs
Catty1