PARENTS: Advice Needed, Please

[Desert Arabian]

You are in WAY over your head if you believe YOU can help this young man. Even in the best of circumstances, you can't change someone.

So basically I am nothing but a useless sack of potatoes and should leave him and walk away from him, since I am of absolutely no help at all? That does not make sense to me at all. Why can't I help him, what is stopping me? I cannot give him encouragement when he summons for it, or offer a shoulder for him to lean on when he needs to take a break from things and try to come to terms with this situation?! I know I am not God, but what is stopping me from lending a helping hand? I do not want to change him- because I like him just the way he is, he just needs to adapt to this new situation and over come his feelings, which is obtainable with some help.

He really does sound like he needs professional help. Help from someone trained in the art of psychology, someone unbiased. I must admit, I find it odd that his father would tell you, another minor, such personal information like he wants his son to see a professional. I don't think that was appropriate, and suggests to me that the father is being a 'friend' rather than a 'parent' to his son, and his son's friends. While nice in theory, it doesn't serve anyone well in the end.

And professional help he shall receive, hopefully! What is so odd about his father having such a good level of communication with me, just because I am a "minor" means I have to be shut out of my boyfriends life and cannot know what is going on at home- that makes absolutely no sense at all- minority is not an issue at all. I am extremely happy that his father told me about Matt getting professional help, because I really think he needs it and am glad to know that he may be receiving it. Matt's father is an amazing man, I feel he does his job as a father quite well, and yes he is a friend to Matt also- they do a lot of things together (hunt, fish, football, etc) but he takes the responsibility of "father" also. He is very supportive of Matt and his sister Samantha; he does everything he can to see that they are happy, succeed in life and school, and enjoy themselves.

To have sibling rivalry at, what, 16? 17?, seems really bizarre to me. To not want to share his mother's excitement with a new life suggests there are alot of underlying issues here. Issues you aren't able to solve.

I am the only child, so I cannot say with sibling rivalry would be like. If my mom gave birth to a child (especially if it was to some man who is not my biological father) I am not sure how I would react. Seeing how I will be moving out of the house shortly and moving on with my own life I don't think I would care all that much- but I know I would not be totally "hunky dory" with it either. Yes, this is an issue that I will not be able to solve, which is fine- I do not want to solve it, as long as SOMEONE can help him with that issue to bring him some comfort- that is all I want, I just want to help.

Matt might be the greatest guy in the world, but, right now, your focus should be on school, and not saving your boyfriend. That doesn't mean you hate him, or leave him, or anything at all. But, your focus should be on YOU. Let Matt's parents focus on him. This is a way different situation than someone just having a bad day, or, getting into a fight with his parents (where you would listen, listen, listen and be supportive).

I am not the type of person who can do this- just ignore the issue and hope that someone else does the dirty work- I challenge issues head on and react appropriately to the issue and see that what needs to get done gets done. He is a part of my life, he is a wonderful friend, I am going to help him when he calls upon me to do so, I am going to support him and help him over come this obstacle. My focus is on school also, but it will not be the ONLY thing I am focusing on- the people in my life mean more to me, that is just who I am- people come first. I do not give up without a fight, I support and fight until the end.

People that don't talk about/work through their issues now (or close to when they are experiencing them) usually don't mature into people that communicate well as adults. If Matt can't/isn't into his feelings now, chances are, he won't be any better ten years from now. That isn't the type of person you want as your life partner.

Hmm, so far I would have to disagree- I can't see into the future, who knows where we will be 10 years from now!

You wanted an opinion.

That I did, thanks for adding your $0.02 to the piggy bank!

[Cataholic]

So basically I am nothing but a useless sack of potatoes and should leave him and walk away from him, since I am of absolutely no help at all? That does not make sense to me at all. Why can't I help him, what is stopping me? I cannot give him encouragement when he summons for it, or offer a shoulder for him to lean on when he needs to take a break from things and try to come to terms with this situation?! I know I am not God, but what is stopping me from lending a helping hand? I do not want to change him- because I like him just the way he is, he just needs to adapt to this new situation and over come his feelings, which is obtainable with some help.

I am not the type of person who can do this- just ignore the issue and hope that someone else does the dirty work- I challenge issues head on and react appropriately to the issue and see that what needs to get done gets done. He is a part of my life, he is a wonderful friend, I am going to help him when he calls upon me to do so, I am going to support him and help him over come this obstacle. My focus is on school also, but it will not be the ONLY thing I am focusing on- the people in my life mean more to me, that is just who I am- people come first. I do not give up without a fight, I support and fight until the end.

You are far from a sack of potatoes. That wasn't what I meant. It is fine to be supportive, understanding, patient, etc. But, to really 'help' this young man takes more than that. IF his issues are as you suggested in your original post, and I took them as fact, this isn't some minor thing. Change someone? I go to the bank with that one..you cannot change someone. Only that person can change him/herself.

As for sibling rivalry being 'normal' at 16, 17...I disagree. While it might be something that is out there in the world, keep in mind that doesn't mean it is normal. Abuse is out there, too, in all age groups, that doesn't mean it is 'normal'.

And the communication issue? Kblaix somewhat 'proved' my statement. Today, years later, I presume (I don't know how old you are, Kblaix!) you still struggle with communication issues/intimacy issues (hugging, etc). So, my original statement rings true. People without communication skills as a young person do not grow up to be communicable people. Of course, all generalities have exceptions. It wouldn't be one I would count on for MY life partner.

[mina'smomma]

Well where to start. I know how Matt feels in a lot of aspects. My parents divorced when I was younger and I had trouble dealing with it until I turned 22. It is very wonderful that you want to "help" him, but right now the help you can offer is an ear for him to chew on, a shoulder to lean on and compassion. He should see a professional regarding his feeling just so he can learn that he can't keep them bottled up. As far as the baby thing went he is probably insecure about how much it will change his life. When my father started a family with his new wife after my mother it was like the rest of us took a back seat to them, and that may be scaring him.

[BitsyNaceyDog]

And the communication issue? Kblaix somewhat 'proved' my statement. Today, years later, I presume (I don't know how old you are, Kblaix!) you still struggle with communication issues/intimacy issues (hugging, etc). So, my original statement rings true. People without communication skills as a young person do not grow up to be communicable people. Of course, all generalities have exceptions. It wouldn't be one I would count on for MY life partner.

You're right- I do still have communication problems, major ones. I suffer from social anxiety disorter and panic attacks. But I still make a fine wife. I'm 23, so I haven't been away from my parents too long. I have an amazing relationship with Justin, we have a better relationship than most couples I know. My social disorter doesn't greatly interfere with our relationship. I suppose it does interfere some, but we work on it together, that's what a marriage is about. I don't think it makes a person a bad spouse as long as they communicate with their husband/wife. It was something I had to learn to do. I don't feel it's a big deal if I don't want to hug every person I meet. I am a hundred times better with communication now than I was 5 years ago. In another 5 years I'm sure I'll be even better.

I re-read you're original post and I guess I do somewhat agree with it, but not fully. I somewhat agree with- "People that don't talk about/work through their issues now (or close to when they are experiencing them) usually don't mature into people that communicate well as adults." I agree it is important to work on these problems as soon as you can, you can't grow until you do.
But I don't agree with the statement- "If Matt can't/isn't into his feelings now, chances are, he won't be any better ten years from now. That isn't the type of person you want as your life partner." Every person is different. I didn't start to do better until I had moved out of parents house. I also had to forgive my parents before I could ever move on. I have Justin and a very good friend who have helped me through this.